DS and sibling jealousy issues--upset and need advice (long)

schnappycat

I've posted before about my DS's behavior toward DD. In short, he's often mean and generally acts out, takes her toys, won't share anything, has to control what she does play with, pushes/pinches/swats, and is particularly mean if she does something he doesn't deem "appropriate" or "correct" (i.e. the way he'd do it). It's been this way since she was born. Some days it's fine, but others it's very challenging. We''ve done everything "they" say about spending quality time with him since she was born, to no avail. In fact, I think it's backfired and now he wants ALL of the attention. No matter how we try to explain it, he just doesn't seem to understand that she deserves love and attention, too, and that it's not all about him.

Tonight when DH was putting him to bed, he said that he was having a really hard time being nice all of the time and has to be bad. DH asked him why and he said it's because we spend too much time paying attention to DD and not enough with him. That he wants us one of us to play with him all day. I knew that was the case, but it's very frustrating for me to hear because that is flat out NOT true. In actuality, poor DD is ignored a lot more of the time than I'd like. Obviously not by choice (as I type this I feel terrible), but because of DS's schedule (he has several classes a week, so she is shuttled around and put in the nursery for one of them), and just the way it's been working with me trying to get things done around the house, etc. She has to play by herself some of the time and is put in the PNP while I shower and that sort of thing. She is a laid-back girl and mostly fine with the attention she does get. She really does seem to roll with it all. But DS doesn't seem to see or understand just how little one-on-one time we actually do spend with just her and how much we spend with him in comparison. She naps for 3 hours each day and some of that time is devoted one-on-one time with DS (we play, go outside, color, read, etc.). And after DD goes to be each night, DH and I usually both play some with him (or DH spends some time with him alone). He doesn't nap 99% of the time now, so the only alone time I get with DD is if she gets up before him in the morning. 

Anyhow, how do I get DS to understand that he gets plenty of attention and DD is really getting shafted in comparison?  I know he's too little to get logic, but for better or worse he truly does get the better end of the bargain right now. I just think of the families with many more kids and wonder how he'd fare there. Please help me explain that she's equally as important and deserves the same Mommy/Daddy time that he does. I guess he's just spoiled from being an only child of a SAHM for 2 years, but plenty of kids are like that and really love their siblings and have good relationships. I'm worried. He really seems to resent her, and frankly, not like her most of the time.  We struggled to even have our kids, and being an only child myself, was thrilled we were able to give DS a sibling, so I'm very disheartened and sad it's turned out this way. I see how other siblings love each other and it makes me upset and envious.

Sorry this is so long!

franciscaz

If I'm wrong I apologize but is your son in special education or early intervention?  I'm asking b/c I thought I saw he might be and I was wondering if you have looked into resources through his current program. 

I know it has been hard for us with Harmon since the twins came home and when I see your posts it just reminds me so much of what we have gone through.  I used to think my Harm was a terrorist and honestly we still are struggling (I won't let him and Callum share rooms b/c I worry he might hurt him).  I know reaching out for family therapy has helped so much.  We receive services through his school and through the twins EI.  Those guys have helped me so much.  I talk to Harm's counselor at school weekly and we have an FT come to the house and work with all 3 kids along with DH, our nanny, and I.  I don't know what I would have done with out help.  In fact it was the FT who suspected Harm was on the spectrum over a year ago when the initial screenings said he wasn't.  I had no clue how to help this kid and still care for my twins who when they came home were fragile (and now Rach has CP so it is still a balance).

For us It was a lot of behavioral therapy for him.  Sitting and working with all of them and teaching positive reinforcement and behavior modification as we learned to share and play together.  We joined a REALLY active mom's group where he is seeing good examples of modeling (we do 2-3 activities a week and there is about 15-20 kids in the group).  We did a feeding group with other special needs kids (again socializing).  I know y'all are doing pre-k next year you mentioned and that socializing has made SO much of a difference as well.  He has real friends now in his special needs pre-k!  A year ago I didn't think he ever would have a friend.    

I also can reinforce how you feel about your daughter.  You are right to feel she needs more time not less.  It is so hard having more than one child (and in my case I have 2 special needs children and this little boy in the middle who sits there: sings, smiles, and is patient).  I'm trying to make that one on one time with each of them.  I feel like I can't do enough but I know especially little Callum who isn't needing PT or ABA therapy gets a little lost.  I'm trying to spend more time with him in other ways.  It is hard.  I almost feel like I have missed out on a lot of their baby-hood and now they are almost kids.

