S/O: Non clicky poll. Did your mom make herself a priority?

veloelle

I wonder how many of us are emulating our moms, or if putting ourselves last is something of the times and having to appear to be all and do all.

My mom didn't do obvious things to put herself first, but she always took care of herself. She had a decent, modern wardrobe, always had a haircut/color, always did her makeup, and would go to dinner w/ friends on occasion. Our (her) family car was a Camero, and yes, that was the road trip car. She wasn't one to ever do the sedan/station wagon thing just because she had kids. She and my dad also did date nights and weekends away, we'd stay w/ my grandparents. I know she gave up a lot for our private elem/HS education, but she never looked it.

So, did your mom make herself a priority? If she did/didn't, did you recognize that in yourself?

mlc92404

This is a very good observation and I never thought about it this way.  No, my mom did not make herself a priority.  My parents never went anywhere w/o my sister and I.  My mom would get her hair or nails done when we got older but her wardrobe always suffered because she would rather buy for us (I kind of understand this cause I'm that way now).  My parents didnt start doing stuff with friends until my sister and I were adults.  Even now, the only thing my mom does for herself is occasional hair appts and nail appts.  She likes to read so I guess she does that too.  But never anything just her.  I totally see myself like this.......except we have gone on vacation w/o the kids and plan to do it again (as long as I dont get too much grief from her since I need her to help out with the kids while we are gone....I dont think she fully agrees with us vacationing w/o the kids)

j-w

Yes, she did and does.  But, both of  my parents have always made themselves priorities.  There is an awesome balance in my family that still exists today and now encompasses my sister and I (and our families) as adults.  We all recognize the importance and value of taking care of ourselves and are really a small community, where we help each other out in achieving that. 

justEK

Actually, my mom died of cancer in 2006. Right before she died, she made me promise to take care of myself first.She never ever took care of herself. Her wants or needs.

Whenever I have a hard time doing anything for myself, DH will say, "Don't forget what you promised your mom."

firefightersgal

My mom didn't have the time or money to make herself a priority when my brother and I were kids.  She does now.

Jodi&Joe

My mother made herself a priority to a fault.

Sadly, I don't think I'm following to far behind in her footsteps.

docmay25

Not until I was out of high school.  As a child my mom worked full time, then ran around on the weekends either cleaning or doing family stuff.  She was very family oriented.  She went above and beyond to do things for us. She was a perfectionist about everything from the house to the kids.I am the same as her. I appreciated her then...but even more now that I know how hard it must have been for her.

Once we got out of high school she had this total transformation.  She still busts her butt to do everything for her children and grandchildren.  But she got a new hairstyle, started highlighting her hair and getting pedicures for the first time in her life.

LeoChic

hmmmmm.....well if laying in bed all day is making herself a priority, then she did a pretty good job of it.

Honestly, my mom was never big on having the most up-to-date wardrobe and hair-do's.  She never seemed to care that she shopped at consignment stores and would only cut her hair herself.  Even today, with grown kids and more disposable income, she does those things.  She also never seemed to care about working out.  She was a SAHM and never really complained about it but didn't seem to enjoy it either.

I'm kind of similar.  While I do care about my wardrobe, hair, and working out, I don't particularly enjoy being a SAHM.  I do spend a lot of time (too much time) on the computer and I'm pretty sure that I'm substituting the laying in bed aspect of my childhood with the computer (if that makes sense).

I never really thought about it like this though.  This post has me wrapping my brain around it quite a bit...... 

Disneygeek77

Except for some financially difficult years, yes my mom made herself a priority. She bought new clothes, got her hair done, went on dates with my dad and they even had a few short vacations together too.  Not too bad overall.

We plan on doing something similar.  The only time we might do everything for the kids would be around Christmas.  If we are financially strapped, I don't care what I get as long as there are presents under that tree for the kids. 

FloF9

Good post.

No my mother never made herself a priority. She never wore make up and was pretty heavy for almost all her adult life.  For whatever reason she felt that these kind of things were frivolous and not "Godly".  I know I know - it sounds odd.  Growing up our code name for her was "The Amish".  no joke.

She gave her heart and soul to the family. She never had girlfriends or went anywhere on her own unless it was like a doctor visit or work.  

I have a problem making myself a priority.  I tend to "lose myself" to my kids and husband  - my husband encourages me to go out and get a break from everything every now and then. 

