Sorry to interrupt, lurky, but I need SP advice

julia0402

We are kind of at a crossroads with Caro's dad and I'm not sure what is in her best interest.  The situation is that he has always been in and out of her life randomly due to his career which requires him to travel a lot, and now she is not attached to him at all and actually screams and throws a fit whenever she sees him because she doesn't want to leave me and go with him.  She actually acts like she is afraid of him.  He lives near us now but will be moving far away for work after one more year and so then he will only see her very rarely.

So which do you think would be better for her?

a) Have him really step up and take all his visitation for the next year, even though he will be gone after that and she will feel abandoned, or

b) Have him just stop taking visits altogether so that we don't have to force her to be taken away from her only stable attachment figure (me)?

I have a feeling that in the long run, it might be better for her to just let it go now, especially since he has been so unreliable about spending time with her... but I have a hard time admitting to myself that I could be doing this completely alone for the foreseeable future, and I have a hard time saying that him walking away from his child could ever be the right answer.

So what would you do?  He says he is willing to go with either option but won't make a decision and I just want some input as to what other single moms think is more in her best interest.

julia0402

beccaga16:

Honestly, if he is willing to step up I would think him being in her life is what is best. In the long run it is best for a child to have some relationship with both parents (if safe) and it is especially good to have some kind of stable relationship with the parent of the opposite sex.

Even if it's only for one more year?  I also think it's always best to have both parents involved as much as possible but he and I are afraid that if she does form any attachment, she'll feel more abandoned when he moves away. 

julia0402

I guess the question is, what is better-- no dad, or a dad who constantly disappoints her?  FML that I have to ask that question.

BMenz

julia0402:

beccaga16:

Honestly, if he is willing to step up I would think him being in her life is what is best. In the long run it is best for a child to have some relationship with both parents (if safe) and it is especially good to have some kind of stable relationship with the parent of the opposite sex.

Even if it's only for one more year?  I also think it's always best to have both parents involved as much as possible but he and I are afraid that if she does form any attachment, she'll feel more abandoned when he moves away. 

I agree with Becca. Something is better than nothing even if he's not living close. Have you asked him flat out "how would you feel if you didn't see her at all?" The feeling I get from when you say "he won't make a decision either way" kind of feels like he really wants to be involved but if he says he wants to, maybe you won't be 'cool' about it (which I know you would, but men are like that).

FWIW, around that age, ds started acting that way to DB so I'm guessing it's just a phase....when we'd do our drop offs he would cry and cry and tell me not to leave.

When he moves you could always skype a few times a week so she knows who he is. Just because he wouldn't be there in person wouldn't mean that she couldn't know/understand who he is and have (at least) some sort of relationship

eta: if he didn't have the job he has now, do you think he would be more involved and would be better to say what he wants?

samluv05

That's a hard question, I'm sorry you're even having to ask this. I have 2 really close friends who both grew up with their dad in and out of their lives. They've both said that they wish he had never been in their lives at all. They would rather have a father who was non-existent, that one who came in and out of their lives dissapointing them over and over again.

Just what I know from them, can't say that's how everyone in that situation feels.

julia0402

BMenz, I think he would be involved more if he had a different job... I *think*.  I'm really not sure... I think that when he sees her, he is reminded of me and how I left him, so that is part of the reason he avoids taking her.  That and he doesn't really know how to handle her by himself because he didn't do much parenting while we were married.

Becca, I agree with you about the year of fathering and then visits later-- like I said, I just can't bring myself to say that it is better for him to walk away from his child.  I just worry that the situation will be like samluv said.  Because deep down I think he would be almost relieved if I told him that all he had to do was write a check every month.  I really don't know.  I guess I should just leave it up to him and he will be as much of a father as he wants to be. 

Temp552270562505132

julesy, go with your gut.  the fact that he is willing to stop visitations is not a father who cares deeply for his child.

i would think that with this attitude, it would be better to have him out of her life sooner so she doesn't remember it.  

 

its better to have it this way, then you dont have to deal with a father in and out and in and out of her life.  that would be my opinion.  

this is where i am at with my ex h also.

its a hard decision.  go with your gut no matter what though.   

achase123

What are his thoughts on this, or is he just leaving it all up to you?  IMO if he doesn't care enough to fight for visitation, that's indicative that he doesn't deserve to really be in her life.

It's a tough spot to be in but it's up to HIM to step up to the plate.

sweetie0228

I'm sorry.

There is no good answer here if he's not commited to it.

You can google search my screen name and thebump and it will come up w/ all my posts.  I have quite a few poingant posts regarding my 14 yr old DD and her current struggles with her biofather.

I keep promising Achase, I only know so much b/c I've been a bad example for a long time.  I've made regretful decisions that impacted my children more than I could have imagined at the time.  And I truly thought when I made them I was going to save them from hurt.  Either way was going to be a bad decision. 

BostonGayGal

I can't tell from your post if by placing the responsibility of the choice on you he is gallantly trying to do what is best or whether he just doesn't care. In terms of what's best... I would say visits would be best, but I would also pressure him for a letter with a photo once a month when he is gone, and/or a phone call/skype once a month. But how she manages it and whether she processes it as abandonment is largely up to you. I think thus would be a situation where a counselor would be effective at shaping how the change in availability is understood by her and how it should be discussed in the house between the two of you.

huber22

I lurk here too, but I couldn't help but comment.

I keep thinking that a good year of great parenting would be good for them both. If he wants to "quit" after he moves, it's his choice (albiet a terrible one). But I thikn the most important thing is to let him choose. If you tell him to "go away," even if you think you are helping your daughter, I can't help but think it may hurt your relationship in the end. I just think that for now, this needs to be his choice, not yours.  

Best case scenario is that he'll make a real attempt to be a parent for this year and realize how much his daughter means to him, and he'll continue to be a part of her life.

crystalt426

I agree with most of the other ladies in that you should continue the visitation. Long distance visitations are always on option as DD gets older, but there is alot you can do in the mean time. DH is in the military and has to leave often. During his last deployment YDD was only a little over 1 and SS was only 4. DH stayed in contact with us through skype and pictures. Even tough SS wasn't here with us, when he was with my in-laws, they would get on the computer or draw pictures to send to DH. Just seeing and talking to DH made the kids feel much closer to them. Taking away every thing would not make it easier on you or your DD. BM tried that option with SS (against our wishes) and it didn't turn out well for her. It only made SS want to have DH around more and now he resents BM for trying to take away his Dad. Just do what you can now and the rest will fall into place.

julia0402

Thank you so much ladies.  I really appreciate all the support and advice.

I mean, I am definitely not going to ever tell him to stop taking visits.  That would be crazy IMO.  He didn't really express a strong opinion one way or another about what he wanted to do (although he said several times that it would be better to cut things off while she is still young... and just the fact that he is strongly considering cutting off visitation is indicative of his character/parenting...).

I basically told him that what he does is up to him but that I believe what is best is for him to be as involved as possible.  I have a feeling he will fade away from our lives in the not-too-distant future... but at least it won't be on me.  I have enough guilt on my plate without taking on any more of the blame for their deteriorating relationship.