Kind of upset - what do you think?

SeaSoul

I went to a show of DH's (he's a musician) last night and ran into a woman who knows my mom.  Back story:  her son is in DH's band and a good friend of ours.  He happened to be a student of my mom's 20+ years ago.  So, she knows him and his family.

This woman is also a midwife (not mine).  I told her I was pregnant and she told me that the last time she ran in to my mom, she told her we were trying to have another baby.  And my mom told her she wished that we wouldn't try!  And that she thought I was too old!  She asked her friend's and opinion and she said "She's definitely not too old!"  So, that's good.

Of course, I have no idea what her concerns are regarding age.  I'm sure this conversation took place after my m/c, because she didn't know we were trying before then.  So, maybe she was concerned about me having another m/c (age-related).  Maybe she was concerned about potential complications with the pregnancy or birth defects, due to my age.  Or does she think I'm too old to be a mom, period?  It's just so upsetting. 

I've recovered somewhat, but in the moment I was very affected by this news.  Just so surprised and disappointed to hear it.  Fortunately, my mom never let on to me that she disapproved.  She knows I wouldn't have taken it well!  But I just had no idea.  Especially that she had any negative thoughts in relation my age.  In the past, my family's always been very supportive, pointing out to me how may older women get pregnant, etc.  I just can't believe she was feeling differently, deep down.  Did she feel the same way when I was pregnant with Cal?  I was no spring chickent then, either!

At first I thought I would say something to her, but she obviously didn't intend for me to know this, so I probably won't.  But I can't help but wonder how many other people think I'm too old, and now I've developed a complex about it.  I know I shouldn't care what others think, but, well...I do. 

On another note, we had originally planned to tell the band about the pregnancy last night (they are all very good friends of ours), but another friend of ours who knew let the secret slip over the weekend, and DH found out from one of his bandmates that he knew, due to the indiscretion of the mutual friend.  I was SO upset over that too (I'm militant about secrets), and then just felt weird about making an announcement when I knew that he already knew, and therefore there was a good chance others did too.  It all felt anti-climactic, so I didn't even bother.  I just pranced around with my little belly sticking out, knowing people were probably wondering but afraid to ask!  Talk about an elephant in the room!  Plus, hearing about what my mom had said made me a little less psyched to share the news, anyway.

Ah well...what are you going to do?

browneyedgrl4282

First, I can't believe the woman told you that your mom said you were too old to have another. Maybe the woman took what your mom said and put it in her own words. 

Second, If it were mom who said I would tell her you ran into the lady and what she said. Give your mom a chance to explain.

Third, it is NONE of any ones business on your decision to have another child no matter what your age is.  

EastCoastBride

browneyedgrl4282:

Maybe the woman took what your mom said and put it in her own words. 

This.  I wouldn't put too much stock into it unless you talk to your mom to clear it up.  A LOT can be lost in the translation.  if your mom had genuine concerns (of which you listed a few out) and she wanted to talk them out w/ friends (instead of upsetting YOU!), she's allowed to do this.

I actually think it's horrible this woman said anything to you about it at all.

SeaSoul

EastCoastBride:

I actually think it's horrible this woman said anything to you about it at all.

Me too...I really wish she hadn't.  She is definitely a unique person...she speaks her mind...didn't really know she was one to share things better kept private, though.

emmyloustu

WOW! First of all, I am sorry you had to hear that (from a 3rd party no less) & I am bummed for you that your big announcement was hampered by a big mouth Bummer. I sure it put a damper on your entire evening.

I continue to be shocked at what comes out of the mouths of some folks. WHY would this woman share her convo with your mom with you?! Perhaps she just wasn't thinking, but she had to know it would be hurtful to hear. I know how I would feel if my mom said something like that. In fact, my mom didn't seem overly animated or excited when I told her about this pregnancy and I know how that felt and how I over analyzed everything she said and didn't say. Turns out she was thrilled, just shocked.