 

BostonGayGal

Yes, but it wasn't about hair cuts and clothing for her.  She ran a quilting group, played in a weekly tennis club, went to cooking and aerobics classes, and gardened. She threw herself into coaching/teaching and such for her four kids, but both of my parents were really good at balancing their own hobbies and time with each other so that all of the bases were covered.

Years later I found out that my dad had been offered EIGHT promotions that he turned down because he promised my mother that he would never get home later than 6:00 (which made for a 10.5 hour work day).

My parents were also really good at putting each other first. If we ran out to see my dad when he got home we could grab a hug and a kiss, but if he walked into the room he would go directly to my mother and enthusiastically hug and kiss her (we used to say 'ewwww get your tongue out of her mouth when we were in middle school', but it was a constant visual of how much they loved (and continue to love) each other. Then we would get our hugs.

I mention both of my parents because I think it is hard for a mother to put herself first if her husband doesn't support her. 

Jermysgirl

In some ways she did and in others she didn't.  We always had the new clothes and shoes and she didn't, but she put herself first in other ways.  I remember needing help more than once and if it didn't fit into her schedule, she wasn't interested.  She also left us to our own devices when it came to spending time with her boyfriend.

I'm pretty much the opposite of my mother in most ways.  She wasn't a very good parent.

shopgirl78

Yes but much more after we were grown.  I think money was tight back then but she did what she could.  Her & my dad went on dates, parties, etc.  She had new clothes sometimes.  She did get a Associates degree  when I was in Jr high.   Now that $ isn't an issue, she does a lot more!

Jodi&Joe

BostonGayGal:

Yes, but it wasn't about hair cuts and clothing for her.  She ran a quilting group, played in a weekly tennis club, went to cooking and aerobics classes, and gardened. She threw herself into coaching/teaching and such for her four kids, but both of my parents were really good at balancing their own hobbies and time with each other so that all of the bases were covered.

Years later I found out that my dad had been offered EIGHT promotions that he turned down because he promised my mother that he would never get home later than 6:00 (which made for a 10.5 hour work day).

My parents were also really good at putting each other first. If we ran out to see my dad when he got home we could grab a hug and a kiss, but if he walked into the room he would go directly to my mother and enthusiastically hug and kiss her (we used to say 'ewwww get your tongue out of her mouth when we were in middle school', but it was a constant visual of how much they loved (and continue to love) each other. Then we would get our hugs.

I mention both of my parents because I think it is hard for a mother to put herself first if her husband doesn't support her. 

This makes me feel so much better about tongueing my husband in front of my kids!  LOL

But seriously, what a great post! You should share this with them, if you haven't already.  I'm sure they would love to hear it.  It gives me the warm fuzzies! 

JOEBunny

My mom always had interest and friends she saw regularly.  After we started school she volunteered with causes she believed in, not just our schools and  scouts.   She also got a couple of licenses and degrees over the year, like a degree in interior design, a catering certification and license, a real estate license, and a radio operating license, she already had a master's degree.  She just did those things for fun. 

In general, my parents put themselves first on weekend, though they usually included us.   They are very good parents IMO.  I had a pretty great childhood and they always seemed pretty happy, except for a few years when my dad was having to liquidate the company he worked for.  I hope to do as good of a job with my kids.  

BubblyToes

Oh yeah, it is and always has been ALL about her. Her needs were met first, then ours.

While I consider myself tobe very high maintenance, I do not do it at thecexpense of my child.

angelproberts

I love this post. Very thought provoking. I think my mom had a great balance. She used to do tons without me but she also did tons with me. She did vacations on her own with her friends and she also did "family vacations" with 2 of her other single mom friends. I had a great childhood.

 My dad is all together a different story. He did what he wanted for himself. He lived many places while I was a child but my mom and I always lived in the same city. 

My parents had and still have a strange relationship and it works for them. With that said I am definitely a product of their relationship.

I do have a problem putting myself first, as a teacher I would often buy items for my class before buying myself things or pampering myself. Just as I was learning to do for myself I got KU. Now I do mostly for DD and every now and then I'll treat myself. I hope to have the balance my mom had. 

camrude

We did not have a lot of money growing up- so when it came to clothes, music lessons, extras, etc. we came first. However, my mom did work out, was very active in the church and the community, went out with her friends, etc.

