Would you make this job/life change? (LOOOOOONG)
redshoegirl
member
I'm jumping the gun a bit with this post as he doesn't actually have the offer yet - however, he's been told to expect one, and we know the $ range that they're offering, so I'm posting this to make sure that we've thought of all possible benefits and downsides to this kind of transition. That way he can accept without reservations when the actual offer comes in or gracefully bow out.
* * * * *
Pretend for a moment that you are in the following situation:
You and your husband both work in government jobs at the same university. The jobs aren?t the highest paid in your fields, but are VERY secure with unusually high retirement contributions.
Your husband enjoys his job, although he wishes it was a bit more challenging. It?s possible that he could continue to progress in his workplace, but most of the people there are lifers so it could be a long time (10 years? Longer?) before that happens ? however, in the meantime, he is generally content with his job.
You, on the other hand, HATE yours. It?s in a field you love, but the workplace itself is awful: very nepotistic, very petty, and management is staffed with people who are largely incompetent ? your supervisor routinely asks you what to do about a situation or task because he literally doesn?t know how to do his job. It is highly unlikely that you will be able to progress within your department, mostly due to the overt favoritism mentioned previously. There are very, very few opportunities in your field where you live so it?s unlikely that you?d be able to change jobs within your field any time in the foreseeable future. Therefore you consider your career pretty much dead in the water.
Your husband has a job offer that would involve a significant pay rise, approximately doubling his salary. He would enjoy the new job, and it would offer more challenges for him, but the primary reason he?d change would be to help you escape your work situation. This would also involve leaving the security of his (and your) current job, but it would come with many financial benefits (the company also offers a very attractive bonus structure and other benefits such as subsidizing housing costs).
More details:
* You would have to relocate about 2.5 hours (costs paid for by the company) from where you live to an even more remote area (pop. around 15,000). You?re not worried about entertaining yourself, but aside from a park, there wouldn?t be much to take your kids to see.
* For practical reasons, your husband would relocate first and you and your LOs would stay behind for about 3 months ? he would come back every weekend until everyone was moved. You would probably rent out your home, not sell it.
* It?s likely that you would need to abandon your chosen career path, at least for several years (how easy it would be to re-enter the field would largely depend on where you moved after that). However, you are not a super career oriented person ? although you enjoy it when you like your job, you?re not highly ambitious and don?t necessarily need to find fulfillment in it. You would likely be just as happy working a generic-type job as long as you had hobbies to give you an outlet for your interests. And even if you stayed where you currently live, it's likely that you would step out of your career anyway, just to escape the toxic work environment.
* In a town that size, it may take some time for you to find a job. Or, given your husband?s higher wage and a lower cost of living, you could elect to only work part-time or be a SAHM if you desired. You working would allow your family to be very comfortable financially and that?s probably what you?d prefer to do, but it wouldn?t be the end of the world if you didn?t want to or couldn?t get a job.
* Assuming you returned to work, you would need to find a daycare for your LOs ? this could be easy or difficult, there?s no way to know at the moment. There are a few centers there, but you don?t know what the situation is like with vacant places. They love their current daycare so the idea of taking them from it gives you a bit of a pang.
* Related to the daycare point - you would be moving away from your ILs, who love your kids and provide part time daycare (along with being available to babysit pretty much any time you ask).
* The prospective company is a very large multinational organization, which means that if your family wants to relocate overseas at some point, it?s possible that you could stay within the same company and they would take care of relocation costs, visas, etc. (They do this relatively frequently, so it?s not a totally unrealistic consideration, although of course it's not a sure thing either.)
[Poll]
Re: Would you make this job/life change? (LOOOOOONG)
I voted no, but really my answer is more like maybe( probably depending on my mood....I'm answering based on my current mood tonight). I keep thinking about what MH often says lately, that is he somehow could know that our life/his job would never change in a major way (get fired/huge promotion, big pay cut/big pay raise, etc.) either good or bad, but things would be secure, he'd take that deal, even thought he doesn't necessarily love his job, but he doesn't hate it either. Of course, he fears change more than I do, so I don't always agree, but I'm starting to see his point. With children, stability is important to me. That said, though, of course with more money also comes a certain level of stability. I guess I'm just to the point in my life that relocating would need to have much more benefits that just more money. Relocating a family is difficult. Now if you reeeeallly wanted to be a SAHM, then I might be more inclined to say yes. But relocating just for more money, and you might not be able to work even if you might want to, I'm not so sure. And I also am currently craving living nearer to my (of his for that matter) family, so any relocation we did would have to be closer, not further away. I don't think people who live near their families sometimes realize how difficult it is when you don't have any family near you. I also grew up in a town of about 10,000, and I couldn't wait to get out of there. While yes, in many ways a small town is a great place to raise a family, I also think about how many opportunities I did not have as a kid. And drugs and teen sex was rampant since "there's nothing better to do." I'm not saying that's every small town, or that it would be like that where you might move, but I'm really glad to be near museums, concerts, gardens, festivals, etc to expose my son to.
