2nd Trimester

Help! Need advice about what to do! RE: a lie to DH?

I have been having terrible pain all day (in my tailbone and pelvic area) and so called the Dr. to run it by a nurse and they want me to come in after work to check it out. I have a feeling my Dr. will do an u/s since they might want to check my ovaries.

DH and I decided that we would wait to have the sex of the baby be a surprise (as we did with DS) but on the day of the u/s I wanted to know. He didn't and got mad that I changed my mind. So if they do an u/s today...I think I am going to ask what it is. But that means I will have to keep it from DH because I don't want to ruin his surprise either but also don't want him to know I know...but can I keep that kind of a secret?

And I am not going to lie...I have a feeling it is a girl because all of my symptoms are different this time but know that is crazy...so it isn't that I will be disappointed if it is a boy but feel like I have to know...I don't know...sorry if this sounds insane to you!

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Re: Help! Need advice about what to do! RE: a lie to DH?

  • Personally I would not find out today. I would find it too hard to keep from spilling the beans, then DH would be mad about 2 things, you finding out behind his back and ALSO lying about it!
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  • jnealetjnealet member

    imagemlstagner:
    Personally I would not find out today. I would find it too hard to keep from spilling the beans, then DH would be mad about 2 things, you finding out behind his back and ALSO lying about it!

     

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  • I can't really comment on keeping it from DH - because I would never be able to do that!

    But, my mom had two very different pregnancies and she has 2 daughters.  So different pregnancies doesn't necessarily mean it's the opposite sex as your first Smile.  It doesn't mean it isn't either of course

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  • 2-Step2-Step member
    All I can say is what I would do. I wouldn't keep that a secret from my DH. I would tell him that I want to know and will find out and not tell him if he wants a surprise. I'm sure he wants to wait because he wants to have that special moment in the delivery room when you both find out. I think it would be very hurtful if he found out down the road that you knew all along. At least if he knows that you know he can understand that it is a surprise for him but not for you. To me that is just too big of a secret and I would feel wrong about it. I'm not saying you shouldn't find out if you want to, but I would tell DH I am set on finding out and do it and just don't tell him what it is.
  • AWWW, crap ladies! I WANT TO KNOW! But I don't want to take away DH's excitement either...this is so unfair. Now I am a little mad at him. Why wouldn't he let me have my way? WTH?

    And hey, maybe they won't do the u/s today anyway.

    Thanks for the feedback!

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  • If you are dying to find out you should at least tell your DH you are going to find out and you won't tell him what it is if he still doesn't want to know.  I'd rather face the anger of DH being disappointed I changed my mind than the anger of DH finding out I kept a HUGE (and this is huge imo) secret from him.  That's just not how relationships should work in my opinion. 

    GL deciding what to do! 

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  • I wouldn't do it without telling him first. But if it's that big of a deal to you, then just tell him that. Then say you will try your hardest to keep it a secret if that is his choice.  I'm thankful DH and I both want to find out so we don't have this problem.
  • I would have the dr write it on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope if they can tell today.
    Then I would take that envelope home and tell DH what was inside.

    Then I would slowly, over a few days even maybe, try to change his mind into finding out!

    You could play it up how fun/cute it would be to find out together! Or make a party of it and open it in front of friends and family.....

    But yeah I couldn't lie to my DH....

    GL!

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  • Jules08Jules08 member
    imageTwoStrong:

    Now I am a little mad at him. Why wouldn't he let me have my way? WTH?

    It's just as much his baby too, why wouldn't you let him have his way?

     

    Personally I would only find out if we were both on board for finding out.  Like the others, I would never be able to keep from spilling the beans and more importantly, I would never lie to DH about it.

     

  • SInce this was our last one, I didn't want to find out, but DH isn't much for surprises.  He said that he could find out and I could stay in the dark 'til the end if I wanted to.  I thought about it, and figured I can't wait that long either! LOL!

    So, if you want to find out, go ahead but you better be able to keep your mouth shut from EVERYBODY.  AND you have to act surprised once the baby is born cause then he'll know.  Or you could tell him that you knew already and he may not care. I think from your DH's view, he wants both of you to be surprised together.

    You have to ask yourself, "How would DH react if I told him I already knew?"   

    FYI....my first two pregnancies were exactly the same both were boys.  This one, is completely different and it's another boy. ; ) 

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  • Lambie.Lambie. member
    I really don't think this will be an issue as I see no reason for them to do an u/s.  If they did your idea is terrible.
  • I couldn't imagine being able to keep that kind of a secret...especially for the rest of my life. I wouldn't dare do it.