I am sure your mom was just worried about you after your m/c and the potential health of you and the baby in future pregnancies, but it still hurts to feel like she wasn't 100% rooting for you. My MIL always says pregnancy announcements from her daughters and daughters-in-law always come with mixed emotions because she worries so much about us and the babies during pregnancy. She talks a lot about how much can go wrong and how it is a precarious time in a woman's life. I get it, I guess, though I think it is old school thinking in a way. I can see feeling the same someday to some extent when/if Eliza is with child.

I am sure your mom is over the moon about having another grandchild, but it probably doesn't take away her concern and the m/c probably exacerbated that.

I feel like I am rambling here, but I guess I just wanted to say that I am really sorry you are hurting right now. 

Knowing me, I would have to say something to my mom because it would just eat away at me, but I'm not sure how I would go about it without betraying confidences, (though obviously the other woman gave no thought to that...)

As far as your big announcement, don't let someone take away your moment! You deserve your time to shine. Announce away!!

firsttogo

I feel bad that your announcement was hampered, but it is still your time, so announce away!

Also, this woman, a midwife no less, is an idiot. How dare she tell you that. When I tell people things, I have to do a mental check on why I am telling them. Do they need to know? Will this information help or hurt them?

All this information did was hurt you, it is something you did not need to know, and I can not understand why she would feel it necessary to tell you.  

itsmevkb

I can say that things probably changed a bit for your mother once you had a miscarriage.  I'm sure that even prior to that she had some fears regarding your having another baby because, afterall, no matter how much we want to deny it, age does bring it added risks.  But, I know that after my first miscarriage both my mother and father weren't exactly what I would call supportive regarding my having more children.

My father was adamant that I could be harming myself by trying to have more children (I've had a blood clot and then a lot of blood loss with my first miscarriage) and my mother I think just didn't want to see me hurting anymore.  For her, she didn't understand why I couldn't just be happy with the children I have and stop trying for more.  I think it was her way of protecting me from more pain if I had more losses and saving herself that pain as well.

I know it's shocking to find out your mom isn't totally supportive with regards to you being a mom, but, I really think it's just because she loves you and is scared for you.

beebe929

browneyedgrl4282:

First, I can't believe the woman told you that your mom said you were too old to have another. Maybe the woman took what your mom said and put it in her own words. 

this

Mom's have their opinions, just leave it alone.

I am sorry this upset you.

ESTH2000

Like others mentioned, I just don't understand why this woman had to share this "information" with you...I mean really ..what was the point???!!!!

I am so sorry she put a damper on your announcement

I don't know if I would trust what this woman said was accurate and give your mom a chance to explain and if anything so she can know this woman is not to be trusted with anything she may share in the future...

You must have looked adorable with your baby bump!!!

vandelay

Well if you're too old, I'm right there with you!

I can certainly understand your being hurt by this.  However, although I don't know your mom, if she's been supportive to you, my guess is that she's just worried (unjustifiably) about your health and the possibility of future m/cs.  I know it hurt me a bit that my mom pressured me a little to give up treatment before I was ready, but I know that it was out of concern for me.

I'm sorry that idiot woman thought it would be a good idea to share your mom's conversation with you.  She clearly sucks.

SeaSoul

I appreciate all of your thoughtful responses more than you know.  I'm sure you're right that something was lost in translation, and if my mom was hesitant, it was probably out of concern.  You ladies help me put things into perspective.  I'm usually very open with my mom but in this case I'd feel bad putting her on the spot like that, just b/c this woman said something she shouldn't have.  I may, however, mention it to my sister just so I can vent and get some familial support.

leslie&brian

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I doubt that your mom thinks that you are too old to be a mom. I'm sure that she sees you with Cal, and recognizes what a good mom you are. She was probably just concerned because of your m/c. It's no ones business how old you are when you decide to add to your family. I'm sure your mom is thrilled that she is going to be a grandma again.

cjsbdl

I agree that it's weird the woman told you this in the first place...I'd definitely give your mom the benefit of the doubt in this situation, especially given that she seems to have been supportive.

alchris

I'd feel a stab in the heart too, betrayed in fact.  But I agree that hopefully those weren't your mom's words and/or tone.  I'd totally tell my mom but it probably wouldn't end well, so I'm sure it depends on how you think it would go.  I'm guessing there was *some* sentiment of truth given what you were told, but that your mom does want another grandbaby from you!