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Northern California Babies
If you've had parent/in law issues please come in
uggg! I can't take this crap anymore!!
I know I have been MIA for a while and to be honest the situation with MIL has really gotten me down. I have lost interest in a lot of things and my school work and business is suffering. To make matters worse, I was really trying hard to come off my anti-depressants and it is not helping. I think I need to get back on them.
For those of you who haven't read my story.... basically MIL has been putting down DH for the last 30+ years. Recently, DH decided to cut ties with MIL as it has just become too much. He worked hard on getting past the issues, however, it does take 2 and he was working alone.
So about 1.5 months ago. DH stopped talking to his mom (after a lot of her nastiness and negativity). With that we decided that LO was part of the package.
Well, word has gone around to the family and needless to say we have gotten an ear full. Of course the word that has gone around is MIL's side of the story. We know we have made the decision that is right for our family.
I know some of you have gone through similar. How have you dealt with it? How do you explain to LO what is going on? LO is still too young to understand what is happening, but she'll eventually catch on.
I.am.t.i.e.r.d!! This is taking a huge toll on me, fortunately it has made DH and I stronger. Personally, I am not use to this. My mother would never treat me as MIL has. My heart has broken.
Thank you for reading this far.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If you've had parent/in law issues please come in
I am sorry you are going through this.
I can give you my perspective of what we (DH & I) have gone through with my MIL that it can take a novel to write about her.
Feel free to email me at
abramos at jewelsthecat dot com
stick to your guts. and if they try to give you guilt say "it's between she and my husband. I support him and we are trying to protect our child."
because it is none of their business, regardless of how much they think it is.
good luck!
(and the no-contact part gets easier, promise.)
I cut off communication with my father nearly 20 years ago, and I know all too well that it isn't easy to deal with other family members.
I have found that it is best to keep it as simple as possible - no mud slinging, name-calling or explanations as these usually just lead the other family member to come to the defense of the "wronged party" (your MIL). Honestly, I never really cared why my father did the things he did/made the choices he made, I just cared that I took care of myself and walked away from it. I know he was working on other family members to talk to me and get me to come around and as far as I was concerned that was even crappier than all the stuff before since he was dragging others into our personal business and putting them in the middle.
That said, it still isn't easy even after all this time. Be strong, continue to do what is right to protect your family, and try not to let her get the best of you in this new and more devious way.
I cut my father out of my life about 8 yrs ago, it wasn't easy nor is it easy now but it gets a lot better. I will be honest and say that cutting my father out of my life also means I have lost contact with his side of the family (my parents are divorced). They couldn't keep out of the middle of it and it strained my relationship with everyone. I chose to just cut my loses and move on with my life and my family of choice.
My advice on what to tell others is that it is personal and that you are supporting your husband. I think if you add anything about protecting your LO that you are going to get a lot of backlash. After all it isn't like they see what you see and she isn't hitting or beating your LO so most people won't see it as abuse or even harmful.
Time makes it a lot easier. Some holidays are hard Father's day, his birthday, and Easter are the hardest, others like my Birthday or Chirstmas are much easier. Maybe I am just cold and heartless but while sometimes it is very hard and there were lots of tears in the beginning, it is a lot easier now. It doesn't even come up most months and when it does I am so used to it that it doesn't toll on me the way it used to.
When it comes to Riley, I am so glad I did all of this pre-him. I think emotionally it would be a lot harder with a child in the middle of it. When he gets older my plan is to tell him that he can meet my father when he turns 18. I will give him his name, phone number whatever he wants and support his choice but first he is going to sit through my side of everything. I plan on not sparing him any of the really bad stuff. I am hopeful though that since he already has 4 doating grandparents it won't be an issue for him, or that my father will be deceased by then (like I said I am cold and heartless).
I went to therapy for mine. I had issues with boundaries and MIL pushing it. When it came to therapy, there was one analogy that I could related to.
Have you ever been through water/first aid or life guard training? If not, they say if you see a person drowning that you swim out to them, ask them to stay calm and then start hauling them in. If they start to panic and thrash around, they can go as far as to put the rescuer in a position of drowning too.
So how does this relate? If you put yourself out there, set down reasonable boundaries and the other person goes out of their way to undermine those boundaries, they are creating a situation of exhaustion for the person making the effort and they start to drown in the drama. Sound familiar? For me it was. For your DH it was him working at it alone.
So what do you do? Set up a boundary with a reward system. Respect us and we'll meet you at the park for lunch. That goes well, we'll make it a dinner out. That goes well, you'll escalate to a family get together. Violate any of those and you start back from square one. Also be consistent with no exceptions.
Can anyone get on your case for this? No... it's a cause and effect scenario. MIL shows respect, MIL stays involved. How is anyone in the family going to debate that? If you simplify it to this level, next time MIL complains, they'll know that she is being lazy and not making the effort.
As far as how you are feeling..... back to the lifeguard analogy. They also teach you to let go of someone who is thrashing you and drowning you. Sometimes when you are struggling, you have to save yourself first. It is absolutely normal to take a break from the situation and regain your strength. Hey, MIL's and toddlers have something in common. Sometimes they need a good time out to get the message.
I've had my own situation with MIL for year and with the kids, it compounded it 10x worse. Using this method has really worked. We still have drama every now and then but it is a WHOLE lot better than it use to be.
Ladies,
Thank you so much! It sucks that any of us have to experience it. I will take all your advice and let DH know what "the nesties" said. I appreciate all your advice so much!!
I think this is the best advice ever^^^
I've completely cut out my "family" from my life. Best thing I ever did. I'm sure the word has spread about me being pregnant, but I could care less at this point. I just need to focus on my own family and my pregnancy. Luckily, I have great ILs. They're pretty much what I wish my parents were.
You gotta not worry what others have to say about it and stand your ground.