anyone's family not supportive of more than 2 kids?

CaitlinJ22

I have two sisters. I know my one sister loves her kids to pieces, but she constantly says two is easier, stop at two...etc. I also know she thinks I am nuts for wanting 3 with the first two 18 months apart, and about 2 years btwn 2 and 3...if we can wait that long

My mom gets worried because she thinks its bad to have kids closer than 2 years because its hard on your body, and the fact that DH is gone  alot....but its his job and it most likely wont change soon.

My older sister is a PITA and has one 17 month old and can barely handle him. She thinks I should not have more while DH works offshore. She is very outspoken and I am too, so I have told her to mind her own...in nicer words. 

Anway, I know it shouldnt matter what others think....but when its family its hard. Only one sister lives nearby and we get along great, but my other family members will likely not respond well when I get pg again....which will likely be after the summer.

Anyone in the same boat? Is it bad that I already dread telling family and we aren't even TTC yet? ugh When I talk about having more kids, everyone kinda changes the subject or talks about it like its a bad idea....

Rolamarie

To be honest, if you can support them financially, and handle it physically, it's none of anyone's business.

It sounds like your mom is just trying to look out for you, so I wouldn't be too hard on her, but it really is your decision, and they shouldn't be saying anything other than "If that's what you want, then good luck ttc and you will have such a big, beautiful family!"

My 2u2 were unplanned, and my family was extremely unsupportive, and to this day remains not excited at all, and doesn't like to talk about it. I know it really hurts, because it's such a happy thing for you, and you want them to be happy too. I've learned to brush it off and talk more to people (like my close friends) who are more supportive about it.

PhilsWife07

*raises hand* MEEEEEE!

My mom has told me over and over again not to have anymore. Hell, she told me that immediately after I told her we were expecting #2. She even told me she was hoping I would have waited longer, that the new baby's presence would ruin my relationship with DS1, and that our relationship was never the same after my sister was born (we're 2 and a half years apart--DS1 and DS2 are 24 months apart).

She made a really ugly spectacle on Easter in front of my cousin, my cousin's boyfriend, my aunt, and my aunt's boyfriend who all asked me if we were going to have more and that we had to "try for a girl" (we plan to have more but not for the sheer sake of trying for a girl.) My mom all out got on a soap box declaring that we don't need anymore kids, her reasons for which were nonsense (for example we can't fit three in our sedan--we can, and we also have a minivan), and also added that I already "don't know what I'm doing" as it is and that's why I shouldn't have anymore. In that, I don't know what I'm doing as a mother. Yeah, that pissed me off pretty good. I've mostly been avoiding her since then.

I told my sister when I am pregnant with our third, our mom can find out through Facebook. Partly because I'm upset, and partly because I'm dreading dealing with her reaction again. It's nobody's business but mine and DH's how many kids we have. We're not on government support. Our kids are fed, clothed, loved and all but spoiled rotten in a home we call our own. What's the problem?

My dad assumes we're done because he can't see how anyone could possibly want to have more than two kids. My IL's are very supporting, thank goodness. 

It doesn't matter who thinks what about your family planning, like you said, but I agree with you, it does suck when your own family reacts in a crappy way to what should be joyous news. 

kcisthebombdotcom

ME ME ME!

Most of my extended family thinks we should have more kids. However, my dad is completely unsupportive. He thinks we should stop at 2. I generally answer that we're not sure at this point and we're leaving the door open to the possibility for more, but he always jumps in and says "no, they're done" like somehow it's his decision. Then he goes on about how kids are expensive, how he would be paying for them if DH loses his job (which isnt true, considering that we have a cheap mortgage that we could pay on what DH would make in UE god forbid, no debt, and a 5 figure emergency fund), etc.

It's SO annoying.

sweetpea2003

Yea, I can relate a little bit.

We haven't decided if we want more kids.  My husband just left (he is military) and won't be home until December so we tabled the discussion until he gets back and we see where we are.

But back to your issue with family.  His family is all about big families so we would get nothing but support if we had #3.  My family is a little more "judgy" in that way.  My father would be the worst because he ALWAYS makes comments about how irresponsible big families are and essentially implies that people who have lots of kids are selfish twits.  I ignore him (and sometimes make a quick retort and move on) but I know that if we ever do have #3 that telling him I'm pregnant will not be met with a "congratulations". 

Frankly, I have decided (after LOTS of thought and some venting to my DH) that my father and his feelings are not of my concern.  I haven't ever asked anything of my dad in raising my kids, so he deserves 0 say in how many I choose to have.  Done and done.  Yes, easier said than done.  But seriously, when the discussion of having a 3rd baby comes up in the next year, my dad and his opinions will not have an ounce of weight for me.

Telyco

If I remember right, your DH is three weeks on, three weeks off? I would die for my DH to have those hours, to be honest. Those three weeks with him home must be awesome!! I'd go for it when you are ready...realizing that your older 2 will be limited in what they can do (unless you are going to do preschool with them, etc) because once you have three it can get a little dangerous trying to manage them in public (heck - it's dangerous with two sometimes! ie: two toddlers running in opposite directions from the mall play area. Ugh) My parents see how hard it is on me doing all of the work - and my DH usually works 6 days a week and long hours....so they have said we better not have another any time soon. It's in a joking way, but I totally agree with them so I I tell them they have nothing to worry about

Anyway - your family shouldn't have a say in your family planning unless they are the DCP or help you out financially.

They'll get over it!!

But from experience - your baby fever may calm down a bit after #2 becomes a walking in the opposite direction of #1 toddler.

CaitlinJ22

mummyofsix:

Oooohhh yeah! Mine. I am incredibly close to my Mom, but she is a very successful businesswoman and while she was/is a brilliant Mom she still very much identifies as that. 

