What are your reasons...

jamie'scominghome

for adopting? I am new to the board and DH and I are thinking about the possibility of adopting. What are some reasons why you have decided to adopt? Thanks.

AuburnBride06

Because I wanted to be a mother and DH wanted to be a father. We wanted to be parents together. That's the only reason. Bio kids/successful pregnancy were not in the cards for us & we were not willing to make the choice to live child free. So we adopted our precious boy. And we would not change a thing.

wille2b

AuburnBride06:

Because I wanted to be a mother and DH wanted to be a father. We wanted to be parents together. That's the only reason. Bio kids/successful pregnancy were not in the cards for us & we were not willing to make the choice to live child free. So we adopted our precious boy. And we would not change a thing.

WOW! i was just going to write the exact same thing!!

dh and i didnt care where our baby came from or if he looked like us. we needed him and he needed us.

Dr.Loretta

Just curious as to the reason for your question.

For us, it was because we wanted to be parents and it wasn't happening the old fashioned way After a couple of years of IF treatments and 3 m/c's, I was to the point where I just wanted to be a mom, and I didn't have to have a baby come out of me for that to happen. DH needed time to come to terms with loss of a biological connection, but from the moment he laid eyes on DD he would have moved heaven and earth for her.

MrsKolasa

AuburnBride06:

Because I wanted to be a mother and DH wanted to be a father. We wanted to be parents together. That's the only reason. Bio kids/successful pregnancy were not in the cards for us & we were not willing to make the choice to live child free. So we adopted our precious boy. And we would not change a thing.

This.

All I ever wanted to be was a Mom.

butterflygrooves

DW and I (lesbians) didn't want to put our hearts and money into months/years of fertility treatments with the possibility of not having a child.  I have a bio daughter and DW was content with not having a bio child, adoption was the answer for us.

inlovewithB

We knew that we wanted to parent together. We both love kids and they bring so much joy to our lives we can't imagine life with out raising our own children. 

My body had been torn apart by Endometriosis and it is looking like we won't be able to have a biological child, so we are opening all doors and hoping our baby finds us soon. 

Jenn is Silly

DH & I wanted to be parents from the day we married. Baby making wasn't going well for us and we trusted that God would give us the child that was meant for our family. We were open to adoption and fertility treatments- and DD found us the way she needed to. I couldn't imagine it any other way!

miss1180

i was born with a genetic disorder,and foudn out when i was little that i wouldn't be able to have bio kids. So i kind of grew up knowing i would adopt, and didn't feel that strong "pull" to have a biological child.

  luckily, when i met DH, he was fine with adopting.

 we're doing international adoption, and its EXPENSIVE. so it would be easy to say "well... we weren't meant to have  kids, lets just save the money and stay child free".  BUT we both really want to be parents, though. For us, its about raising a child and experiencing all that goes along with it.... not just about having a "mini me" running around.

thirdrailmiche

We just really want to be parents. It has taken a long time to come to terms with not being able to experience pregnancy and have a biological child.  I've been told since my teens that I would be a great mom someday.  I just never thought it would be so hard to make it happen.  Hopefully, one day our baby finds us.

Amy720

AuburnBride06:

Because I wanted to be a mother and DH wanted to be a father. We wanted to be parents together. That's the only reason. Bio kids/successful pregnancy were not in the cards for us & we were not willing to make the choice to live child free. So we adopted our precious boy. And we would not change a thing.

This exactly!  I wanted to be a mommy, and we tried unsuccessfully to have a biological child, but thank goodness that didn't work out because if it had we wouldn't have our precious Ben.

jnennapooh@aol.com

AuburnBride06:

Because I wanted to be a mother and DH wanted to be a father. We wanted to be parents together. That's the only reason. Bio kids/successful pregnancy were not in the cards for us & we were not willing to make the choice to live child free. So we adopted our precious boy. And we would not change a thing.

 

This exactly. I just want to be a mom.

julandjo

We have 2 biological children and our family is not complete.  The likelihood of a baby and me both surviving another pregnancy is not good, so I had a tubal ligation and we're adopting baby #3.

