Help!!??

sarajean5682

DH and I are going to find out the gender of our baby but we are telling everyone that we are not.  We plan on having more kids so we want gender neutral gifts and we just want to keep it to ourselves for a while.  My mom REALLY wants to go to the u/s with us.  She is a RN and loves all things medical.  When she had kids they didn't do u/s so she wants to see one with me.  My mom is amazing and usually never sticks her nose into things.  For some reason I can't say no.  I was hoping she would kind of forget about it so I never brought it up.  EVERY time I talk to her now she asked me if we scheduled it yet, which we have not.  It's something DH and I want to experience by ourselves, at least for our first baby.  Is it evil of me to just tell her we're not having one?  My DH wants me to tell her that our Dr. says we don't need one, etc, etc.....  Truly, I can't flat out say no to her.  My parents do SO much for us I think I would really hurt her feelings.  Do I let her come and hope she keeps her mouth shut about the gender or do I tell her we aren't having an u/s?

chele129

can you maybe talk to the US tech before hand and tell them what's going on. then maybe they can just write down the gender for you. that way you and DH can look when you are alone and mom won't know, or maybe you could just call and ask after. you don't have to find out right then and there if you don't want mom to know yet.

KareBearKCD

Another way you can do it. Is have your mom come but first go in just you and DH do some US and have tech tell you the sex and then have them call your mom in and she can see the US after you have seen it first. Call your Dr and ask them if they could do that for you. Or at your appt tell them you want you and DH first then your mom can come in.

Honeydewchestnut

I really think the best idea is to tell her you want this to be between you and YH.  Lying about it would most likely hurt her feelings more than you sitting down with her and being honest about what you want.

marista99

That's a tough one. If it were me I'd go with her to the medical u/s and not find out, then schedule an elective u/s later to find out the sex. Seems shady and dishonest but if I knew it was really important to my mom I couldn't say no to her coming alone.

marista99

KareBearKCD:

Another way you can do it. Is have your mom come but first go in just you and DH do some US and have tech tell you the sex and then have them call your mom in and she can see the US after you have seen it first. Call your Dr and ask them if they could do that for you. Or at your appt tell them you want you and DH first then your mom can come in.

oh that's a better idea than mine.

Augustbride

Maybe you could schedule an elective ultrasound to bring your mom with you. Then you can tell them your not finding out the sex and she will still get an experience. I know you would have to pay for it but it might give you the control over the situation.

sarajean5682

*HoneydewChestnut*:

I really think the best idea is to tell her you want this to be between you and YH.  Lying about it would most likely hurt her feelings more than you sitting down with her and being honest about what you want.

 Easier said than done.  Like I said in my original post I just don't think I can tell her she can't come along.  I think I'm going to take pp's suggestion and have them write it down.  I'll tell my mom we want to open the envelope after the baby is born.  I actually have a couple of friends that really did do that.   

sarajean5682

marista99:

That's a tough one. If it were me I'd go with her to the medical u/s and not find out, then schedule an elective u/s later to find out the sex. Seems shady and dishonest but if I knew it was really important to my mom I couldn't say no to her coming alone.

We thought of that as an option too but where I live the elective u/s are upwards of $200.  We certainly can afford it but we'd rather spend it on other things the baby needs.  It still is an option we are considering.

Thank you everyone so much for all the great suggestions.  That's why I really love this board!  

marista99

sarajean5682:

marista99:

That's a tough one. If it were me I'd go with her to the medical u/s and not find out, then schedule an elective u/s later to find out the sex. Seems shady and dishonest but if I knew it was really important to my mom I couldn't say no to her coming alone.

We thought of that as an option too but where I live the elective u/s are upwards of $200.  We certainly can afford it but we'd rather spend it on other things the baby needs.  It still is an option we are considering.

Thank you everyone so much for all the great suggestions.  That's why I really love this board!  

whoa, really? Here you can get one for $69 and Boston is a pretty pricey area. I bet you can find one cheaper if you shop around. But the other ideas are good too!

romigu

*HoneydewChestnut*:

I really think the best idea is to tell her you want this to be between you and YH.  Lying about it would most likely hurt her feelings more than you sitting down with her and being honest about what you want.

I agree with this.  I think things will get more complicated if you make convoluted plans in attempt to deceive her.  Just be honest....its hard in this situation but its also YOUR experience and you shouldn't have to change things because of your mom. 

magel050485

romigu:

*HoneydewChestnut*:

I really think the best idea is to tell her you want this to be between you and YH.  Lying about it would most likely hurt her feelings more than you sitting down with her and being honest about what you want.

I agree with this.  I think things will get more complicated if you make convoluted plans in attempt to deceive her.  Just be honest....its hard in this situation but its also YOUR experience and you shouldn't have to change things because of your mom. 

