For those of you who left him - Second Thoughts?

CowboysWife04

Please don't flame as I really don't have anyone/anywhere else to talk about these feelings.

I left DH in early February after a very stressful time at work, some ongoing problems in the marraige (nothing life or death, but some of it was serious) and now that the divorce is almost final I've been having some major doubts if divorce is the right thing for us.

It doesn't help that he's finally admitting to issues we should have been working on, is being a much better father to the girls, among many other things. 

Did any of you have serious doubts after you left about whether or not to reconcile? If so, how did you decide one way or the other?

ShanJosh777

Yes. Major second thoughts. We tried to reconcile twice. Even now, over two years since we separated for the first time, once in a while doubt creeps in. And, my divorce still isn't final, after filing in November 2009.

I don't really have any advice about how to know for sure, but that that is super fast to be divorced. You just left in February? If you are having doubts, I would hold off on finalizing. You don't want to do the wrong thing.

What I've struggled with all along is that there were really no 'dealbreakers' and I kept wondering if we could have worked it out if we had tried harder, gone to counseling, etc. Have you done that?

BostonGayGal

When you say it is almost final, what do you mean by that.  Has there been a judgement of divorce and you are in the waiting period until the judgement is final, or are you almost to the point of getting a judgement from the court.

The fear is that you will reconcile and find that nothing has truly changed. Could this just be a sadness of the relationship that was lost, or would you take him back, even with the behaviors he is currently 'acknowledging'? Are the two of you paying attorneys? I would be inclined to go forward with the divorce ------ knowing that if there isn't yet a judgement, you have the (usually 120days-6 month) Nisi period in which nothing is final. I suspect that with a bit more time your next step will become clear. 

CowboysWife04

ShanJosh777:

I don't really have any advice about how to know for sure, but that that is super fast to be divorced. You just left in February? If you are having doubts, I would hold off on finalizing. You don't want to do the wrong thing.

What I've struggled with all along is that there were really no 'dealbreakers' and I kept wondering if we could have worked it out if we had tried harder, gone to counseling, etc. Have you done that?

I filed for divorce on Feb 4th - my state has a 90 day waiting period so the divorce could be finalized as early as Wednesday 5/18.  However, although he reluctantly signed the papers this morning, I still haven't signed them so nothing can be finalized until I sign.

A good part of me thinks if we just tried harder, and kept up with the counseling, we could have worked things out.  But, the truth is also that he wouldn't acknowledge that he needed to change anything while we were still married.  I'm wondering if this 3 months of separation has given him time to think and realize we both were making mistakes.

 

 

ShanJosh777

BostonGayGal:

When you say it is almost final, what do you mean by that.  Has there been a judgement of divorce and you are in the waiting period until the judgement is final, or are you almost to the point of getting a judgement from the court.

The fear is that you will reconcile and find that nothing has truly changed. Could this just be a sadness of the relationship that was lost, or would you take him back, even with the behaviors he is currently 'acknowledging'? Are the two of you paying attorneys? I would be inclined to go forward with the divorce ------ knowing that if there isn't yet a judgement, you have the (usually 120days-6 month) Nisi period in which nothing is final. I suspect that with a bit more time your next step will become clear. 

This is what ultimately happened for me. I don't have the legal expertise of BGG so I don't completely understand how long it takes for things to be "really" final, but I do think that 3-4 months is a really short time, especially if you are having doubts.

dimake

CowboysWife04:

I filed for divorce on Feb 4th - my state has a 90 day waiting period so the divorce could be finalized as early as Wednesday 5/18.  However, although he reluctantly signed the papers this morning, I still haven't signed them so nothing can be finalized until I sign.

A good part of me thinks if we just tried harder, and kept up with the counseling, we could have worked things out.  But, the truth is also that he wouldn't acknowledge that he needed to change anything while we were still married.  I'm wondering if this 3 months of separation has given him time to think and realize we both were making mistakes.

 

 

 

Have you had a conversation with him?  How much time do you have before you have to sign the paperwork or it expires?

 

My XH finally started admitting to his issues and going to counseling literally two weeks before our divorce was final (we had a scheduled court date, and it had been almost a year since I had filed and over a year separated).  I was not stopping the divorce at that point; if he made the changes that would be required for me to even consider trying again I still didn't want to be legally tied to him (he basically had a "mid-life crisis" at 29 and decided he was in love with some crazy skank).

luvmycoca

I can feel your pain.  I posted above "what led you to file".  I struggle with "if we worked on it we could make it" and "ugh, enough".  I think if I ever do it I will have second thoughts and feel that maybe we just quit/gave up.

christine_marie

Every single day I wonder if I made the right choice. My ex and I were not married, just engaged. He is always talking about WHEN we get back together. He just assumes we are going to. The more he talks like that, the more I start to believe it, even if that's not what I want. I'm happy without him and his problems, but when I talk to him, or see him (when picking up/dropping off DS) we get along great and that's when the doubts creep up. Sorry I don't really have any advice, just letting you know you aren't alone!

UnderAtree

I did the first time and now I look back and regret it. I probably wouldn't be in therapy now if I never went back. But now I am ready to get this all over with.