4LittleDucks

I'm Chinese, well-versed in China's one-child policy and very aware of the conditions of children in orphanages around the world.  I've always had a heart for humanitarian agencies, mind you, I absolutely do not feel like "feeling sorry" for suffering children is the right reason to adopt a child.  But for us, it just all lined up.  When I was in college I was taking a trip to China and was on a plane with 14 babies being adopted by US families.  That confirmed what I had been feeling.  I assumed we would adopt from China but we didn't qualify so I have children from Thailand and India.  We love kids, don't give a rip whether they look like us or not.  We have the desire and ability to parent children who don't otherwise have families.  Incidentally, years later we found out that pregnancy doesn't come easy to me so in that way I do believe that sometimes seeds are planted in your heart for a reason and this hasn't been all coincidence.  We have a combination of bio and adopted children and I can honestly say that when I look at them, I don't think about how they physically came into this world.  They're all mine and my world is better because of what each of them has brought to my life. 

MayDayGirl

bc genetics don't matter to us in building our family and we knew we could love any child who would come into our home. Bc we want to have more children without going through IVF (we have a bio child, carrying a child was important to me, if we could achieve it) and we plan to build the rest of our family through adoption.

lrrb

We adopted because we had some IF and we honestly didn't care how we became parents.  Adoption for us was VERY natural.  Its the BEST decision we have ever made to be honest with you.....  GL with your journey!

Sally J

Why is the why important?  This question bothers me for some reason.  Nobody asks why I decided to get pregnant.  The answer is obvious - to become a parent.  Is there another reason?  I feel the same with adoption - the answer to why is the same, to be a parent.

cogbot

I just want to be a mom.  I want my husband and I to parent together, and biological children are not possible without IVF.  Biology isn't important to me, it's taken my husband a little longer to "get there" but we are now on the same page. 

MamaB2009

To be parents.

AuburnBride06

Sally J:

Why is the why important?  This question bothers me for some reason.  Nobody asks why I decided to get pregnant.  The answer is obvious - to become a parent.  Is there another reason?  I feel the same with adoption - the answer to why is the same, to be a parent.

Honestly I was thinking the same thing but wasn't going to say anything. I really dislike how many see adoption as anything other than what is---becoming parents and creating a family.It's purpose is no less than getting pregnant. To me it (the questioning) seems like a way for people to "figure out" if APs do it to "save" children or something (which I despise any thought related to this).   

As time goes by, I get more & more upset that so many think that sharing genes or giving birth somehow make you more of/a better parent. 

hway24

Because we wanted to be parents.

buggerfly12

I think the why is a reasonable question, one I can't even answer for myself. I want to. Just do. I can logically argue for it all day, but when it comes down to it I just want to do it. It's a lot more work, though, to adopt than to have a bio child if you don't have any problems getting/staying pg, so there has got to be some feeling or reasoning that leads you to adopting. It is almost never an accident; it is planned out and a lot of work, time, money, etc. I realize a bio child isn't always an easy thing to come by, either. However, if you are dealing with infertility, then something has got to lead you to adopting rather than (or in conjunction with) other options to create a family. To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

Dr.Loretta

buggerfly12:

To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

Agreed, but I still find it an odd (not insulting) question. It's like asking someone why they want to have children, period. The answer usually is, "I just do."

I'm still curious as to the OP's reasoning for asking. Maybe she has some questions about why people chose adoption over bio children, or is trying to see if everyone here dealt with IF, or whatever reason. I'm just curious to know what that reason is, just as she's curious to know why everyone here chose adoption.

buggerfly12

Dr.Loretta:

buggerfly12:

To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

I'm still curious as to the OP's reasoning for asking.

 Yeah, me too.

Sally J

buggerfly12:

I think the why is a reasonable question, one I can't even answer for myself. I want to. Just do. I can logically argue for it all day, but when it comes down to it I just want to do it. It's a lot more work, though, to adopt than to have a bio child if you don't have any problems getting/staying pg, so there has got to be some feeling or reasoning that leads you to adopting. It is almost never an accident; it is planned out and a lot of work, time, money, etc. I realize a bio child isn't always an easy thing to come by, either. However, if you are dealing with infertility, then something has got to lead you to adopting rather than (or in conjunction with) other options to create a family. To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

I can definitely see some of your points.  Even if there is a reason or feeling that lead me to adoption, there was also a reason or feeling that lead me to a pregnancy, yet people don't ask that question.  I still struggle with why the 'why' is important at all, when it is only asked in situations other than bio children.  

