How to help older "sibling" have some space?

m_and_m

So DD is 3.5, Zee is 2.5.

He is up in her grill all. the. time. If she tries to go into another room, or god forbid play with another kid he quickly goes from being mildly upset to being full on freaked out crying because "want to be with best friend Hadley!". We say she's his woobie, but it's heartbreaking. Some of you have probably seen a (very) mild version of this at playdates.

Granted, they're only together from 8:30-6 M-F but so they're not really siblings but I figure for this particular issue it's more or less the same. He's in our house, so she has to share pretty much everything with him- her toys, her dishes, her bedroom (he either naps there, my bed, or in the car), her mommy....

I've tried to tell them both since the beginning that they don't *have* to play with each other, if they don't like what the other is doing then they can go somewhere else, they can say no to requests, etc. H is pretty good with it and will say she wants to be alone, or wants to be away from Zee, play with somebody else, etc. The problem is he will follow her, scream, kick, basically throw an epic tantrum if I try to distract him with something else or keep him from her in any way. I should add that letting him do this inevitably spirals into him having an emotional shutdown that can last for a VERY long time, depending on other factors not in my control. Basically, he does NOT recover for the rest of the day.

So I guess my question is two-part. 

1) How to you help the one get some personal space? 

2) How do you help the other gain some autonomy and be less reliant? I also want to teach him to respect other people's needs.

misjenn

When Em needs space, I seperate them. I let Em go up to her room and tell Linc it's alone time. I think it is equally important to teach independent play as it is to teach sharing. Maybe rotate days letting them help you with lunch while the other one does a puzzle, colors, watches Nick Jr. If H needs space then she deserves it or she is going to become intolerant of T and easily irritated. I would just set an hour a day for alone play.

kiarox2002

I am eagerly awaiting responses.  Kate adores Abby.  90% of the time, Abby is totally cool with this and they play great.  Sometimes she, understandably, gets tired of Kate following her around though.  It's especially tough if Abby wants to work on a puzzle or something and Kate wants to "help" but she's really a bit to young for it.  

I've found that it helps to sit Abby down at the kitchen table with whatever toy/ puzzle she wants to play with so that Kate can't reach it.  Kate is fairly easily distracted though so I'm not sure how to address that part of the equation.  I've also had success setting Kate up in her learning tower with some stickers or a snack or something if Abby wants to play with something in the living room.  If this is not working, I strap the babies in their high chairs and we all 3 do an art project at the table.  Kate can still be with Abby, but she's not trying to crawl in her lap or give her hugs or stick things in her pockets.

m_and_m

Yeah, that's the thing- he won't tolerate it, period. He completely melts down and does not recover until he goes home.

She has no problem trying to find her own space, whether it's just a different part of the room or the other side of the house. I get the sense that she feels "smothered" a big part of the time.

misjenn

m_and_m:

Yeah, that's the thing- he won't tolerate it, period. He completely melts down and does not recover until he goes home.

She has no problem trying to find her own space, whether it's just a different part of the room or the other side of the house. I get the sense that she feels "smothered" a big part of the time.

Maybe she could have an art class or some other thing that is just for her. Something she can call her own. But really I know T loves H but he does have to eventually learn boundaries and that  H needs some alone time. Maybe start the time small like 10 minutes alone and gradually work the time up. Would he go for it if say he was doing bubbles while H did art or read books in her room?

ali-1411

Do you think that Zee needs his own space?  It sounds like Hadley is okay with the situation, just annoyed.  Zee is the one with the problem, who can't recover.  He's the outsider, its not his house or his parents.  Its not his toys.  Maybe if he had his own special place in the house, his own personal toys, his own things to do then he wouldn't be so needy with H?

I'm just trying to think of how to get him happy on his own, and then H will have some space.  Rather than trying to solve the problem backwards and let H have an escape.

I don't know how to do that, though.  Both my kids have been wildly independent and I have no idea how or why.  I just go with it

kiarox2002

ali-1411:

Do you think that Zee needs his own space?  It sounds like Hadley is okay with the situation, just annoyed.  Zee is the one with the problem, who can't recover.  He's the outsider, its not his house or his parents.  Its not his toys.  Maybe if he had his own special place in the house, his own personal toys, his own things to do then he wouldn't be so needy with H?

I'm just trying to think of how to get him happy on his own, and then H will have some space.  Rather than trying to solve the problem backwards and let H have an escape.

I don't know how to do that, though.  Both my kids have been wildly independent and I have no idea how or why.  I just go with it

This is what I was thinking too.  Maybe find some special one on one activity that Zee wants to do with you while Baby naps?  Kate's really big on a giant pot of uncooked rice with "buried treasures" (teeny toys) in it.  She likes to move it from pot to bowl with a spoon.  You and Zee could do that while H chilled.  Or playdoh?  I don't know.  What does he like to do?  I realize that might be hard because then maybe H doesn't want to miss the activity.  Not sure what to do about that.