    I kind of went through the same delimma. DH wanted to be there when we found out the sex. When I went in for an u/s at 13wks, the tech said she could make a guess but only my mom was with me so I told her no b/c I knew that if she was right about the sex, DH wouldn't be able to say later on that he was there when we found out. This could really hurt your DH if you go through with finding out...you'll feel a lot better about yourself if you wait it out according to DH's wishes. You guys should be on the same team with this.

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  • It's your body - if you want to know, find out. 
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  • imageLambie.:
    I really don't think this will be an issue as I see no reason for them to do an u/s.  If they did your idea is terrible.
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  • Whoops...tried to write that the u/s is because I have issues with my ovaries in the first place and they mentioned checking them.
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  • Have you ever considered... oh, I don't know, maybe having an adult conversation with your H about what you want?  Or is this passive aggressive going-behind-his- back thing just easier?
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  • vspekvspek member

    I see your point, but it's actually the other way with us. DH wants to know and I want to keep this a surprise, so he said to bring him the sex of the baby in the envelope. I know he will not be able to keep this from me or from his mom and my mom will be asking as well, so I kind of gave up and we are going to find out. 

    Just talk to your DH and say that you want to do it differently with this one and it is a surprise regardless.

    GL! 

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  • I wouldn't lie to my DH.... my husband was leaning more towards not finding out and I knew and was always upfront about absolutely wanting to know. Is it possible to just be upfront that you really want to know, and see how he feels about it being a surprise for him in the delivery room?

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  • Jules08Jules08 member
    imagelisajay09:
    imageJules08:
    imageTwoStrong:

    Now I am a little mad at him. Why wouldn't he let me have my way? WTH?

    It's just as much his baby too, why wouldn't you let him have his way?

     

    Personally I would only find out if we were both on board for finding out.  Like the others, I would never be able to keep from spilling the beans and more importantly, I would never lie to DH about it.


    Why is it ok for HIM to dictate to her what she can and can't do? 

    I don't agree with this theory.  I carry this baby and yes, it's just as much his, but who is he to tell me what I can and can not do?   And if he wants to do that to me, which I don't know why a man would begrudge his SO finding out the sex of their baby, well, then he's an as$hole.  If he isn't on board with finding out he should shut the F up, buck up and find out for her sake (and I mean that with the utmost of respect).  Sorry, I just don't get this mentality.  I would never dare DH him what he HAS to do.  If he wants something bad, who the helll am I to tell him NO?  I'd rather see him happy.

    Apparently sarcasm was lost.

    My point was, by stating: "Why wouldn't he let me have my way? WTH?" OP is coming across as a bit selfish and whiny.  It's a two-way street: she see's it as wanting her way and her SO apparently wants it his way.  Why should her wants outweigh his?  They shouldn't.

    Thy need to have an adult conversation about who wants what and why, then make a decision that they are both on board with. 

    I absolutely do NOT agree that he should "shut the F up about it" or think of him as an "a$$hole" if he does not do what the OP wants as you say.  Relationships are to be 50/50 .

    I also think it is something horrible for OP to even consider finding out and lying to her SO about it.  That shows no respect for him at all.

     

  • Woah Robotlegs and a few others, chill out! I can just hear some dorkish voice telling me to have an "adult" conversation with my DH....oh Lord.

    Some others, thanks for the good advice. Of course I love my husband and know how excited he was because for DS he got to see his sex before me and announce it after the horrible delivery and c/s. And so I went with it again and as the weeks have gone by I have been over curious about the sex of this baby.

    So I get home today with my sexy support belt and DH goes, "Did they do the u/s for your ovaries?" and I said that no, the NP said we might do it with the tech when the Dr. is here on Thursday and he said..."Ohhhhh, I was thinking you might have found out if it is a boy or a girl today!" So he knows me pretty well! LOL I asked if he would have been upset if I did and he said, "No. As long as you didn't tell me and if you keep your purchases a secret." Again, knows me well! Haha

    He is coming to the Thursday appointment so we will see what happens then. I might be over it by then anyway.

    Good Times!

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  • How about doing on of those over the counter test things together (they aren't always right) that way you can sorta "know" but you both still have the big moment in the delivery room?

    I just know that I wouldn't be able to keep that a secret from DH. I tell him EVERYTHING, whether he wants to know or not, haha. Of course, he also has to nail my presents to the ceiling or I will open them before xmas, bday, etc., lol I rat on myself constantly. He just laughs and says jokes that he'll never have to worry about me running around behind his back b/c I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut around him, hahahahaha....