The question makes me feel like depending on how your child came to you determines the legitimacy of them belonging in your family.  IMO, adoption or bio is not better or worse because of shared genes, difficult/easy pregnancy, the cost, planning, type of adoption, etc.  The end result is what it is - a child has a parent and person gets to be a parent.

Maybe my experience is a little different and that's why I struggle to see the relevance of OP's question.  Our adoption was essentially by accident, or at least not planned and definitely a surprise.  We were lucky not to have IF issues.  The cost was similar to the medical bills for a bio child.  It wasn't harder or more work, just different.  For us it wasn't choose adoption or another way of having a child.  I can't even explain fully a why other than to say we just did.

Or like other posters, maybe I'm really just curious why the OP asked.  I suppose it's human nature to ask questions about something that is considered untraditional/out of the ordinary/unfamiliar, or as a way to gather information to feel a sense of community with others. Honestly I don't mean to sound snarky, but I don't think of my children as bio or adopted.  I just think of them as my children.

(In thinking about it a little more, I think I would have been able to wrap my head around the question if it was asked 'Out of the options to build your family, how did you decide on bio, adopted, embryo donation, surrogate?'  Interesting the feelings this this topic brings up for me.)

AuburnBride06

Sally J:

buggerfly12:

I think the why is a reasonable question, one I can't even answer for myself. I want to. Just do. I can logically argue for it all day, but when it comes down to it I just want to do it. It's a lot more work, though, to adopt than to have a bio child if you don't have any problems getting/staying pg, so there has got to be some feeling or reasoning that leads you to adopting. It is almost never an accident; it is planned out and a lot of work, time, money, etc. I realize a bio child isn't always an easy thing to come by, either. However, if you are dealing with infertility, then something has got to lead you to adopting rather than (or in conjunction with) other options to create a family. To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

I can definitely see some of your points.  Even if there is a reason or feeling that lead me to adoption, there was also a reason or feeling that lead me to a pregnancy, yet people don't ask that question.  I still struggle with why the 'why' is important at all, when it is only asked in situations other than bio children.  

The question makes me feel like depending on how your child came to you determines the legitimacy of them belonging in your family.  IMO, adoption or bio is not better or worse because of shared genes, difficult/easy pregnancy, the cost, planning, type of adoption, etc.  The end result is what it is - a child has a parent and person gets to be a parent.

Maybe my experience is a little different and that's why I struggle to see the relevance of OP's question.  Our adoption was essentially by accident, or at least not planned and definitely a surprise.  We were lucky not to have IF issues.  The cost was similar to the medical bills for a bio child.  It wasn't harder or more work, just different.  For us it wasn't choose adoption or another way of having a child.  I can't even explain fully a why other than to say we just did.

Or like other posters, maybe I'm really just curious why the OP asked.  I suppose it's human nature to ask questions about something that is considered untraditional/out of the ordinary/unfamiliar, or as a way to gather information to feel a sense of community with others. Honestly I don't mean to sound snarky, but I don't think of my children as bio or adopted.  I just think of them as my children.

(In thinking about it a little more, I think I would have been able to wrap my head around the question if it was asked 'Out of the options to build your family, how did you decide on bio, adopted, embryo donation, surrogate?'  Interesting the feelings this this topic brings up for me.)

Love. I often wonder when/if the adopted "title" will ever go away. And I also agree with you about the structure of the question as well. Simplifying it to "Why did you adopt?" just seems....irrelevant??? A good answer....why not??  Kind of like you must have some alterior motive/goal or whatever that's different from if you had a bio kid? FWIW, I don't think you were being snarky at all. I think the point is...why is it so common and ok to ask why someone adopted but it's definitely not common to ask someone why they had a baby....as "less chosen" a path as it is, I can't understand why it's questioned. For me it's similar to if someone were to descrive my son as my "adopted son" or me as his "adoptive mother". No, he is my son and I am his mother. Period.

julandjo

AuburnBride06:

Sally J:

buggerfly12:

I think the why is a reasonable question, one I can't even answer for myself. I want to. Just do. I can logically argue for it all day, but when it comes down to it I just want to do it. It's a lot more work, though, to adopt than to have a bio child if you don't have any problems getting/staying pg, so there has got to be some feeling or reasoning that leads you to adopting. It is almost never an accident; it is planned out and a lot of work, time, money, etc. I realize a bio child isn't always an easy thing to come by, either. However, if you are dealing with infertility, then something has got to lead you to adopting rather than (or in conjunction with) other options to create a family. To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

I can definitely see some of your points.  Even if there is a reason or feeling that lead me to adoption, there was also a reason or feeling that lead me to a pregnancy, yet people don't ask that question.  I still struggle with why the 'why' is important at all, when it is only asked in situations other than bio children.  

The question makes me feel like depending on how your child came to you determines the legitimacy of them belonging in your family.  IMO, adoption or bio is not better or worse because of shared genes, difficult/easy pregnancy, the cost, planning, type of adoption, etc.  The end result is what it is - a child has a parent and person gets to be a parent.

Maybe my experience is a little different and that's why I struggle to see the relevance of OP's question.  Our adoption was essentially by accident, or at least not planned and definitely a surprise.  We were lucky not to have IF issues.  The cost was similar to the medical bills for a bio child.  It wasn't harder or more work, just different.  For us it wasn't choose adoption or another way of having a child.  I can't even explain fully a why other than to say we just did.

Or like other posters, maybe I'm really just curious why the OP asked.  I suppose it's human nature to ask questions about something that is considered untraditional/out of the ordinary/unfamiliar, or as a way to gather information to feel a sense of community with others. Honestly I don't mean to sound snarky, but I don't think of my children as bio or adopted.  I just think of them as my children.

(In thinking about it a little more, I think I would have been able to wrap my head around the question if it was asked 'Out of the options to build your family, how did you decide on bio, adopted, embryo donation, surrogate?'  Interesting the feelings this this topic brings up for me.)

Love. I often wonder when/if the adopted "title" will ever go away. And I also agree with you about the structure of the question as well. Simplifying it to "Why did you adopt?" just seems....irrelevant??? A good answer....why not??  Kind of like you must have some alterior motive/goal or whatever that's different from if you had a bio kid? FWIW, I don't think you were being snarky at all. I think the point is...why is it so common and ok to ask why someone adopted but it's definitely not common to ask someone why they had a baby....as "less chosen" a path as it is, I can't understand why it's questioned. For me it's similar to if someone were to descrive my son as my "adopted son" or me as his "adoptive mother". No, he is my son and I am his mother. Period.

You guys are reading WAY too much into the question.  How did you get that your children are somehow less legitimate, or that she was somehow judging you??  Holy crap, calm down folks!    I took the question as, "we're thinking about adopting, but we really don't know if our reasons qualify and maybe an agency wouldn't even take us on", or "we're in a difficult place and maybe someone else out there has faced the same issues".  It's an honest question that's neither right or wrong.  Adoption is a very difficult, intense, and costly way to build a family - most people have a definite "reason" for choosing this path.

kekis

Our hearts want what my body can't give us, and biology isn't required to make a family.  It's really that simple.

AuburnBride06

julandjo:

AuburnBride06:

Sally J:

buggerfly12:

I think the why is a reasonable question, one I can't even answer for myself. I want to. Just do. I can logically argue for it all day, but when it comes down to it I just want to do it. It's a lot more work, though, to adopt than to have a bio child if you don't have any problems getting/staying pg, so there has got to be some feeling or reasoning that leads you to adopting. It is almost never an accident; it is planned out and a lot of work, time, money, etc. I realize a bio child isn't always an easy thing to come by, either. However, if you are dealing with infertility, then something has got to lead you to adopting rather than (or in conjunction with) other options to create a family. To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

I can definitely see some of your points.  Even if there is a reason or feeling that lead me to adoption, there was also a reason or feeling that lead me to a pregnancy, yet people don't ask that question.  I still struggle with why the 'why' is important at all, when it is only asked in situations other than bio children.  

