Advice re: friend's baby shower

ArcticFox

(sort of a RP from my local board, but thought I'd ask here since we have kids of similiar age)

My DH had a guy friend from HS, they were great friends until his friend got engaged.  Still, my DH was a groomsman at his friend's wedding, and we got together with the couple pretty often.  The couple came to my baby shower and visited us once after the baby arrived.

Since then, getting together is like pulling teeth.  DH's friend never called or e-mail him ONCE.  It has been 4 years.

The girl, I kept in touch here and there with e-mail, but then she wouldn't reply, or it would take forever to get a response.  She is a teacher and I am SAHM, so I would 'put the ball in her court' by letting her know quite often that my schedule was very flexible and we could basically get together whenever.  She'd say she'd get back to me - and never did - so the vicious cycle would repeat of me e-mailing her, then she'd say 'let's get together' and nothing would happen.

Now she's pregnant, very excited about having a baby, and wants me to come to her baby shower.  I feel kind of resentful that for 3 years now I have tried to get together, and that the husband never e-mailed my DH, but now they are bordering on urgently wanting to have us hang out/come to the shower.  I made all the effort, and I was really busy with my family/2 kids, yet they never once reached out.

Any thoughts?  I was thinking of sending a gift but probably allowing the friendship to fizzle.

smilejenn

When was the last time you saw her/talked to her? 3-4 years ago? If so, and you really don't have an interest in renewing a friendship, I wouldn't feel the need to attend the shower. I think it's a little bit odd to invite someone to your shower who you haven't talked to in years.

ArcticFox

Last time we saw them was 4 years ago.  I have e-mailed her several times a year, and we talked on the phone maybe 2 years ago.  Otherwise thats it.

I kind of feel like we 'could' renew our friendship, and that they would be all excited about their new baby, and then the friendship would start to fade again.

howleyshell

ArcticFox:

Any thoughts?  I was thinking of sending a gift but probably allowing the friendship to fizzle.

I'd go this route.

It sounds like the kind of thing where someone throws invites out to everyone in their address book just because they can.

 That's the "life's too short" part of me.

The other part of me wonders if they may truly want your friendship and guidance now that they're going to be in the same life stage as you.

I also wonder if they went thru infertility.

However.... if they're not willing to extend an olive branch/explanation beyond a shower invite out of the blue I think I'd still go the fizzle route.

It wouldn't have taken much for her to have figured this out and at least gotten together for coffee in the couple of months that she's known she's pregnant prior to the shower invites going out. 

Pesky

ITA with howleyshel.  She brought up a great point about possible explanations.  But long and short of it is that when the going got tough (i.e. working around your family and whatever issues they might have had), they dropped you.  Life is too short to spend with people like that.  I'd rather go out and cultivate other friendships instead.  So maybe send a gift along with your regrets and let it go.

mabma80

Sounds to me like she wants more people more presents. Skip it and find something else to do that day.

ArcticFox

Howley - Re IF - the interesting thing is, she asked me CONSTANTLY if I was preg.  When we got preg with our first, we told them no, because we hadn't told our parents.  The girl actually 'scolded' me for lying, even though I explained we hadn't even told our parents, and she was still pissed!!  I was like wth!

Then when DD turned 1 she CONSTANTLY asked if I was preg again.  I actually asked her to stop asking me, I would tell her if I was.  I actually miscarried at 14 weeks before we had told people, yet she kept asking me, and I was like, I just had a m/c so I'm not in any shape to discuss getting pregnant... she seemed pretty clueless that she was being rude.

Anyway I think she prob just added us to the guest list, and yea she prob wants a friend that 'has a baby too', I just think after 4 years it is unfortunate for her to think I'm going to instantly be a part of her life.