Blah. I hope that's enough rambling for you! :P I don't even know if I'm making any sense to myself, let alone to you or anyone else, but like I said, this is my mood at the moment after reading your possible situation.
These are exactly the reasons I'm hesitating. I waver about the SAHM thing - some days I think I'd love it, others I think it would make me crazy.
I'm glad we have such stable jobs (although I'll be leaving mine one way or another - it's a matter of when, not if), because like you, now that we have a family it's something that is important to me.
As far as raising the kids in the small town goes, that probably wouldn't happen. We would be looking at this as a short term move (5 years?) - after that we'd relocate again so that our kids could go to school in a different area. I'm not terribly concerned about employment after that period of time, because working for this company would make Ben even more marketable and desirable as an employee. As for my own career prospects, I don't think it would make much difference one way or the other.
I think you might get a wide range of answers here but that's where I think the reasoning is important to take into consideration, so here's mine
I voted yes but mainly because (1) MH loves sort of middle-of-nowhere places to live where it's safer, quieter, more space for the kids to run so more remote is a "bonus" (2) as B is getting more interactive, it's harder for me to work/focus on work and I'm also not superbly career-oriented--although I used to be--but I'm really craving to be a SAHM more and more (3) even though living near family is nice, I don't like being super close in proximity and 2-2.5hrs away is a pretty good distance, IMO. But I personally think the 3mos living separately/commuting back-and-forth kinda sucks and that's actually my main reason for leaning a bit more towards no.
Tough decision though! I know you'll have to be weighing in issues that matter more to you & Ben and it would be quite a big move! GL!
I said Hell to the Yes! I know how miserable you've been in your current job. And life is too short to be miserable, especially 40-50 hours each week. It's an energy drain. You've mentioned this would be relatively short-term...5 years...which aligns perfectly with being able to be a SAHM to the boys before they're ready for school (thus eliminating your daycare issues if you move). Plus B will gain an opportunity for growth that will also set the wheels in motion for you two to possible move stateside (I am reading into the "relocation" thing, but assume US could be an option) which I know you've mentioned as one of your goals in the past.
The fact that they pay to relocate you all is fantastic as is the added challenge AND income for B. Yes, the immediate transition would suck (him being away during the week for 3 months), but in the long run, I don't think you should give up this AMAZING opportunity for your family based on the fears and "what ifs" that come with change. You're an incredible smart, talented and creative person with very marketable graphic design and computer design skills. Even in a small town, i cannot imagine that you wouldn't be able to do some freelance work from home, online. You might even be able to start a small business, if you wanted. Who knows where this could lead? Designing blogs for people, paper goods, and Etsy store, you never know!
Also, I know you started you grad degree in your chosen field. So I assume you would abandon that, at least for now. You may, in time, decide to finish it elsewhere, online or do something else completely. With eBooks taking hold in the market, there's a whole new world out there and I am sure it's affecting your field.
At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for your and B and that will be what's best for W&D. From my understanding your ILs are retired or semi-retired...I am sure you can meet half-way for visits or they can come to you. And if you're SAH you can certainly take the boys to them and then visit with your friends back in town, check on your rental house, etc.
I say GO FOR IT! You really have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain. It's a leap of faith, but you and B are smart, responsible people and it will be just FINE and right for you...all FOUR of you!
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Hmmmmm....now I'm thinking more yes, based on this. Also, from the way you speak about it, I get the impression that you are scared of it, but deep down you really want to do it. If that's the case, go for it!