The question makes me feel like depending on how your child came to you determines the legitimacy of them belonging in your family.  IMO, adoption or bio is not better or worse because of shared genes, difficult/easy pregnancy, the cost, planning, type of adoption, etc.  The end result is what it is - a child has a parent and person gets to be a parent.

Maybe my experience is a little different and that's why I struggle to see the relevance of OP's question.  Our adoption was essentially by accident, or at least not planned and definitely a surprise.  We were lucky not to have IF issues.  The cost was similar to the medical bills for a bio child.  It wasn't harder or more work, just different.  For us it wasn't choose adoption or another way of having a child.  I can't even explain fully a why other than to say we just did.

Or like other posters, maybe I'm really just curious why the OP asked.  I suppose it's human nature to ask questions about something that is considered untraditional/out of the ordinary/unfamiliar, or as a way to gather information to feel a sense of community with others. Honestly I don't mean to sound snarky, but I don't think of my children as bio or adopted.  I just think of them as my children.

(In thinking about it a little more, I think I would have been able to wrap my head around the question if it was asked 'Out of the options to build your family, how did you decide on bio, adopted, embryo donation, surrogate?'  Interesting the feelings this this topic brings up for me.)

Love. I often wonder when/if the adopted "title" will ever go away. And I also agree with you about the structure of the question as well. Simplifying it to "Why did you adopt?" just seems....irrelevant??? A good answer....why not??  Kind of like you must have some alterior motive/goal or whatever that's different from if you had a bio kid? FWIW, I don't think you were being snarky at all. I think the point is...why is it so common and ok to ask why someone adopted but it's definitely not common to ask someone why they had a baby....as "less chosen" a path as it is, I can't understand why it's questioned. For me it's similar to if someone were to descrive my son as my "adopted son" or me as his "adoptive mother". No, he is my son and I am his mother. Period.

You guys are reading WAY too much into the question.  How did you get that your children are somehow less legitimate, or that she was somehow judging you??  Holy crap, calm down folks!    I took the question as, "we're thinking about adopting, but we really don't know if our reasons qualify and maybe an agency wouldn't even take us on", or "we're in a difficult place and maybe someone else out there has faced the same issues".  It's an honest question that's neither right or wrong.  Adoption is a very difficult, intense, and costly way to build a family - most people have a definite "reason" for choosing this path.

Actually, I never said OP was judging or saying DS is less legitimate. I actually have no idea why she asked. Just making a statement on the question, in general, when people ask it. Having a discussion about it...not insinuating OP did anything.  No one is riled up either---just sharing opinions/thoughts/feelings. Not everything said in a thread is directly related to the OP, thoughts/ideas spurn off them all the time. At least there is some action going on whereas normally very few conversations seem to take place over here.

And as far as I know, you don't have to have a reason to "qualify" for adopting--yea, agencies can state they gear towards IF couples, but if you want to adopt you want to adopt and naturally, the "reason" is because you want to be a parent to a child/another child.....that's pretty much the basic idea.

Sally J

julandjo:

 

You guys are reading WAY too much into the question.  How did you get that your children are somehow less legitimate, or that she was somehow judging you??  Holy crap, calm down folks!    I took the question as, "we're thinking about adopting, but we really don't know if our reasons qualify and maybe an agency wouldn't even take us on", or "we're in a difficult place and maybe someone else out there has faced the same issues".  It's an honest question that's neither right or wrong.  Adoption is a very difficult, intense, and costly way to build a family - most people have a definite "reason" for choosing this path.

 I don't feel like OP is actually saying or meaning anything.  I really think she is genuinely interested and has no ill will toward anyone.  However we discuss questions, comments, stories, etc on this board all the time, especially when the question might be bothersome.  I'm having an opinion and discussion about this question and how it was asked.  I'm not riled up but rather just stating that this seemingly innocent question seems to stir up some feelings for me that I didn't expect.  Also, not all adoptions are difficult, intense, or costly. Birth can be difficult, intense or costly.  So can surrogacy or embryo donation or fertility treatments.  Those things are relative to each couple anyhow.  The why for any of those is the same - to be parents.

babywisher

AuburnBride06:

Because I wanted to be a mother and DH wanted to be a father. We wanted to be parents together. That's the only reason. Bio kids/successful pregnancy were not in the cards for us & we were not willing to make the choice to live child free. So we adopted our precious boy. And we would not change a thing.