I've given examples on the board a lot of some of the specifics they have taught us but if you have the resources available I can't say enough good things.  I'm sorry it has been so hard for you.  I hope some of this helps.

luvmagoldn

I'm wondering if the fix might be relatively simple.  How about letting him know he will get 20 minutes of special time with you or DH a day (you could switch off days).  Ask him how he wants to spend that time.  Maybe he doesn't see shuttling around to different activities as special time for him.

It could be simply playing with legos in a part of the house where his sister can't be part of the action or talking a nature walk to look for bugs. It doesn't have to cost anything at all but may involve going out for ice cream or something.

It doesn't really matter how the math comes out.  If your son thinks he's being short changed his behavior will continue.

I hope you are able to find a solution! 

ETA:  Sorry, I just read that you may have tried this already.  If so, I'm with the poster above.  Have you spoken to your pedi or another professional about it? 

schnappycat

He is in EI, Francisca, but only for speech articulation now. He goes to small speech group for an hour a week, although that will be ending soon for the summer and he'll pick up the services again in August when he starts preschool (which will be 4 days/week per the EI program).

When he started EI services at 2, we did have a behaviorist come by the house once a month to address the tantrums and other behavior issues he was having then. Nothing major, but since I had mentioned them at the screenings, they thought it was warranted. She continued on after the baby was born and did give up some tips, none of which really worked. In short, we were told most of his behavior was typical 2-3 yo behavior and not to worry too much. However, his bad behavior toward DD has just gotten worse since then. 

His teachers all love him, tell me he's polite, well-mannered, bright, social, and plays well with other kids. They don't see any of the issues I deal with at home, which I know is quite normal. He is quite socialized now--he has 3 classes (incl. speech) a week right now and loves them. We also belong to a mom's group, although we don't do much with them because of scheduling conflicts/naps. But we try to either meet with them or do playdates as well. 

I don't believe he has any other issues that would qualify him for EI services outright (although you never know), but you bring up a good point that maybe some additional general therapy might be worth looking into. Maybe I'll ask my speech teacher next week (we already have a year-end meeting scheduled) what she suggests and maybe I'll call the EI contact. We have just really tried everything I've heard and read typically work, so maybe we need a good therapist to get to the root of what is going on in his head. 

Thanks for the insight and I'm sorry to hear you have been through so much! 

kada626

I'm not exactly sure what to say to help you out. Sorry he isn't adjusting so well to his sister. My girls are complete best friends but Taylor did have to learn how to treat her sister in the beginning & to share me. I never did any extra special time with dd1, not sure if that would of made a difference. The rules are if you hit, swat, push....it's an immediately time out. If they don't share a toy nicely, they get a warning and if it continues, the toy gets taken away for a couple hours. That said I do a lot of playing with them to show them how to take turns and how to play nice. Maybe you can give him more praise & tell him how special he is. Tell him you missed him when you pick him up from class etc. Give more hugs and acknowledge his feelings in words so he will know how to express himself. Good luck, I'm sure it will get better.  

flyingsaucer

You should try talking to his speech therapist... as a professional she may have some good advice.  Your son may have a hard time articulating his feelings/needs due to his speech struggles.  GL!

franciscaz

Thanks, we have challenges as a family but I'm pretty lucky b/c I have a good support group.  

It sounds like you have a lot of great things going for you and your son!  I would definitely see if you can't get more resources through EI before y'all transition.  It sounds like you are on the right path though.

Also I had a crazy idea I thought about.  Maybe doing some fun adventures where he has to get along with his sister might be good.  Things that require him sharing.  Sometimes we sit on the floor and work on a puzzle.  Harm takes a turn, Call takes a turn and than Rach.  If he wants to have fun in the activity than he has to share.  We do small road trips too that he gets to help choose.  During the trips the rules are he has to help us with the twins.  He has to help get their snacks from the bag, help me change diapers, or push the stroller.  We try to mark him as the "Good Big Brother".  If he starts acting up than right away we go home.  

These are two things that also have helped us.  HTH!