If your DH travels or is away quite a bit... how do you do it? (long)

slukd79

As a reminder/back story: I am the big fat complainer about my DH working for the fed government and being "on call" of sorts to start a new job with them. (Switching agencies, but cleared for hire for over a year.)

Great news!: He got the call to go about a month ago. We had 2 weeks to prepare and he has officially been gone for 2 weeks now.

Unfortunately, I need help! Being a single mom is beyond the hardest thing I have done in my life. I am cutting myself some slack by letting her watch about 30 minutes of TV in the evening for me to put things away/make dinner in peace etc. I also am taking showers in the evening to avoid the meltdowns of her sitting on the bathroom floor while I try to take a shower in the morning.

I am starting to have significant anxiety about being her only caregiver (with the exception of daycare.) I had to take a sick day on Friday due to her running a moderately high fever and all I could think was, "I only have 2 more sick days until July 1!" Why wasn't I thinking about her health? We have no family in the area and despite coworkers offering to help when I need it, I don't feel comfortable asking.

So I guess I am asking for any general suggestions when you are alone. I am seriously considering dropping her off at childcare on my days off (Wednesdays.) Does anyone else do this? I have guilt knowing that I dropped to part time in order to spend more time with her, and now I am thinking about taking her in to daycare more rather than less...

TIA! (I have a feeling I am becoming known as the whiny member of the board... I promise we have great days! I just don't post about them!)

QueSrah

My DH is only away two or three nights per quarter, so I'm lucky that I really look forward to his trips (to get time for my TV or whatever).  But even still, when he's home and I'm just not getting time to myself I take a day off and still take DD to daycare so I can either catch up on errands or just relax a little.  She loves it there, and it's no harm to her to get time with her friends while I decompress.  It sounds like you really need some of that.  You're not a bad mom for taking time to take care of yourself while someone watches your DD. 

DCtoLowcountry

If you are running the show solo while your DH is at work, please have no guilt in taking care of yourself. Absolutely drop your DD off at daycare so that you have time to get things done without "helping" hands and decompress. And don't be shy - if someone offers to help, say "yes" and whip out your calendar - I think that's good advice for all parents! If I was in your shoes, I'd much rather have my kid in daycare an extra day if it meant I was a healthier, happier mom the rest of the time. Hang in there and let us know how it's going!

WinesNot Whines

I don't think you're a complainer at all! If I was a single mom for an extended time, I'd lose my ever-loving mind. I would send LO to daycare on Wednesdays so you can get things done. It will allow you to spend more quality time with her when you're together.

How long will your DH be gone? If it's only for a couple of weeks, I'd just set very low standards for myself as far as cleaning, cooking, and things like that. I'd subsist on pizza, sandwiches, cereal, and frozen meals, and my house would look like a tornado hit it. But I can live like that for a couple of weeks without any real harm.

If he's gone for a longer time, I'd implement some strategies to try to make life easier. Consider hiring a cleaning person if you don't already have one. Only cook a couple of real meals every week, and then eat leftovers and take-out for the other days. If your family lives far away, can you fly them out to help you for a week at a time? I considered doing that when we thought DH was going to have to do a lot of traveling.

Do you have any vacation days in addition to your sick days? It would suck to take a vacation day to stay home with a sick kid, but it's an option. Hang in there!

victoria1212

don't feel guilty about dropping her off at daycare on your day off! you need the time to yourself PLUS think how much you can get done by yourself.

My DH does not travel very often but since his surgery in March I have taken on a lot more of the responsibilities and it is hard (my advantage is that he at least at home).

Is your DH home on the weekends? If not, would you consider getting a babysitter occasionally so you can get a break? Or getting a babysitter during the week so you could go to the gym/shopping/out to dinner with friends?

 

SoonToBeMrsDTS

DH used to travel all the time. Thanks to major cutbacks, they have limited everyone's travel in his department. I don't mind at all I stay home so my situation is a little different. I used to take DD in the shower with me in the morning. I'd put some toys on the floor and let her play while I showered and then washed her hair and body real quick at the end. I didn't have to do bath in the evening and I still got to shower in the morning. We ate out of the freezer a lot - stuff that I had doubled in advance so I could just defrost and reheat. Do you have other friends whose husbands travel? I would try to plan a meal with a friend who also had no spouse for the night. It kind of broke up the monotony of being alone with her all night, every night. I had to get used to the house being a little messier. I couldn't keep up with all by myself with no one to take over kid duty. Good luck, I know how much it stinks!!

emack

Don't feel guilty! This is hard and those are all great ideas for helping you manage. 30 minutes of TV won't hurt her at all! I would HIGHLY recommend dropping her at daycare on your days off. My DH doesn't travel much at all and I still do this. FIrst of all, I can get errands done easily and little things accomplished. Second of all, I get time for myself, which is amazing and something everyone should get. I feel guilt from time to time, but I often rationalize it by realizing she'd have more fun at daycare than getting dragged around on errands. 