This. We had talked about being open to adoption even before we got married and knew we had any problems conceiving. Then we decided how far we were willing to go with fertility treatments before shutting that door and moving on to adoption.

buggerfly12

AuburnBride06:

Sally J:

buggerfly12:

I think the why is a reasonable question, one I can't even answer for myself. I want to. Just do. I can logically argue for it all day, but when it comes down to it I just want to do it. It's a lot more work, though, to adopt than to have a bio child if you don't have any problems getting/staying pg, so there has got to be some feeling or reasoning that leads you to adopting. It is almost never an accident; it is planned out and a lot of work, time, money, etc. I realize a bio child isn't always an easy thing to come by, either. However, if you are dealing with infertility, then something has got to lead you to adopting rather than (or in conjunction with) other options to create a family. To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

I can definitely see some of your points.  Even if there is a reason or feeling that lead me to adoption, there was also a reason or feeling that lead me to a pregnancy, yet people don't ask that question.  I still struggle with why the 'why' is important at all, when it is only asked in situations other than bio children.  

The question makes me feel like depending on how your child came to you determines the legitimacy of them belonging in your family.  IMO, adoption or bio is not better or worse because of shared genes, difficult/easy pregnancy, the cost, planning, type of adoption, etc.  The end result is what it is - a child has a parent and person gets to be a parent.

Maybe my experience is a little different and that's why I struggle to see the relevance of OP's question.  Our adoption was essentially by accident, or at least not planned and definitely a surprise.  We were lucky not to have IF issues.  The cost was similar to the medical bills for a bio child.  It wasn't harder or more work, just different.  For us it wasn't choose adoption or another way of having a child.  I can't even explain fully a why other than to say we just did.

Or like other posters, maybe I'm really just curious why the OP asked.  I suppose it's human nature to ask questions about something that is considered untraditional/out of the ordinary/unfamiliar, or as a way to gather information to feel a sense of community with others. Honestly I don't mean to sound snarky, but I don't think of my children as bio or adopted.  I just think of them as my children.

(In thinking about it a little more, I think I would have been able to wrap my head around the question if it was asked 'Out of the options to build your family, how did you decide on bio, adopted, embryo donation, surrogate?'  Interesting the feelings this this topic brings up for me.)

Love. I often wonder when/if the adopted "title" will ever go away. And I also agree with you about the structure of the question as well. Simplifying it to "Why did you adopt?" just seems....irrelevant??? A good answer....why not??  Kind of like you must have some alterior motive/goal or whatever that's different from if you had a bio kid? FWIW, I don't think you were being snarky at all. I think the point is...why is it so common and ok to ask why someone adopted but it's definitely not common to ask someone why they had a baby....as "less chosen" a path as it is, I can't understand why it's questioned. For me it's similar to if someone were to descrive my son as my "adopted son" or me as his "adoptive mother". No, he is my son and I am his mother. Period.

My POV is probably a little different. I was 19 when I got pg with DS, so everyone who didnt automatically assume it was an "accident" asked me why I would want to have children so early, and why I decided to get pg. So in my experience, yes, people have asked why I wanted a bio child. Even more when I announced I was pg a second time. It's not surprising to me when people ask about why to adopt. In my case, starting an adoption is obviously not an accident, and deliberately having a child (or multiple children) at my age isn't all that widely accepted. I don't agree... obviously... I'm just so used to it that it seems normal when I'm asked why. It only phases me when it's worded along the lines of, "Why don't you have more of your own?"

AuburnBride06

buggerfly12:

AuburnBride06:

Sally J:

buggerfly12:

I think the why is a reasonable question, one I can't even answer for myself. I want to. Just do. I can logically argue for it all day, but when it comes down to it I just want to do it. It's a lot more work, though, to adopt than to have a bio child if you don't have any problems getting/staying pg, so there has got to be some feeling or reasoning that leads you to adopting. It is almost never an accident; it is planned out and a lot of work, time, money, etc. I realize a bio child isn't always an easy thing to come by, either. However, if you are dealing with infertility, then something has got to lead you to adopting rather than (or in conjunction with) other options to create a family. To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

I can definitely see some of your points.  Even if there is a reason or feeling that lead me to adoption, there was also a reason or feeling that lead me to a pregnancy, yet people don't ask that question.  I still struggle with why the 'why' is important at all, when it is only asked in situations other than bio children.  

