so cliche, but do you feel appreciated by your H?

Amymarie13

After a lousy Mother's Day with a major lack of "appreciation" shown (truly, all i wanted was to not be in the kitchen at all, and to be outdoors with my husband and kids, enjoying free/family time. didn't get that) I am probably being sensitive, but H and I have been at odds lately. I keep feeling under-appreciated in te sense that I feel like H doesn't respect my staying at home or think I am doing a great job of it. I feel this way in general b/c I know that he would like me to work and contribute to the bank account. Also, because he never says," honey i appreciate the amazing job you are doing raising our kids"

What he does say is that he thinks our almost 3-yo has a self-esteem problem and that he thinks HE is the disciplinarian out of the 2 of us. SUUUPER frustrating b/c my JOB is to raise my children to feel loved and love themselves and others (ie have good self esteem) and my JOB is to discipline them when they need it, which I do ALL DAY LONG!!! So I feel that he is saying I am not doing my job well, and those are pretty high stakes, undisciplined kids with suffering self-esteem !!

Now, you all don't know me or my kids, but i ran the self-esteem thing by my MIL and SIL and they think he is nuts. And while my 2/3yo is a handful (what 2/3 yo isn't) she is an awesome little girl who is loved by all her family, neighnors, etc. they all think she is wonderful, not some wild unruly child. I suppose my H thinks this is because he swoops in at 6:30 pm and "sets her straight" from my free-wheeling all day? I am being sarcastic, but in reality, I spend 90% of her life with her. The weekends and evening time he spends add up to about 10% b/c he is constantly working/busy.

I guess what I am wondering is, do you feel appreciated by your H, and if so, hat has he done to make you feel thus? Did you have to do anything to get him to understand what you do all day and how hard you work to raise your children?   

mrsolsen2000

Yes, I feel appreciated by my husband. He tells me every day I have the harder job. He thanks me for every meal I make, saying it is delicious no matter what. He tells me I do too much and should not worry about a clean house etc. Is he perfect? No. He leaves his dirty socks on the floor, watches too much sports and thinks teaching DD to say "That's what she said" is funny. But he is very supportive of me and is my biggest fan. I try to make sure he feels the same way.

It doesn't sound like your DH is on board with you staying home (you said he wants you to contribute financially). It is hard to be supportive when you are not. He may resent you being home. You need to have a talk and find out if this is the case. Both partners have to be 100% in favor of one staying home for it to work. Oh and the best way to let him see how you contribute is to let him stay home with the kids all day (better yet for a weekend at least). DH stayed home with DD for the first 9 months so he knows first hand what goes into it.

Amymarie13

Is it financially feasible for you to not be working or does he think you sit around and relax all day? It's possible he may be feeling the added pressure of providing for your family now that you SAH. It's an adjustment all around.

Oh yes, we are comfortable. He likes to spend more than I do. We just moved into a brand new home, and there is nothing we need that we don't have. I prefer to sacrafice things like expensive cars and paintings in order to stay home. He has agreed to this, but what he would really like is to have those things.

Just to be devil's advocate here- Do you tell him you appreciate the amazing job he does of supporting your family and providing for you? I didn't realize how much my DH loved hearing that from me, and how much more productive he was around the house when he heard me say how much it mattered.

I absolutely do this. I make a point to, and provide tons of examples. Which is why it hurts all the more to not hear it back. I feel I am working hard too.

I do feel appreciated by my DH. He always thanks me for dinner, and reminds me the world won't end if I leave dishes in the sink. He pulls his weight around here too, and takes DS places so I can have some quiet time. We did have to have a long talk to get here, however. I felt guilty for no longer contributing financially and went way, way overboard trying to compensate for it by putting too much pressure on myself to be a perfect SAHM.

This is exactly what i do.- lots of pressure on myself.

It's a two way street. If you want to feel appreciated, it's important to make your DH feel appreciated too. If you need something you're not getting, ask for it.

I do everything i can to make him feel appreciated, saying things as well as giving him lots of free time/space on the weekends. We keep talking about it, but getting nowhere b/c i think the bottom line is he doesn't support it, but my bottom line is i want to raise my own kids....so we're at an impasse

J&A2008

Not all the time.  Our expectations of what I could accomplish as a SAHM/W have changed over time.  My ability to communicate my frustrations with him without yelling or accusing has improved.

Try talking to him.  Let him know how much it would mean to you if he'd tell you that he appreciates you.  Make sure you're doing the same for him. 

As far as his approach vs. yours, be glad for your kids that they get two parents with a different view of parenting and different perspectives.  I think it makes for more balanced kids, as long as you and DH aren't creating friction over the differences.  Embrace them, and encourage your DH to find his way to work with the kids.  Don't look at it as an attack on your parenting, but rather DH using his time to figure out the type of parent he wants to be.  It's a good thing,  it shows he's involved and an active parent.

Amymarie13

rmj80:

Amymarie13:

  

I do feel appreciated by my DH. He always thanks me for dinner, and reminds me the world won't end if I leave dishes in the sink. He pulls his weight around here too, and takes DS places so I can have some quiet time. We did have to have a long talk to get here, however. I felt guilty for no longer contributing financially and went way, way overboard trying to compensate for it by putting too much pressure on myself to be a perfect SAHM.

It's a two way street. If you want to feel appreciated, it's important to make your DH feel appreciated too. If you need something you're not getting, ask for it.

ETA: My tone sounds harsh, which was not my intention.... I apologize if it sounds crticial.

I agree with all of this and wanted to add that in addition to appreciation, respect is a BIG deal. My DH (and I believe most, if not all, men) need to know that you respect them. That means treating him as if he is intelligent, competent, and important AND not talking about him behind his back to your girlfriends/family or saying "funny" things about him in front of others. (not saying you do this, but just that a lot of people don't even think about it)

Also, it sounds to me like you need to sit down with your DH and tell him how you're feeling. Then, ask him what he thinks and really listen.

Thanks...I read a book called Love and Respect or something like that, but I do get the whole "women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected". I try really hard, but maybe i am not getting that across. thanks for the reminder

Amymarie13

Thanks for the advice everyone. i do appreciate it and thanks poster who edited to say that you didn't mean to sound harsh. I appreciate everything you all said. He is a GREAT father and husband, and I FEEL like I go out of my way to say that and to provide examples to him and in front of his family and friends (like saying how awesome he is to them). I am looking for the same from him and don't get it. It is hurtful and maybe he doesn't appreciate what i do or maybe i amnot doing as good a job as i think i am ...who knows. but thanks for your feedback