This.  I highly doubt calling wherever you have the u/s done at and asking them to write down the gender will work.... a) many people work there and they cant guarantee who you will get and b) unless its an elective ultrasound their purpose is not to provide you with some great gender reveal but to ensure that your baby is healthy.  If you want gender neutral stuff to use for future children why not just register for gender neutral stuff?  And if clothes are your concern people will probably buy you boring gender neutral stuff or both (in my area if the gender isnt known most people buy two outfits- one for a boy and one for a girl) 

marista99

romigu:

*HoneydewChestnut*:

I really think the best idea is to tell her you want this to be between you and YH.  Lying about it would most likely hurt her feelings more than you sitting down with her and being honest about what you want.

I agree with this.  I think things will get more complicated if you make convoluted plans in attempt to deceive her.  Just be honest....its hard in this situation but its also YOUR experience and you shouldn't have to change things because of your mom. 

She's already being somewhat deceptive though by telling everyone they don't know the sex when in fact they do/will.  I'm not saying that's a bad thing necessarily.  Just pointing out that they are sort of already deceiving her (and others) anyway.

KateCollins11

I guess i don't quite understand why you think it's best to lie to everyone about finding out. Why don't you just tell everyone that you are finding about but you aren't telling anyone.... It's something you want to keep between you and your husband and there isn't anything wrong with that. Lots of people do that.

StefB28

sarajean5682:

*HoneydewChestnut*:

I really think the best idea is to tell her you want this to be between you and YH.  Lying about it would most likely hurt her feelings more than you sitting down with her and being honest about what you want.

 Easier said than done.  Like I said in my original post I just don't think I can tell her she can't come along.  I think I'm going to take pp's suggestion and have them write it down.  I'll tell my mom we want to open the envelope after the baby is born.  I actually have a couple of friends that really did do that.   

Why would you open the envelope after the baby is born? Doesn't make any sense. (You'll already know the sex then.)

b.heather

My mom asked to come to the u/s and we said yes. It really changed the expereince for us - she talked the whole time. The bigger issue though was that my MIL was really, really hurt that we let me mom come but did not invite her. She is the type who would never ask because she'd feel like it was an intrusion, but she was still really hurt. Luckily we needed another u/s so we could invite her mend that relationship, but I felt like a total a** for not even considering how she'd feel if my mom came and not her.

As for lying about not knowing the gender, why not just tell people you're doing the reveal AT the shower! That way you get neutral gifts and you don't have to lie.  

pghjen

I would tell her that you and your husband want to share this moment alone and that she can come to another appointment.  The only three people that need to be there are you, your DH and the DR.  It's not a party, it's an ultrasound.  I also don't understand not being able to tell your mom it's not that you don't want her there, it's that this is a moment for you and your DH to share.  My parents are wonderful and have done a lot for me, but I wouldn't want them at such a personal moment.  And I don't think they have the right to expect to be there just because they have done a lot for me.

lmobley311

I think that have a heart to heart with mom is your best bet for not hurting her feelings.  Most of our moms did not have u/s because they didn't do that 30 years ago as part of regular prenatal care and I wouldn't even think of inviting my mom to an u/s.  She can see all the pics she wants when I see her next and I often call and give her a play by play afterward.  DH even makes videos on his cell phone and my parents love seeing them and hearing the heartbeat.  My mom and I are overly close to the point that it can be annoying to DH so I understand you not wanting to tell her no.  This is something that requires some backbone though if that is what you really want for you and your husband.  I already told my mom that she wasn't coming in the delivery room and she said she wouldn't dream of taking that moment away from me and my husband.  I'm sure your mom will understand.  Just have your hubby break out the cell phone camera and take some quick footage so she sees you happy looking at the screen.  Thats what she wants anyway!

peanutboogie

KateCollins11:

I guess i don't quite understand why you think it's best to lie to everyone about finding out. Why don't you just tell everyone that you are finding about but you aren't telling anyone.... It's something you want to keep between you and your husband and there isn't anything wrong with that. Lots of people do that.

I agree. 

sarajean5682

I'm going to reply to all pp's in one.  I'll start by saying I respect all of your opinions even if I disagree with many of them. 

We are not making any "convoluted plans" to lie to or deceive anyone.  It's our child and we don't feel the need to tell anyone else the gender.  If we tell everyone we know the gender but we're not telling, all we'll get is pestering about revealing the gender.  We don't want to deal with it.

We are bringing an envelope with us the the u/s and asking the tech to write it down and seal it.  I'm not calling ahead of time.  I have several friends and coworkers who did this.  They were unsure if they wanted to know or they were having a gender reveal party or they wanted to open the envelope in private and have a special moment to themselves.  Some never opened the envelope until after the baby was born.  The point of opening it after the baby is born is just to check if the u/s was correct.

In all the informational packets the hospital gave us at our first visit it is specifically stated, in bold lettering, no cell phones, camera's or video allowed at the u/s.  The u/s company will give us pictures and a video if we want....at a price.  They give 3 black and white pictures for free anything above and beyond you have to pay for.  

Ultimately we have decided to have my mom come along and have the tech seal the gender in an envelope.  It's very important to my mom and hence important to me. We will ask MIL but she is the chief of staff and a medical facility (2 hours away) and it's highly unlikely she'll be able to make it.  

Thank you all for your opinions.  I appreciate all the help everyone is willing to give.  Given the information you had it was all very fair advice.