The question makes me feel like depending on how your child came to you determines the legitimacy of them belonging in your family.  IMO, adoption or bio is not better or worse because of shared genes, difficult/easy pregnancy, the cost, planning, type of adoption, etc.  The end result is what it is - a child has a parent and person gets to be a parent.

Maybe my experience is a little different and that's why I struggle to see the relevance of OP's question.  Our adoption was essentially by accident, or at least not planned and definitely a surprise.  We were lucky not to have IF issues.  The cost was similar to the medical bills for a bio child.  It wasn't harder or more work, just different.  For us it wasn't choose adoption or another way of having a child.  I can't even explain fully a why other than to say we just did.

Or like other posters, maybe I'm really just curious why the OP asked.  I suppose it's human nature to ask questions about something that is considered untraditional/out of the ordinary/unfamiliar, or as a way to gather information to feel a sense of community with others. Honestly I don't mean to sound snarky, but I don't think of my children as bio or adopted.  I just think of them as my children.

(In thinking about it a little more, I think I would have been able to wrap my head around the question if it was asked 'Out of the options to build your family, how did you decide on bio, adopted, embryo donation, surrogate?'  Interesting the feelings this this topic brings up for me.)

Love. I often wonder when/if the adopted "title" will ever go away. And I also agree with you about the structure of the question as well. Simplifying it to "Why did you adopt?" just seems....irrelevant??? A good answer....why not??  Kind of like you must have some alterior motive/goal or whatever that's different from if you had a bio kid? FWIW, I don't think you were being snarky at all. I think the point is...why is it so common and ok to ask why someone adopted but it's definitely not common to ask someone why they had a baby....as "less chosen" a path as it is, I can't understand why it's questioned. For me it's similar to if someone were to descrive my son as my "adopted son" or me as his "adoptive mother". No, he is my son and I am his mother. Period.

My POV is probably a little different. I was 19 when I got pg with DS, so everyone who didnt automatically assume it was an "accident" asked me why I would want to have children so early, and why I decided to get pg. So in my experience, yes, people have asked why I wanted a bio child. Even more when I announced I was pg a second time. It's not surprising to me when people ask about why to adopt. In my case, starting an adoption is obviously not an accident, and deliberately having a child (or multiple children) at my age isn't all that widely accepted. I don't agree... obviously... I'm just so used to it that it seems normal when I'm asked why. It only phases me when it's worded along the lines of, "Why don't you have more of your own?"

Thank you for responding! But yea, your case is definitely not the "norm" I am referring to. I had more in mind my average, married mid 20's to early 30's fertile friends who get pg at the drop of a hat---they aren't ever asked why because, well, it's "expected". Whenever you do anything out of the "norm" or what is considered conventional/acceptable, you get questions, which of course is why the adoption question isn't surprising. My point is at what point will the general public stop seeing adoption the way it does and start seeing it as what it is....instead of seeing it as such a great/saintly thing to "do" or as a consolation prize for not having the "real thing" (I loathe this insinuation) see it as just the way we become parents & it's just as great as having a bio spawn or pushing one out. The motivation isn't to go save anyone, do the right thing or to tie anyone over. It's simply to be a parent. Agree w/ me or not, these two views are widely held in the non-adoption world. I get both/very similar view points often.

buggerfly12

AuburnBride06:

buggerfly12:

AuburnBride06:

Sally J:

buggerfly12:

I think the why is a reasonable question, one I can't even answer for myself. I want to. Just do. I can logically argue for it all day, but when it comes down to it I just want to do it. It's a lot more work, though, to adopt than to have a bio child if you don't have any problems getting/staying pg, so there has got to be some feeling or reasoning that leads you to adopting. It is almost never an accident; it is planned out and a lot of work, time, money, etc. I realize a bio child isn't always an easy thing to come by, either. However, if you are dealing with infertility, then something has got to lead you to adopting rather than (or in conjunction with) other options to create a family. To me this question sounds like she wants to know why you chose adopting rather than some other way of having a child.

