Come Chat With Me - re: being offended

Two*True

Let's see if I can clearly articulate this in writing....would you be offended (should you be?) if someone else is offended that he/she was perceived as gay?

Example -  you tell Mr.X that when you first met a group of friends, including Mr. X, you thought for sure one of the several males was gay.  You explain that Mr.X seemed as though he could be part of the leather community, based on looks.  You find out later that Mr. X was really offended by this.

Was that fact that he was offended offensive?

After all, you (general you here) are part of the gay community, so if he was offended that someone thought he could be gay doesn't that mean he finds something wrong with being grouped with them?

Does this make sense? I know it's a reach, but it's a senario I've been thinking about.  I mean, if someone said "Gee Mr.X, based on your looks I thought for sure you were a racist" then being offended is appropriate because 'racist' is inherenitally a bad thing.  

I can understand Mr.X's reaction just based on our society and the fact that the LGBT community is still degraded (maybe not the right word) in many ways.  However, if based on all other accounts Mr.X is supportive/open minded/etc, would his offensive surprise you?  Is it enough to warrant believing he has hidden homophobia since he wasn't comfortable with someone saying he looked gay?

(It's a hypothetical situation that occurred to me while traveling the other day.  And since I don't have my DW to bounce these crazy thoughts off of, I'm coming to you all - lol.  Fair warning, I will DD if this becomes nasty in any way because that's not the intention.)

 

ctbride08

Yes and no.

It does smack of the hypocritical but sadly common, "I have no problem with gay people, but thank goodness i'm not."  which is, clearly, offensive.

Or, it might be that the offense was taken because he was judged superficially and stereotyped. 

I get annoyed (maybe offended, but i'm not sure if my feelings are quite that strong) when people assume i'm straight.  I dont like to be stereotyped.  Does that mean i'm straight-phobic?  I dont think so. 

ctbride08

ps - i'm sad that this is hypothetical.  the image of you telling some unassuming straight guy that he looks like a leather man makes me giggle.

ssg73

I agree with ct.  I would want to know what was the offensive part to Mr X.  I don't like being stereotyped either and I would guess that if that is the only part that was offensive to him I would not mind.  Unfortunately I am going to guess that is not the real problem he would have with it and homophobia would be playing a role.

jeannkerricotober09

This happened to me and I have been trying to make sense of it for a few years now!  A guy, who was a really good friend in high school, and I became reacquainted via facebook a few years ago.   He sent me this long email about how happy he was to reconnect with me and how much he has thought about our friendship over the years and wondered how I was doing and told me how happy he was for me, that my life was going so well and congratulated me on my marriage with K (I came out in highschool so this wasn't a surprise).  

In high school he was kind, funny, quiet, quirky, dressed well, all around 'different', and very good looking and never had a girlfriend but only had females as friends.  I figured he was gay - a lot of us did.  In our back and forth, updating each other about our lives, after talking with him about his wife and child, I said something along the lines of 'funny, I kind of thought you might be gay back in high school'  and ohmygoodness he sent back the most scathing email I have ever received.  At first I felt horrible!  I back peddled and tried to explain how it was a compliment, being as he was so different and nice and well dressed and well mannered in high school... the more I fumbled, the angrier he became until he basically said he regretted ever reaching out to me.  

A few days later, I got pissed off.  I mean, how can he send loads of congratulations to me about my life and my wife but be so horribly offended when I said, in a really off handed manner that I though he was gay 10 years ago because he wasn't a typical *** guy in high school.  He ended up sending me another email a week or so later saying 'let's forget about that and try again.. 'hi remember me from high school?' and we have never had closure.

I realized I would never get anywhere explaining myself via email and have never expressed how insulting it was to me that he became so enraged.

Two*True

ctbride08:

Yes and no.

It does smack of the hypocritical but sadly common, "I have no problem with gay people, but thank goodness i'm not."  which is, clearly, offensive.

Or, it might be that the offense was taken because he was judged superficially and stereotyped. 

