NMR: Sister advice, long

clarku2000

I'm at a loss.  My sister is in (my opinion) an unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship.  She's been with this guy for 3 1/2 years, since her DS was 1 1/2 years old (she divorced her husband for this guy).  Her BF and her work together.  She has broken up with her BF numerous times, and each time is because he tells her that she's a "sloppy pig who messes up his house," and "disgusting who doesn't know how to pick up after her kid."  My sister is far from sloppy or unclean.  He says these things when he's had a few drinks.  She's broken up with him numerous times, but gets back together once he discloses that he's stopped taking anti-depressent meds and promises to go back on them.

I have told her over and over that this guy is not someone she needs to be around, and definitely not someone that her DS needs to learn behavior from.  This is so bizarre to me because I can see how unhealthy their dynamic is, and growing up we were never around people who treated us as badly as he treats her.  She constantly makes excuses that it's because he's "had a few drinks."  I think she feels that because he's not physically abusive that it's okay that he calls her names and berates her.

How do I get through to her?  It seems obvious to me that this is extremely unhealthy behavior, but she just keeps going back.

ppants

I'm sorry about your sister's situation.  I've never been in this type of situation, but I don't now what you can do other be there for her when she needs support.  Make sure she has the phone numbers of a women's shelter or something like it in her area.  Are your parents involved with her also?  Do they have any thoughts?  What about your ex-BIL?  Does he know he's DC is in this type of situation?  I would not tolerate my child being around that.  ((HUGS))

babydontforget

Suggest to her that she consider an Al-Anon meeting. It sounds like this guy might have a substance abuse problem, and perhaps just putting that fact out there in a supportive way will help her to realize that this is an unhealthy situation. 

clarku2000

mrs_sexy:

I'm sorry about your sister's situation.  I've never been in this type of situation, but I don't now what you can do other be there for her when she needs support.  Make sure she has the phone numbers of a women's shelter or something like it in her area.  Are your parents involved with her also?  Do they have any thoughts?  What about your ex-BIL?  Does he know he's DC is in this type of situation?  I would not tolerate my child being around that.  ((HUGS))

I know - I've never been in this type of situation either and have no idea how to help her.  Last December my ex-BIL actually terminated his parental rights to their DS (a whole 'nother drama - he didn't want to pay child support and a judge actually signed off on it).

I'm just terrified that it's going to escalate from verbal/emotional abuse to physical abuse, and I've told her so much, but all she can say when I tell her this isn't normal behavior is "I know."  Ugh, so frustrating.  My company offers 3 free counseling session to either the employee or employee's family, and I'm trying to get her to take them.

Temp6313048411121614

Honestly, I would just try to be supportive (not of her being in the relationship, but just try to support her as much as you can).  Personally, I would watch that you don't say too much negative stuff about the scum bag because you don't want her to pull away from you from getting tired of hearing about it. 

Could you try to fix her up with someone else?  Is she just scared to be alone?  Is she lonely?  Does she think that he's the best she deserves?  The counseling would be great if you could ever talk her into going, it might help open her eyes.