I can definitely see some of your points.  Even if there is a reason or feeling that lead me to adoption, there was also a reason or feeling that lead me to a pregnancy, yet people don't ask that question.  I still struggle with why the 'why' is important at all, when it is only asked in situations other than bio children.  

The question makes me feel like depending on how your child came to you determines the legitimacy of them belonging in your family.  IMO, adoption or bio is not better or worse because of shared genes, difficult/easy pregnancy, the cost, planning, type of adoption, etc.  The end result is what it is - a child has a parent and person gets to be a parent.

Maybe my experience is a little different and that's why I struggle to see the relevance of OP's question.  Our adoption was essentially by accident, or at least not planned and definitely a surprise.  We were lucky not to have IF issues.  The cost was similar to the medical bills for a bio child.  It wasn't harder or more work, just different.  For us it wasn't choose adoption or another way of having a child.  I can't even explain fully a why other than to say we just did.

Or like other posters, maybe I'm really just curious why the OP asked.  I suppose it's human nature to ask questions about something that is considered untraditional/out of the ordinary/unfamiliar, or as a way to gather information to feel a sense of community with others. Honestly I don't mean to sound snarky, but I don't think of my children as bio or adopted.  I just think of them as my children.

(In thinking about it a little more, I think I would have been able to wrap my head around the question if it was asked 'Out of the options to build your family, how did you decide on bio, adopted, embryo donation, surrogate?'  Interesting the feelings this this topic brings up for me.)

Love. I often wonder when/if the adopted "title" will ever go away. And I also agree with you about the structure of the question as well. Simplifying it to "Why did you adopt?" just seems....irrelevant??? A good answer....why not??  Kind of like you must have some alterior motive/goal or whatever that's different from if you had a bio kid? FWIW, I don't think you were being snarky at all. I think the point is...why is it so common and ok to ask why someone adopted but it's definitely not common to ask someone why they had a baby....as "less chosen" a path as it is, I can't understand why it's questioned. For me it's similar to if someone were to descrive my son as my "adopted son" or me as his "adoptive mother". No, he is my son and I am his mother. Period.

My POV is probably a little different. I was 19 when I got pg with DS, so everyone who didnt automatically assume it was an "accident" asked me why I would want to have children so early, and why I decided to get pg. So in my experience, yes, people have asked why I wanted a bio child. Even more when I announced I was pg a second time. It's not surprising to me when people ask about why to adopt. In my case, starting an adoption is obviously not an accident, and deliberately having a child (or multiple children) at my age isn't all that widely accepted. I don't agree... obviously... I'm just so used to it that it seems normal when I'm asked why. It only phases me when it's worded along the lines of, "Why don't you have more of your own?"

Thank you for responding! But yea, your case is definitely not the "norm" I am referring to. I had more in mind my average, married mid 20's to early 30's fertile friends who get pg at the drop of a hat---they aren't ever asked why because, well, it's "expected". Whenever you do anything out of the "norm" or what is considered conventional/acceptable, you get questions, which of course is why the adoption question isn't surprising. My point is at what point will the general public stop seeing adoption the way it does and start seeing it as what it is....instead of seeing it as such a great/saintly thing to "do" or as a consolation prize for not having the "real thing" (I loathe this insinuation) see it as just the way we become parents & it's just as great as having a bio spawn or pushing one out. The motivation isn't to go save anyone, do the right thing or to tie anyone over. It's simply to be a parent. Agree w/ me or not, these two views are widely held in the non-adoption world. I get both/very similar view points often.

I guess we won't ever know the OP's intent LOL but this has been interesting anyway. I've started responding to the question "Aren't you going to try again?!" with "We are." I expected people to think we are trying again too early, but instead it's like they expect me to try to have another baby-- just not to "resort" to adoption so soon. It's as simple as this: When we got pg adoption wasn't in the cards, financially and bc of time constraints; now, being pg is out of the question for time constraints and professional reasons but adoption is (finally!) possible. I'm sure we all hope that one day people will see a baby who was adopted as just your baby, not the second-best baby you saved or settled for.

mdm2137

kekis:

Our hearts want what my body can't give us, and biology isn't required to make a family.  It's really that simple.

This!