Can I just borrow some duct tape?

colorschemer

First off, I'm a visitor here, not a resident. I don't really qualify for LGBT Parenting since I'm all straight and stuff. But (as someone pointed out a few posts ago), this is a friendly place and I assume that some of the people here have some experience with this sort of thing so I thought I'd ask.

 

Background: I hadn't gotten along with my sister for years. She was a hateful, mean, angry person. Her life was a wreck and she spent all of her time around the family screaming about any little thing she thought that we did to her.

 

Then she came out of the closet a little over a year ago. Heck, until she was 31 years-old she hadn't come out of the closet to herself. Now she acts like a human. Actually, I kind of like her now. She's interesting, funny and can carry on a conversation without screaming. She also decided that after back to back long term relationships with men, she was going to rock the single thing for a while and get some stuff straight with herself because trolling for chicks.

 

The only problem is that I'm totally okay with my gay kid Mom totally isn't actually okay with any of this. She can't come right and say that she has a problem with my sister (then she might actually have to deal with it). No, she just makes snotty comments about everything else that Sis does. Since coming out, my mom has started making comments about how I'm the only one who she'll ever get grandkids from (  1) so what? 2) errr... please see this entire message board for why that's a stupid statement  ), how my sister is too old to get married (what!?), and even how my sister should go ahead and buy a house since she's never going to get married (Sis lives in an apartment in the most awesome neighborhood ever that she loves, that she could never afford to buy a house in and has told my mom this a dozen times)

 

So my mom and sister and coming down this weekend for my baby shower (something Angry Closed Sis would've never done and Well Adjusted Sis is actually excited about) and I am not at all confident in my my mother's ability to keep her mouth shut. How do you deal with the people who won't actually say I can't deal with you being gay because they're *rolls eyes* waaaaay too open minded for that but then obviously have a problem with it?

 

Can I just borrow a roll of duct tape for my mom's mouth? I've tried just telling her to shut it and she just keeps on like she's just saying what's obvious. You know, that my sister is obviously a huge screw up. Sigh.

ctbride08

I went through this with my mother (though it was more of the I fully support gayness for everyone - except you. variety). 

Unfortunately there wasnt much that could be done in the short term.  The best solution (and revenge) I could find was to just live my life well.  To be confident, happy, and open and eventually she came around.

I'm really happy for your sis - sounds like a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders.  My best advice is to keep supporting her, standing in her corner, and if mom starts acting up, just try to be the buffer.  depending on your comfort level, you may even want to tell your mother that if she cant be pleasent, then she isnt welcome (in nicer words...or maybe not :P).

Two*True

ctbride08:

 .... depending on your comfort level, you may even want to tell your mother that if she cant be pleasent, then she isnt welcome (in nicer words...or maybe not :P).

I agree with this point in particular.  You may need to tell your mom that if she doesn't stop the snide remarks about your sister in front of you then she is not welcome around you.

That and give your mother time.  Time really does heal a lot of things.  If your sister was nasty to your mom as well (prior to coming out) than it could be your mom is still dealing with hurt feelings and isn't ready to play nice just because your sister is.

Kershnic

Yep, what they said.  You have to decide for yourself how much in the middle of mom and sister you want to get, and then insist on that balance.  If you're willing to go to bat for sis, confront mom with your observation that she doesn't really seem to be practicing what she's preaching.  Your mom might need some help to see the change in your sister in finally figuring out who she is, your mom might be feeling scared for your sister of what the future holds, or she may not be ready to let go of the bad times in the last few years.  All parents have ideas of what "success" will look like for their children..it sounds like your sister's current happiness is not lining up with your mom's expectations.  It may take time and/or help (from you maybe!) to see that sis is making her own definition of success.  

colorschemer

Thanks everyone! The last time my mom really started pushing it, I just looked at her and said You know, people don't believe me when I tell them that you say things like that because they don't think that you're that mean. The next hour was really pleasant, but then she reverted. Normally I stay far from family disputes because there are generally two sides to them, but I'm just not seeing a second valid side to this one.

I don't know if calling her on her big issue would do too much good at this point. She's publicly doing the I am SO proud of my gay kid!! thing right now, but then hates every single thing about my sister's life that she didn't care about pre-coming out. I think I'll just have to keep calling her on the offenses on nasty comment at a time.

On the plus side, my 94 year-old grandmother-in-law will probably find this all pretty hilarious at the shower. She rolls like that.

leapgirl8

My MIL is a variation on this theme: She thinks of herself as very easy-going and relaxed, but she's actually really critical. It drives me crazy, but I just stay as positive as possible around her. I have resorted to saying "I disagree with you, but we don't need to discuss it. [Change of subject.]" I agree that calling her on it isn't going to change anything right now (it might later, when she's closer to realizing what is going on). I would just speak positively of your sister on a regular basis, tell her what a good time you had XYZ, how helpful she was with XYZ, how mature/friendly/whatever it was for her to XYZ. Even if she thinks you are wrong, she will still be forced to think about your sister doing something positive, and eventually the message IS going to sink that YOU (someone she loves and trusts) respects your sister and sees the good in her. It might make a difference.