I think all your ideas are fantastic - just don't give yourself a hard time about them!! 

vtkgirl77

My DH travels probably once every 4-8 weeks and I can identify. It is really hard.

As far as taking her to daycare on your day off, I highly recommend it. I have every Friday off and I always take DD to daycare. I use that day to run errands, cook, do laundry, get organized, go to my appointments, and to just have an uninterrupted "sanity" day where I can do stuff without a toddler under my feet. I felt guilty at first but now I realize that it's the best decision for my family. On the weekends, I'm pretty much free to hang out with DD and give her my undivided attention.

As far as during the week, I use similar strategies to you (let DD watch some TV, take my showers at night, etc.). I also pre-make meals for DD and have them in the freezer. Usually when DH is out of town, I don't cook. I'll eat a frozen meal or throw together a quick salad and then give DD one of her freezer meals. To make DD's freezer meals, I make a cup and a half of brown rice, mix in a bunch of frozen peas, carrots and corn, and cut up some Trader Joes turkey meatballs. I then put them in these containers (the ones that are about 3" x 3") and that recipe makes about 8 meals.

After DD goes to bed, that's when I quickly do my "chores" before relaxing. I clean up the kitchen, get everything ready for the next day, take a shower, etc.

kastle

My hats go off to you!  I'm about to pull my hair out when my husband has to work late & I have to do dinner, bath time, bedtime, etc.

ditto sending her to daycare on her day off.  it doesn't have to be every week (there is nothing wrong if you do that), but allow yourself to have that as an option.

You deserve to have some time for yourself.  On Wednesdays, you could run errands, cook food for the week, clean the house or go to the bookstore and leisurely read a magazine over a fancy cup of caffeine. There's no shame in taking a "time out" of childcare to do any of those things.

slukd79

These are helpful suggestions.

The meal planning through me for a loop-- I am used to cooking full meals for DH, me and LO but now it takes a week to finish a lasagna or casserole or something, so I need to rethink that piece. Previously I was freezing breakfast options for LO (and thawing as needed during the week), but maybe I should also start doing that with dinners too.

And yes, I should take people up on offers to help... That one I just need to get over my whole train of thought that they didn't really mean it.

DH is gone for an additional 18 weeks, sometimes he can come home on the weekends and sometimes he can't. They won't let you know in advance so I keep planning my life as if he won't be here, and then if he shows up, great!

Today we are at home because I am taking her to a class, but I think starting next week I may take her in. My mentality at this point is: she likes daycare and I am paying for it so why not use it for a "mental health" day!

This is sort of unrelated, but I am finding this age particularly challenging. She was a very easy baby and somewhere between 12 months and now, she has become a limit testing, drama filled toddler. I have 6 toddler discipline books at my bedside!

allison8878

My DH travels 2-3 times a month for 3-4 days at a time. It can be hard so always remember to make time for yourself. Ditto pp on taking mental health days. Also, consider hiring a babysitter to watch her while you cook meals for the week, clean, etc rather than trying to do it when she's asleep because that should be "me" time. What helps me is having a good routine with my boys each day so that they know what to expect, and so do I.
One day at a time, but you can do it!

tracy042206

Absolutely take her to daycare and do not feel guilty.  I have no idea when I would grocery shop/clean my house or get anything 'extra' done if I didn't use weekdays off when I drop them off at daycare.And I have my DH at home! 

Also freezing the meal portions is a good idea.  Pastas like lasagna do freeze well and I always try and plan to take things for lunches too.  When my DH isn;t home I mainly cook for the girls and have some easy things for me like sandwiches, salad with some cooked chicken and good toppings etc.

Good luck, 18 weeks is a long time to be without a helping hand.  If you have girlfriends in the area I would get a babysitter and try and go out once every few weeks just for dinner, maybe a movie etc.  You need a break too!

MrsNJSwimmer

Definitely don't feel guilty. 

But I wanted to add one thing - grocery delivery.  It's so worth the $8-10 delivery fee to not take a toddler to the grocery store - just one more thing that can help your time out while DH is gone (and even when he gets home maybe!).  You can even have it delivered when you're at work and put it away later - and there's no commitment to use the service again if you don't like it!

slukd79

MrsNJSwimmer:

Definitely don't feel guilty. 

But I wanted to add one thing - grocery delivery.  It's so worth the $8-10 delivery fee to not take a toddler to the grocery store - just one more thing that can help your time out while DH is gone (and even when he gets home maybe!).  You can even have it delivered when you're at work and put it away later - and there's no commitment to use the service again if you don't like it!

Good thought. I was doing this when I was on maternity leave and loved it. Maybe I will try again!

garden123

Paper plates and relaxing music.