  • And wow, I just realized I am starting to sound like my MIL with the rambling thing. Sheesh.
  • Jules08Jules08 member
    imagelisajay09:

    What i was saying was that he would be an as$hole to stop his SO from finding out, which is what he's doing....not having a conversation, just outright saying NO to finding out, so much so that she actually is considering finding out and lying about it (which would be wrong)...that's the as$hole. My point was that I don't think he should be able to decide FOR her. I can't see why a man would want to deprive his SO of finding out if that's what she really wanted. I think a real man should back off and join his SO in her joy of finding out. Not ALL decisions NEED to be 50/50...that's reality...that's life.

    Yep, still disagree with you. You are still implying that her wants are more important than his. (obviously OP has updated and this doesnt really matter anymore) You ask why should a man deprive a woman of finding out at the u/s if thats what she really wants ... Well why should she deprive him of the surprise at birth if thats what he really wants? Thought you posted earlier that you would never say no to something that would make your SO happy? I just dont get how you can keep arguing that he should just give in because thats what she wants. I guess in the end it makes me thankful for the relationship that DH and I have because our decisions ARE 50/50. Also, she never once stated that he told her that she had to wait, she actually said that THEY made the decision to wait and find out.
  • imagelisajay09:
    imageJules08:
    imagelisajay09:

    What i was saying was that he would be an as$hole to stop his SO from finding out, which is what he's doing....not having a conversation, just outright saying NO to finding out, so much so that she actually is considering finding out and lying about it (which would be wrong)...that's the as$hole. My point was that I don't think he should be able to decide FOR her. I can't see why a man would want to deprive his SO of finding out if that's what she really wanted. I think a real man should back off and join his SO in her joy of finding out. Not ALL decisions NEED to be 50/50...that's reality...that's life.

    Yep, still disagree with you. You are still implying that her wants are more important than his. (obviously OP has updated and this doesnt really matter anymore) You ask why should a man deprive a woman of finding out at the u/s if thats what she really wants ... Well why should she deprive him of the surprise at birth if thats what he really wants? Thought you posted earlier that you would never say no to something that would make your SO happy? I just dont get how you can keep arguing that he should just give in because thats what she wants. I guess in the end it makes me thankful for the relationship that DH and I have because our decisions ARE 50/50. Also, she never once stated that he told her that she had to wait, she actually said that THEY made the decision to wait and find out.

    Decisions aren't always 50/50 and if you believe that, then you're certainly naive. There are decisions, such as the one we're discussing where someone has to concede...that's not 50/50.

    I live in a world where my DH genuinely enjoys making and seeing me happy and not putting his foot down about his opinion...and I do the same for him.....If it would make me happy to find out the sex of my baby, he would jump on board and be happy with me. He's just that kind of man.....I guess I'm the lucky one!

    So your saying that if you really wanted to find out and he really wanted to wait and be surprised, that he'd have to give in to you? That sucks for him. DH and and I genuinely want to see each other happy and we constantly comment about how neither of us ever put pressure on the other because when we make dwcisions we always want to be accomodating to the other. I think after 10 years together I can say with 100% certainly that our decisions are 50/50 and I am not naive about this. Using this particular example: I could go either way on finding out, DH was leaning towards wanting to know, we talked about both options and gave decided to find out. Neither feels like the other had to give in. I am the lucky one because neither DH or I have to "lose" in making a decision.
  • imagelisajay09:
    No, nobody wins or loses. If that's how you look at things in your relationship then that's unfortunate....For us, it's all about making compromises and sacrifices and being perfectly content in making them knowing that we're making each other happy. It's very easy and doesn't require sit down examinations of each other's points and opinions....it just happens...naturally. You should try it...it's very peaceful and a lot less work. My husband treats me very well....all on his own, because he wants to...no pressure from me. It's been this way since our first date. Again, I'm very lucky. Not everyone has this.

    Haha, you are the one who implied that someone has to "lose" or give in - I never once said that is in any way shape or form how my relationship is.  Let's see, you basically said that if that's what she wants he should ... what was it ... oh yeah "shut the F up about it" or he'd be an a$$hole.

    Clearly I stated that DH and I are 50/50 in our relationship as we are equals and treat each other with respect.  we actually like to have conversations and discussions.  It makes our decisions well informed.  You may think that your way is peaceful and is a lot less work, and maybe it is for you.  I prefer and equal partnership, not a controlling one.

    In your posts you have contradicted yourself numerous times and now seem to be backpedaling.  So I am done with this conversation as it is pointless with you. 


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