I said yes, too. I agree with everything that Lori said... I feel like if it is only 4-5 years then you can live anywhere and do anything for that period of time. and like njswimmer pointed out, moving w/kids isn't as big of a deal right now as it is when they are older. they will "miss" their daycare friends but not for long, i don't think.
i think things would work themselves out. i remember when you were super concerned about what daycare the boys would go to b/c there were long wait lists everywhere...but you got into one
i think even if you don't find one you like in this small town at least you have the option of being a SAHM to watch them. sure you may not see yourself as a SAHM type but if it's only short term then I am sure you can find ways to enjoy it 
living away from family is hard. I would love to be able to drop Miss A off at the grandparents' house whenever we wanted to do something but we don't have that luxury. we make do though and once you find a good friend or babysitter then you can go do stuff, it's just not nearly as convenient. but lots of people live away from family and are still happy
it sounds like there are lots of great advantages to making this job decision and like I said, I feel like even though I wouldn't prefer to live in such a small town, I could definitely do it for a few years. if you were talking about moving somewhere forever then that would be a different story...but we're just talking a few years. the 3 month transition w/o Ben would be difficult but I think it would be worth it, esp if you get to leave a job you hate.
I guess the only hesitation I would have is the job security and retirement payout.... but on the flipside if he is doubling his salary then you could easily put away more each month towards retirement.
good luck, i know you'll make the right choice for your family, whatever that is
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
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I voted yes as well. I agree with a lot of the points that Lori made. No matter what we vote, I'm sure you will make the decision that's best for you and your family.
It's funny, because we were facing a similar decision earlier this month. I interviewed for a job that would move us to a small town about 2 hours from here. DH was going to leave his job and basically start over. He has been unhappy with some changes his company has made, and it was the perfect opportunity for a new start. We spent a lot of time going over the pros and cons of the move. I had a lot of the same concerns that you have: switching to less secure but more lucrative situation, small town, uncertainty of what DH would do, childcare. After a lot of discussion, we decided that we would make the move if I got the offer. We were going to give it 5 years and move back if we weren't happy. I didn't end up getting the position, and, although I'm excited about the job I did land, part of me is sad that we won't have that adventure.
Good luck with your decision!
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Thanks so much for your thoughts, everyone! I think this probably sums up how I've been feeling:
I think it's such a (potentially) great opportunity...I guess I'm just scared that we'll make some kind of crazy move and screw everything up lol!
Yeah, ideally the move would be to the USA...but I don't want to make that the uber-definite plan just in case the timing is bad, kwim? But that would certainly be the loose plan.
I'm uncertain about the degree - I keep going back and forward on this. We've decided that if the offer is good and if we move (lol a lot of "if" there, eh?), both Ben and I would prefer it if I worked - however, if daycare is a PITA then I'll stay home and not actively job search until we can get places for the boys. So my thinking on the degree is this: if daycare is easy to get and I get a job quickly, it probably won't be related to my field of study and I would stop working on the degree for the time being. However, if I SAH, then I would probably continue studying, simply so that in however many years I rejoin the workforce, I could say that I spent that downtime at home, but also getting my Masters degree (and thus hopefully be a more attractive candidate). Does that sound reasonable to you? I'm not sure if it's a dorky idea or not.
Probably not. We did consider it, but there are some financial goals we'd like to meet - like beefing up our efund considerably in case anything went wrong with the rental (terrible tenants bashing holes in the wall or something) - and me working for those months would achieve that, even though we'd have to keep spending $ on daycare. But 3 months is a long estimate - I think it'll take a bit less than that, I just wanted to err on the side of caution and assume the lengthiest period of separation. And if work got REALLY bad, I could probably just throw my hands up and quit anyway.
This is a good point! I guess I hadn't thought about it like this. Yes it would be nice to live somewhere that I could take them to a zoo (not that I can do that here anyway lol) or a museum, but that's really more for when they're older anyway.
I don't think I'd hate being a SAHM - I think mostly I'd just worry that I wouldn't be socializing them enough or something.
Hopefully there would be a mother's group that I could join, if that was the case.
I agree that I wouldn't want to do this move forever - but like you, I can also look at it and go, "Well, it's only for a few years." And the same thing with the transition period - it would absolutely suck, but it wouldn't be forever, and keeping my eye on the prize would help get through it.
Yeah, we'd definitely look at increasing his retirement contributions (and if I SAH, then contributing for me as well). They're not bad at the place he would be working, just not as unusually high as they are where we are right now (which is 17%).
Thanks again for your thoughts everyone - I REALLY appreciate it!
I think if he gets a good offer - we know he will get one, we just don't know what it will be (if it's way lower than we expect this could all be moot anyway lol!) - then we'll go for it. Eeeeek!
LOL don't worry about it! It's really good to read ALL opinions.
And I could totally understand in your original post about how it would be hard to move away from family - I guess for me, I live half a planet away from my family already, and Ben lived half a continent away from his for a long time, so moving 2.5 hours away isn't a huge deal. But if you're used to being right.there with each other, then it would be a LOT harder.