It's been almost a year...

achase123

Since XH aka Super Douche has seen P.  June 20th will be the one year mark.  I have confirmed that he's actually in rehab, and will be for another month.  My fear is that once out he will try to take me back to court to gain visitation again.

While I realize I am worried about the unknown and should do my best not to stress about what I cannot control, I still do.  I wonder how the courts would view a man who has not seen his child in a year and who has been in and out of jail. 

My worry is that they will see his time in rehab as an effort to better his life and give him another chance.  While I wouldn't be opposed to this, what I AM opposed to is him coming back in, only to mess up again and be gone (as I am sure will happen).  My belief is it's more beneficial for him to be gone completely than an inconsistent father figure.

My position right now is that IF that day comes when I have to go back to court, I will fight him tooth and nail to keep visitation from being reinstated.  I guess I'm wondering if that seems too harsh and I should jump on the "he's gone to rehab and born again and all of that jazz so let's all jump up and down and give him his 1,999th chance" bandwagon.

Thoughts?

kmartinez80

Are you opposed to any and all visitation?  I understand where you're coming from, but if he goes to rehab, completes the program, gets his sh!t together enough to take you back to court and will agree to mandatory drug testing (before visits or hair tests on regular schedule) and he proves he is keeping himself clean then I think you're being really harsh in fighting him tooth and nail.  He was required to have supervised visitation before, correct?  If he takes you back to court then I would push for that again and make sure it is professionally supervised at his expense.  The supervisors can be required to write reports for the court to give feedback on the visits.  Ultimately, I think it would be too harsh to just go in there saying no, no matter what I don't want him having visitation and I think it will look bad for you.  I think if you can come up with a scenario that makes you comfortable and assures P's safety then you should go into court with that (if SD even takes you back to court).  Just my two cents.

achase123

kmartinez80:

Are you opposed to any and all visitation?  I understand where you're coming from, but if he goes to rehab, completes the program, gets his sh!t together enough to take you back to court and will agree to mandatory drug testing (before visits or hair tests on regular schedule) and he proves he is keeping himself clean then I think you're being really harsh in fighting him tooth and nail.  He was required to have supervised visitation before, correct?  If he takes you back to court then I would push for that again and make sure it is professionally supervised at his expense.  The supervisors can be required to write reports for the court to give feedback on the visits.  Ultimately, I think it would be too harsh to just go in there saying no, no matter what I don't want him having visitation and I think it will look bad for you.  I think if you can come up with a scenario that makes you comfortable and assures P's safety then you should go into court with that (if SD even takes you back to court).  Just my two cents.

No, that's good.  I wondered if I would be too harsh by saying no visitation whatsoever.  I agree that supervised visits at his expense with mandatory drug testing would be fair.

It's a big "what if" scenario, but sense I am someone who overthinks things these are the thoughts that run through my head.

Thanks for the input!

huber22

I hope that you don't mind me weighing in. I've lurked here for a long time because of some family members who are now single parents. It's given me a sense of what they are going through.

 I think that you are absolutely 100% justified in not wanting him around. That being said, if he's really changed, your son deserves to have him in his life-- but only if he's truly changed for the good.

 I think that you should fight tooth and nail for drug tests, supervised visits and making him prove that he's changed-- gets a job, stays clean, etc. 

Best of luck.  

achase123

tifanico:

My question here is what would take for him to show that he is REALLY changed? Is him going to rehab enough? Its a step in the right direction but not enough. Should it be measured in x months clean means that he is all better?

I would fight as hard as I could to make him prove how bad he wants to have a relationship with his son. 

I agree, S.  The thing is, these are all the same things that I've heard time and time again.  Even him telling me that he completed The Children of Divorce workshop could be a big fat lie for all I know. 

In my experience with SD, especially SD on drugs (which I'm going to just assume he still is, based on that pic you saw) is that he can't stick with anything that takes perseverance.  And you better believe that he will need this quality to earn back his rights to see his son, if I have anything to do with it.

r9stedt

kmartinez80:

Are you opposed to any and all visitation?  I understand where you're coming from, but if he goes to rehab, completes the program, gets his sh!t together enough to take you back to court and will agree to mandatory drug testing (before visits or hair tests on regular schedule) and he proves he is keeping himself clean then I think you're being really harsh in fighting him tooth and nail.  He was required to have supervised visitation before, correct?  If he takes you back to court then I would push for that again and make sure it is professionally supervised at his expense.  The supervisors can be required to write reports for the court to give feedback on the visits.  Ultimately, I think it would be too harsh to just go in there saying no, no matter what I don't want him having visitation and I think it will look bad for you.  I think if you can come up with a scenario that makes you comfortable and assures P's safety then you should go into court with that (if SD even takes you back to court).  Just my two cents.

This is fabulous.

julia0402

I don't have too much to add to what PP's have said, except for the fact that SD seems like the type of guy who, if he ever does achieve getting supervised visits, will be gone again soon after that anyway.  Hopefully this won't be an issue in the first place, but if it is, I doubt he will be a problem for too long.