She loves her grandchildren sooo much, but I she doesn't hide the fact that she thinks it would be awful to have more children. Actually, she has said that for the last 3 children.  

 Its very, very hard. Of course its none of their business, but most people like the support of their families, and I think thats pretty normal to want. I have literally dreaded telling my parents that we are pregnant in the past, knowing that it will come with a "Oh....no! WHY?!?!?!" 

I wish I had some awesome advice for you, but I dont. Just try to separate their issues from your business. Some people just cant cope with their kids, whether its 1 or 11. Dont let their inability rub off on you! Just be proud of your family, and keep your head high!

Thank you. You are very sweet. Im glad to hear some encouraging stories.  

CrystalDaun

I still haven't told my mom because I know she won't be happy. She barely likes the grandkids anyways. She never comes over, I have to take them to her house, if I have to pee I have to take them to the bathroom with me. She's done seeing them after an hour, 2 tops. She makes promises to DD all the time about taking her to church or the park or the farmers market & never does. She says "I raised my kids". She never babysits. DD was in the hosp. w/ a fever of 105.6 so she came to watch DS. 3 hours at the ER and she called me saying I needed to find someone else to finish watching Jax because she needed to get home and take her trash cans in. She is just aweful. Our carpenter said to her weeks ago "so bob and crystal are gonna need more room huh?" and he meant 'cause of our big dog we rescued. Well, she said "why? she isn't pregnant again is she? god I hope not!" and then bam...BFP LOL. I don't even want to tell her. She's so negative and doesn't support us at all or even act like she cares about the kids but she puts in her 2 cents ALL the time. The last time she babysat DD was when I gave birth to DS and the last time she babysat (and the only time) DS was when DD was in the hospital and that was a disaster. She was a bad mom so I guess it doesn't surprise me she's a deadbeat grandma, my own grandma basically raised me 'cause of how my mom was.

CaitlinJ22

Telyco:

If I remember right, your DH is three weeks on, three weeks off? I would die for my DH to have those hours, to be honest. Those three weeks with him home must be awesome!! I'd go for it when you are ready...realizing that your older 2 will be limited in what they can do (unless you are going to do preschool with them, etc) because once you have three it can get a little dangerous trying to manage them in public (heck - it's dangerous with two sometimes! ie: two toddlers running in opposite directions from the mall play area. Ugh) My parents see how hard it is on me doing all of the work - and my DH usually works 6 days a week and long hours....so they have said we better not have another any time soon. It's in a joking way, but I totally agree with them so I I tell them they have nothing to worry about

Anyway - your family shouldn't have a say in your family planning unless they are the DCP or help you out financially.

They'll get over it!!

But from experience - your baby fever may calm down a bit after #2 becomes a walking in the opposite direction of #1 toddler.

Yes, he works 3 wks on and 3 off. It is great when he's home. Most people dont focus on that, they focus on the 3 wks at work. He doesnt take work home, he is home all the time and we can do all sorts of trip etc together. I love it. I hate when he is gone, but we probably have more quality time while he is working in this job than if he had a 9-5 7 days a wk job. We both work hard for 3 wks and then relax for 3 wks.

Thanks for your input. Im sure when E starts walking it will calm down a bit. I do want to get through the summer without being sick though, so I would like to hold off until sept at the earliest. Last summer sucked with a newborn and an 18 month old since we couldnt go to the pool much while DH was gone (too impossible). I want to enjoy this summer  

ShannonSky

DH's dad doesn't want us to have more than 2. His reasons are purely financial (as far as I know, anyway). He's convinced that it is impossible to put more than 2 kids through college and seems to think it'd be irresponsible financially to have more than 2. We actually went through something similar when we were trying to buy our first house. None of our parents were very supportive and his parents are very financially savvy and could have been a huge help to us, but chose to totally disengage. After everything was over and we had the house, they realized we'd made the right choice, but the damage was already done. When having a 3rd came up on our last visit home, FIL started saying something about not having any more then asked if he would have any input. I just flat-out said "No!" lol I'm assuming if and when we get pregnant with no. 3, they'll be supportive, since you can't really take that back, but I doubt we'll let them know we're TTC. If we have a 4th, then they might say something. 

smw123

I also have 2 sisters and they both aren't supportive of having more than 2 kids.  They even think I'm crazy for having 2u2.  I dreaded telling them about my 2nd pregnancy because I knew they would have a negative reaction.  My oldest sister made comments like she needed a break to enjoy all her nieces and nephews and she doesn't have enough love for that many babies (since my brother and other sister also have LOs) I was ticked and thought it was very childish and rude for her to make such comments.  She even got mad at me for thinking this was mean!! I just can't believe that they think they have the right to decide how many children a couple should have.  My sisters both had their first child before they were 20 and they weren't even married.  My husband and I got married, we bought a house, then got pregnant when I was 24 and he was 28.  We have never asked them for anything and we have never asked them to babysit either so why should it even matter to them?  There is a 10 year age difference between my oldest sister and I and a 5 year difference between my other sister and I.  We were never really close and I keep my distance from them and I feel the age difference is a reason.  That's one reason why I want to have my kids closer in age and I'm hoping my children will get along better than I did with my siblings. My mom on the other hand is very supportive and was the only person who helped us during my first pregnancy and after my DS was born. 

 It is hard when it's family and the best thing to do is keep your distance from them if you can manage to do that.   I told my parents in person when I found out I was pregnant with #2 and I just sent my sisters a text message because I didn't want to see their reaction.  Enjoy your pregnancies, however many you may have, and who cares what the rest of your family thinks.