help - Farmville addiction (don't laugh, I'm serious)

redshoegirl

Not for me - for my MIL. Last year she and FIL finally took the plunge and got a laptop. Shortly after that, she was introduced to Facebook, which I was happy about - it's an easy way for me to share pics of the boys with her, etc.

And then someone invited her to Farmville.

Now she is addicted. She and FIL are retired, and this is her day: get up, get a cup of coffee, log in to Farmville, play until lunch, log back in, play until dinner, log in again, play until bed. FIL called us out of concern a week or two ago because she was ranting - as in shrieking for a couple of hours - about someone in her farm co-op (apparently there are co-ops now?) not pulling their weight. She takes it very seriously.

There are breaks once or twice a week for errands - like if she has to go grocery shopping - and thankfully I believe she limits her online time to naps when she's watching the boys (from what FIL says) but it's still an issue - it's causing problems between her and FIL, and he doesn't know what to do about it (he has asked her to stop or at least limit her time playing it numerous times). She used to be involved in the community, volunteering at a charity store, visiting open gardens, that kind of thing, but all of that seems to have stopped now.

For a while Ben and I didn't worry much about it - we figured it was a passing fad because she was new to the internet and Facebook and all - but it's been a good 6 months now. He tried to help by visiting for a few hours one day to show her other online communities and sites she might be interested in (e.g., she's always enjoyed cooking so he showed her recipe sites) to at least divert her attention, but as soon as he left, she sent him a message on Facebook saying "Thanks, but I'm going to stick to Farmville."

I know all of this sounds stupid, but it's causing a LOT of strife among my ILs and I wish I could think of some way to show her that it's really not healthy. I know there's probably not really anything I can do, that it's a conclusion she has to come to on her own, but I want to help if I can. Any ideas?

Married2MrWright

Oh wow. This IS serious. I mean other gamers have similar issues, no matter what the game. And of course we all know about "crackberry" syndrome where folks are CONSTANTLY checking their smartphone. I heard a psychologist on NPR talk about this. You basically have to treat it like any other obsession/compulsion or addiction.

Honestly? Your FIL should either get rid of the laptop and/or cut off the internet service. At least for a while. Your MIL is obviously not getting the point here. Also, is she aware of how much time she's spending on Farmville? Many people don't "realize" and grossly underestimate the time. He could video her with a time stamp and then you all do an "intervention" of sorts where she actually SEES what her day is looking like. For real. I am so sorry. My brother is really into gaming and it was a GIANT strain on his marriage and chlidren. I am not joking. It didn't change until his son started having problems in school and then my brother started homeschooling him for a couple of years. Now, he's in school himself and has no time for the game. True story.

MrsNJSwimmer

My father is like this too, although I don't think it's quite that much.  But seriously, that's ALL he talks about, and he gets mad about people doing stuff on there, or whatever too.  I don't play, so I don't understand it (heck, I hardly have time for FB as it is) so I only half listen to him.

I think it's probably like an addiction as well.  I wonder if there is someone you could talk to at a local Al-Anon or something like that for family support.  Do you have anything like that over there?

 

ETA: I found this site - it might help some:

https://www.netaddiction.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=61&Itemid=84

 

redshoegirl

Married2MrWright:

Oh wow. This IS serious. I mean other gamers have similar issues, no matter what the game. And of course we all know about "crackberry" syndrome where folks are CONSTANTLY checking their smartphone. I heard a psychologist on NPR talk about this. You basically have to treat it like any other obsession/compulsion or addiction.

Honestly? Your FIL should either get rid of the laptop and/or cut off the internet service. At least for a while. Your MIL is obviously not getting the point here. Also, is she aware of how much time she's spending on Farmville? Many people don't "realize" and grossly underestimate the time. He could video her with a time stamp and then you all do an "intervention" of sorts where she actually SEES what her day is looking like. For real. I am so sorry. My brother is really into gaming and it was a GIANT strain on his marriage and chlidren. I am not joking. It didn't change until his son started having problems in school and then my brother started homeschooling him for a couple of years. Now, he's in school himself and has no time for the game. True story.

Yeah, Ben is a gamer and knows people who have similar problems - not with Farmville, but it's really the same thing no matter what you play. 

I did suggest to FIL that he get rid of the laptop - or even just their internet service - but he wasn't up for that. MIL is the dominant one in the relationship, so she tends to be the rule maker, kwim?

I had a similar idea about demonstrating how much time she spends on there by loading a clocker onto her laptop desktop, but after speaking with FIL and Ben (I haven't directly addressed it with MIL since our relationship is tenuous as it is, although Ben and his father both have), I'm not sure it would make a difference. She does seem to be aware of how much time she's spending on there - she just doesn't care. She's retired and this is what she wants to do with her time and she enjoys it, so we're all just big meanies for saying she's taken it too far. I wonder if a video might help a bit though - maybe having a 12 hour day played back on the TV, where she can see herself just sitting there all day would help? I'll suggest it to FIL.