Actually, I feel like she made herself more of a priority back then than she does now.

kertybird

Yes!  She has always taken care of herself...girls weekends, facials, wardrobe.  My mom isn't prissy or high maintenance, but always took a lot of pride in her appearance.  She was also in management for an insurance company, until she started working from home.  I am just like my mom...not high maintenance but I like to take care of myself .

Carol*Brady2

When she had 1-3 kids & lived in WY, somewhat--she had friends, activities & was happy.  We moved to IL & they had 2 more kids 9mo apart at the same time...and now had her parents nearby & a huge old mess of a house (she fixed up) & she freaking hated it--hated IL, hated the town we lived in, hated the people there & honestly she grew to hate my Dad.  She worked like a dog in that house (she's a perfectionist housekeeper & could have give Martha a run in terms of gardening, decor, crafting, etc), being a super parent to her 5 kids, later working full-time (Special Ed teacher) & just generally not doing a damn thing for herself.  She threw herself into us having a perfect childhood & we never did without a thing.  This is what I mostly remember about her as a kid.  Eventually she was about to loose her freaking mind & kind of on a whim--bought a tiny cabin in WY when on a vacation (with 4 of us kids) by herself.  She informed my father & only got a loan because it was contract for deed from the owner.  She did that for herself, her sanity, her spirit, in essence her life.  So from that summer on she'd pack up 3-4 of us kids (the younger ones that wanted to go) & we'd spend the entire summer at this tiny cabin.  Sometimes she'd even work there too (in a summer program).  My father rarely came & if he did it was for a week.  So she did that for herself, but clearly she took most of her obligations with her (us kids) & was a single Mom 3mo a year.  So by the time we were grown her body was shot...she's had knee replacement, back surgery & is in terrible physical health now.  She's still working full-time as a SE teacher in a inner city HS at almost 70yrs old.  She still does everything around the house while my Dad sits & watches TV all.day.long.  She begs & begs me to not be like her...to "take care of myself" but I really struggle to not repeat her mistakes.  I am not the housekeeper or mother she is--but I still put my kids first, feel guilty when doing something/buying something for myself.  I do not take care of my health--I have a few health problems & a weight problem.  And I see in a lot of ways, my DH is very similar to my Dad...better, though we are only married almost 8yrs now.  My parents had a decent relationship for about 12yrs...the past 30 (most of my life) it's been pretty terrible.  I don't want to repeat that & am scared sh*tless that I/we will.... 

MayorMcCheese000

BubblyToes:

Oh yeah, it is and always has been ALL about her. Her needs were met first, then ours.

While I consider myself tobe very high maintenance, I do not do it at the expense of my child.

 This is a lot like my mom (well my post-divorce mom I should say.) My mom has never been cared about hair or fashion or makeup but when we were younger she gave everything to us and totally put her own needs on the back burner.

When she got divorced the whole world suddenly became about her. She felt she had new take on life and her main priority was her own happiness, which is ok except for the fact she still had young children to raise. After the divorce we were just an after-thought that got dragged along from boyfriend to boyfriend in her pursuit of "happiness." While our physical needs were always met, her emotional needs took high priority over our emotional needs. We were kind of just...there.

Combine this with a father that I am pretty sure could actually be the Devil and let's just say us kids are still carrying around some emotional baggage now as adults.

hikerbeth

Yes and no.  She and my Dad did a lot of trips and date nights.  I remember having a bunch of awesome babysitters.  My Dad is a pretty prominant doctor in a small community, so a lot of this was for his practice.

She started staying at home as soon as she got pregnant with me (and I have two younger siblings) and then dabbled in part time work when I was in high school.  She finally started a business doing something she loves (sewing children's clothing) long after we all left the house.

She is a really high-strung, stressed-out person in general.

ohfour

My mom always took care of herself, but she always put my brother and I first for sure. My grandma would get her a gift card for her birthday and she'd end up spending it on us (against our will). She was at every single gymnastics, volleyball, softball, whatever PRACTICE I ever had and I don't ever remember her missing a game, EVER. It's definitely going to be hard to be like her, especially with more than 2 kids.

She pampers herself a lot now that her kids are raised and she's a grandma.

DandelionMom

My mom was good about doing things for herself.  I remember she used to get her nails done pretty regularly, she had a huge group of friends, she belonged to a bowling league, she went to college and graduated when I was in 5th grade.