I get annoyed (maybe offended, but i'm not sure if my feelings are quite that strong) when people assume i'm straight.  I dont like to be stereotyped.  Does that mean i'm straight-phobic?  I dont think so. 

Straight-phobic - haha, love it!

I agree and get what you say.  But in the scenario in my head he wasn't offended by the superficial judgment.  Just what the conclusion of that judgment was.

jeannkerricotober09

so I never brought it up again but I have always wondered what set him off.  Maybe I hit a nerve?  I don't know.. In my own little gay haze, I figure he is gay and uncomfortable with it and married and pissed off I figured him out  HA!

Two*True

jeannkerricotober09:

so I never brought it up again but I have always wondered what set him off.  Maybe I hit a nerve?  I don't know.. In my own little gay haze, I figure he is gay and uncomfortable with it and married and pissed off I figured him out  HA!

My mind would have concocted the same story!

Tanya+Da

ctbride08:

Yes and no.

It does smack of the hypocritical but sadly common, "I have no problem with gay people, but thank goodness i'm not."  which is, clearly, offensive.

Or, it might be that the offense was taken because he was judged superficially and stereotyped. 

I get annoyed (maybe offended, but i'm not sure if my feelings are quite that strong) when people assume i'm straight.  I dont like to be stereotyped.  Does that mean i'm straight-phobic?  I dont think so. 

This!

cookiemonster03

I'm basically with CT, but really, I probably wouldn't think about it that much.

2moms2twins

its such a slippery slope.  I agree with all previous posters. Would I be offended by someones disgust for me thinking they were gay - Umm,  I dont think so but I cant say for sure as it has not happened. 

I have to add that I do think it would be more upsetting for a man to be thought of as gay than a woman -I think because of all the Machismo, Macho Misogynistic (Old school ) ideas of what a "MAN" is.  I think a man would find someone suspecting him of being Gay as a DIG to his MANLYNESS.  ( I HOPE I AM NOT OFFENDING ANYONE ) Hmm.. now I am totally thinking if I would be upset if  a guy was offended by me thinking he was gay !!!!

Melanie is the fem in our relation ship - we have a pretty butch fem dynamic especially in looks  and she gets so annoyed that most people do not know she is gay - she thinks its rude for people to assume and she gets annoyed when  men hit on her-  I just get the nod of gay when I am out by other gay people or I just assume most assume I am gay based on how I look?

 

-Jay

Mrs._F

ctbride08:

ps - i'm sad that this is hypothetical.  the image of you telling some unassuming straight guy that he looks like a leather man makes me giggle.

100% ditto. And I could so see you doing it, Two

-

I also think it is kind of offensive for straight people to be offended when someone thinks that they are gay. But I get how they have that reaction because people's gender identity is often so important to them, and I think that for straight people, when their sexuality is questioned, they feel like their gender identity is sort of threatened, you know?

potbellypig

jeannkerricotober09:

so I never brought it up again but I have always wondered what set him off.  Maybe I hit a nerve?  I don't know.. In my own little gay haze, I figure he is gay and uncomfortable with it and married and pissed off I figured him out  HA!

Probably. 

Two*True

Mrs._F:

ctbride08:

ps - i'm sad that this is hypothetical.  the image of you telling some unassuming straight guy that he looks like a leather man makes me giggle.

100% ditto. And I could so see you doing it, Two

I've told men before that they would make cuddly bears, but never a leather boy ;-)

Mrs._F

Two*True:

Mrs._F:

ctbride08:

ps - i'm sad that this is hypothetical.  the image of you telling some unassuming straight guy that he looks like a leather man makes me giggle.

100% ditto. And I could so see you doing it, Two

I've told men before that they would make cuddly bears, but never a leather boy ;-)

LuluLamar

I feel as though there aren't enough days in the week for me to be offended by stuff like this.  Being a single gay black pregnant woman.. I really do have to pick and choose my battles and usually my choice is to turn it into a joke at the other person's expense and keep on trekkin'.