MrsNJSwimmer:

My father is like this too, although I don't think it's quite that much.  But seriously, that's ALL he talks about, and he gets mad about people doing stuff on there, or whatever too.  I don't play, so I don't understand it (heck, I hardly have time for FB as it is) so I only half listen to him.

I think it's probably like an addiction as well.  I wonder if there is someone you could talk to at a local Al-Anon or something like that for family support.  Do you have anything like that over there?

 

ETA: I found this site - it might help some:

https://www.netaddiction.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=61&Itemid=84

 

We have local addiction support groups, but only for the "biggies" like alcohol abuse, etc. Thank you for the link - I'll go check it out now!

 

jaymers99

Okay, I admit it...I was addicted to pointless Facebook games (Farmville was just one of them...I was also regularly playing Mafia Wars, Restaurant City, Pet Society, YoVille, and a number of others).  It is deceiving because the game just involves clicking on things, so I'd go in and do some "quick maintenance" -- water my crops, collecting coins from my animals, etc.  Before I knew it, hours had passed...it really is a time drainer, and you really don't realize how much time you actually spend on it.

 I still play a little bit (I'm down to only one game now), but don't spend nearly as much time as I used to.  The games are designed so that you get rewarded for  logging in every day and doing some type of timed maintenance (harvesting crops before they die, feeding animals every X number of hours, etc.).  It becomes a routine, and that makes it hard to break.

Also, this might sound dumb, but by quitting a game, I kind of felt like I was letting down some of my gamer friends.  Since the games rely a lot on helping friends (sending them gifts, becoming part of their co-op, etc.), it does build a relationship between people. 

I knew that I was spending an unhealthy amount of time on the game, but it wasn't until my husband confronted me about it that I really decided to stop.  He said that he doesn't feel like my husband because I spend more time playing the game than I do with him.  It got me to stop and think about what I am actually getting out of this game, and really, it isn't much.  I also began to think about all the other things I could be doing with my time.

I agree that it is something your MIL probably needs to come to on her own, but maybe your FIL can help by showing her how it is affecting HIS life.  Maybe he needs to show her all the things she is missing out on in the real world while she is busy clicking on pixels.

I hope your MIL is able to get past this.  Thinking about this and writing about it has given me inspiration to quit playing that last game I am hooked on.  I guess the first step really is to admit you have a problem... 

jaymers99

Married2MrWright:

Oh wow. This IS serious. I mean other gamers have similar issues, no matter what the game. And of course we all know about "crackberry" syndrome where folks are CONSTANTLY checking their smartphone. I heard a psychologist on NPR talk about this. You basically have to treat it like any other obsession/compulsion or addiction.

Honestly? Your FIL should either get rid of the laptop and/or cut off the internet service. At least for a while. Your MIL is obviously not getting the point here. Also, is she aware of how much time she's spending on Farmville? Many people don't "realize" and grossly underestimate the time. He could video her with a time stamp and then you all do an "intervention" of sorts where she actually SEES what her day is looking like. For real. I am so sorry. My brother is really into gaming and it was a GIANT strain on his marriage and chlidren. I am not joking. It didn't change until his son started having problems in school and then my brother started homeschooling him for a couple of years. Now, he's in school himself and has no time for the game. True story.

As a recovering addict, I agree that FIL should cut off her access for a while.  Taking away her laptop or banning her from the computer may make her feel like she is being treated like a child, but maybe they could go on a trip or something.  Get her out of the house, away from the computer.  For me, I had an easier time leaving the game after I was without my computer during our honeymoon.  As I mentioned in my last post, the game is designed to reward you by logging in every day.  Once you miss a couple days and you realize it really isn't the end of the world to lose out on the reward or to break your streak, it is easier not to go back.

But like mentioned above, a big part of fixing the issue will be getting MIL to realize she has a problem in the first place... 

redshoegirl

jaymers, thank you SO much for sharing that...I know it must be a strange thing to have to realize about yourself (I would rate myself as borderline addicted to social gaming - like Pet Society etc - before the boys were born, and went cold turkey the week before I was going to be induced because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep doing it). 

jaymers99:

I agree that it is something your MIL probably needs to come to on her own, but maybe your FIL can help by showing her how it is affecting HIS life.  Maybe he needs to show her all the things she is missing out on in the real world while she is busy clicking on pixels.

I hope your MIL is able to get past this.  Thinking about this and writing about it has given me inspiration to quit playing that last game I am hooked on.  I guess the first step really is to admit you have a problem... 

I think this is really good advice, too. I know FIL has told her that he'd like her to quit, but I'm not sure she realizes just how much it actually affects him - that he misses spending time with her, doing stuff with her, etc. Maybe he can show her that and it would have more of an effect? (I think right now, he says something and she just thinks, "Eh, whatever - I enjoy it and it's not hurting anyone!"). Thank you again.