TTC After a Loss 6 Months+

i need to rant

I have been ttc for 23 months, during that time I have ovulated 4 times (three medicated), got ku once (8 months in) and lost that pregnancy at 7 weeks due to to progesterone deficiency which caused my lining to shed, the day I mc I had an u/s so I know my baby was alive and had a hb of 140/bpm. since  that time i have done 3 cycles of clomid, had 4 cycles cancelled or delayed for cysts (i have pcos), and 4 cycles cancelled for uterine polyps.  I realize most of you ladies have bee through a hell of a lot more and for a hell of a lot longer.

Now the rant - I have a friend who it took 14 months to get ku. She did several rounds of clomid, and then got pregnant on her own, had a pretty uneventful and healthy pregnancy and  now has this beautiful little boy who is about a month younger than my baby would be if she had not died. 

so she tells me yesterday, with her baby in her arms, that she understands where I am coming from and that she had been where I am. I could not help it I called her on her bs. I told her that there is no way that she has any idea where I am coming from and that until she could count the time she had been trying in years, and had to flush her baby and carry the question of when her baby actually died, she would never understand. She got mad at me and said that i was denying her struggle. 

if you are still reading this...was I wrong to call her out or should I have just not said anything? 

TTC since July 2009 ^Rosemary^ May 7, 2010 Holding my rainbow, Beatrix, since August 21, 2012

Re: i need to rant

  • You can not help the way you feel.  If you feel like she doesn't understand you, then she probably doesn't.  I have been at this on and off for almost 4 years, eventually you get to a point when you are tired of letting people get away with saying such insensitive things.  You can't take back what you said, if you are feeling bad about it, maybe in a few days you can talk with her and try to explain where you are coming from and why you felt the need to call her on her bs.  From my experience nobody will understand what you are going through unless they themselves have gone through it.

    Side note:  Soon after my loss my "BFF" compared my mc to her abortion, I could have killed her.

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  • I'm going to agree with pp, Rawr said it very nicely. You weren't wrong and you can't help feeling the way that you do and after a certain point you have to say something.

    My BFF actually was complaining to me that her son wasn't sleeping through the night yet. When I said something like, well at least you have two healthy children. She responded with "well if you just relax it will happen." I promptly responded with "well maybe if you just relax your son will sleep better." She went on to email this to all of our mutual friends asking if she was "right." Luckily I have another friend who dealt with IF after loss and stood up for me. However, we're not as close as we were but I'm ok with that. Maybe one day when I relax we can be friends again! Wink

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  • image Rawr08:

    Side note:  Soon after my loss my "BFF" compared my mc to her abortion, I could have killed her.

    OMG! Tell me you banned this person from your life!!!!

    And to OP, no, you weren't wrong for saying something. I think we all have had a friend either IRL or through support groups who can be terribly insensitive and they feel that they get a 'pass' because they've 'been there'. Which is true - and I don't try to discount their struggle, but you're right, it's not the same.

    I just hate when women play the "my journey is/was worse than yours" (not at all saying that's what you're doing). I just think it's such a lame fight - the 'who has it worst' struggle.

  • image babygirlpriest:
    image Rawr08:

    Side note:  Soon after my loss my "BFF" compared my mc to her abortion, I could have killed her.

    OMG! Tell me you banned this person from your life!!!!

    And to OP, no, you weren't wrong for saying something. I think we all have had a friend either IRL or through support groups who can be terribly insensitive and they feel that they get a 'pass' because they've 'been there'. Which is true - and I don't try to discount their struggle, but you're right, it's not the same.

    I just hate when women play the "my journey is/was worse than yours" (not at all saying that's what you're doing). I just think it's such a lame fight - the 'who has it worst' struggle.

    I appreciate the feedback, and I did call her and we met for coffee and talked it out. I explained how that "the I've been there" doesn't really help when I can hear her baby in the background and the "there" that she was is, and will remain for the foreseeable future, my reality. I explained that her insensitive comments hurt all the more because she should know better.

    She is still a bit put out with me and I think it will likely be a while before we hang out again, but at least everything is out in the open.

    and Babygirlpriest - I concur that I would cut ties with your "BFF"  if that had happened to me. You are a bigger person than I am if you can forgive that type of statement. 

    TTC since July 2009 ^Rosemary^ May 7, 2010 Holding my rainbow, Beatrix, since August 21, 2012
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  • No, I don't think you were wrong.  I admire you for confronting her insensitivity and I'm mentally shaking your hand for it.  Did it probably make her upset and will it probably make your friendship uncomfortable for a spell?  Sure.  But it needed to be said. 
    BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

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