I hate asking for help

meghans30

My DH and I have learned to be pretty independent when it comes to finding care for the boys. We work opposite shifts, hire sitters, or swap sitting with another couple. I did not have children with the expectation that our family would care for them. DH's father lives in his hometown about 45 min. away. He and his wife love to offer help, but when it comes to follow through, they don't. My mother works odd hours, my father is not comfortable watching them by himself (even though he had 3 children), and lastly, DH's parents moved to FL.

The ILs live at a family campground for 4 months out of the year  specifically so they can see the boys. So, I do ask my MIL to occasionally watch the boys. The issue? She always gives me the run around.  Sucks. I know she loves the boys and us, but I just wish she would offer help more often.

 

Just venting. How many of you do not receive much help from family and how to you deal with the situation? 

 

 

ali-1411

We don't have any help from family since we live out of state. 

But my parents have made it clear that they raised their kids, they have no desire to raise their grandkids.  I was single mom until DS was 4 and had a lot of help from my parents.  They were willing to help but they weren't happy about it.  They'd rather pay a babysitter than actually do the babysitting, kwim?  

Its fine.  I'm grateful for all they did but I'm so glad that we live completely independent now.  I think I'll be the same way when my kids are grown, I won't want to watch my grandkids all the time. 

meghans30

ali-1411:

We don't have any help from family since we live out of state. 

But my parents have made it clear that they raised their kids, they have no desire to raise their grandkids.  I was single mom until DS was 4 and had a lot of help from my parents.  They were willing to help but they weren't happy about it.  They'd rather pay a babysitter than actually do the babysitting, kwim?  

Its fine.  I'm grateful for all they did but I'm so glad that we live completely independent now.  I think I'll be the same way when my kids are grown, I won't want to watch my grandkids all the time. 

In no way do I expect them to raise my kids - AT ALL. An hour here or there, maybe an occasional date night? That would be nice. And I have to give her credit, she will do this once in a while, but I just hate asking. It would just be nice of every once in a while, I got "Hey, I'll take the kids for the afternoon." That would be heaven!

I also had a very different experience growing up when it came to grandparents. My mom's mom watch us a lot, and my father's parents who live in MD would take us for weeks at a time. 

 

Zenya

we don't live near family.  It's a mixed blessing.  My mom has made multiple comments about how she thinks it's 'mad' when grandparents watch the kids a lot and given how uneasy they are with my kids I can't see them doing much babysitting if we lived near.

We have a complicated relationship with my IL's.  

 

joy143dh

We have VERY little help from family.  My parents live in FL for 7 mos and NH for 5.  Their camp in NH is 2 hrs away.  We do a drop-off long weekend twice a year (1x in FL and 1x in NH) where they watch DS while DH & I go away for a few nights.  My ILs live 45 min away. MIL has babysat 4 times in 4 yrs and I had to bring DS to her house (where FIL loaded him up with sugar and kept him up 'til past midnight.)

I would also love a "let me watch DS this afternoon for you" or "I would love to take DS to the zoo some day", but there's none of that from the ILs. 

Luckily, we have fantastic neighbors who have DS over to their house a lot if I need to run errands.  DS also has amazing teachers at his school that are always available for babysitting.  Even a few parents at the school have started asking to pick DS up to go to the park. (Which reminds me that I need to reciprocate the offer this weekend!) 

I didn't have grandparents growing up, so I didn't have the same experience as you.  I did have a LOT of babysitters though!  My parents were always out (sometimes at weeks at a time!)

belle204

I'm sorry. I'm sure it's hard to have little or no help. Posts like this remind me how lucky I am to have help from my family. I don't know what I'd do otherwise.

Cbidt's girl

I don't fall into the "don't have much help" camp, but I wanted to share my experience after reading the replies. I don't get unsolicited help or random help. Both sets of grandparents are involved but it is pretty pre-arranged. My mom is our daycare one day a week. She does a full day for no pay. My mil will babysit once a month- again no pay, though there are strings of the guilt laden sort and all sorts of passive aggressive maneuvers on her part. Even with that - I love the close relationship my kids have with their grandparents based on the quality of time they have. I hope my grandkids will feel as comfortable with me as my kids feel with my parents and my in-laws.

meghans30

Cbidt's girl:

I don't fall into the "don't have much help" camp, but I wanted to share my experience after reading the replies. I don't get unsolicited help or random help. Both sets of grandparents are involved but it is pretty pre-arranged. My mom is our daycare one day a week. She does a full day for no pay. My mil will babysit once a month- again no pay, though there are strings of the guilt laden sort and all sorts of passive aggressive maneuvers on her part. Even with that - I love the close relationship my kids have with their grandparents based on the quality of time they have. I hope my grandkids will feel as comfortable with me as my kids feel with my parents and my in-laws.

 I also cherish the relationship my boys have with my ILs. I'm sure I sound whinny and ungrateful, but it's just been a long week. The opposite shift situation really wears on me by this time in the school year. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing summer is coming and DH and I will see each other more! Thanks for all the replies. 

Cbidt's girl

meghans30:

Cbidt's girl:

I don't fall into the "don't have much help" camp, but I wanted to share my experience after reading the replies. I don't get unsolicited help or random help. Both sets of grandparents are involved but it is pretty pre-arranged. My mom is our daycare one day a week. She does a full day for no pay. My mil will babysit once a month- again no pay, though there are strings of the guilt laden sort and all sorts of passive aggressive maneuvers on her part. Even with that - I love the close relationship my kids have with their grandparents based on the quality of time they have. I hope my grandkids will feel as comfortable with me as my kids feel with my parents and my in-laws.

 I also cherish the relationship my boys have with my ILs. I'm sure I sound whinny and ungrateful, but it's just been a long week. The opposite shift situation really wears on me by this time in the school year. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing summer is coming and DH and I will see each other more! Thanks for all the replies. 

I don't think you sounded whiny - and if I didn't get a ton of help I would be so sad, resentful and angry. I depend in my parents and in-laws to love, care for and cherish my kids in theory AND in practice.

Littlejen22

None, at all really.  My Mom only lives 15 minutes away and we usually see her once a week and she loves my kids but she is turning 75 this month and is not as with it as she thinks she is an the idea of leaving them alone (especially the 2yo) scares us.  She has babysat about 4 or 5 times, when it was just DS he was asleep first and now with both kids DS is awake but DD is asleep.  One time I ran to the post office to drop off a package when they were both with her, that's it.  My brother lives about 20 minutes away but I have only left DS with my SIL once when my Dad was dying and on a ventilator, it was an emergency but while I trust my SIL to keep my kids safe I do not trust my brother to listen to my wishes like not putting the kids on a quad so they will never be there alone until they are much older and maybe not even then.  But I really wish we had family we could leave them with, we could really use some alone time.

lollitots

I only wish we had help. My Dad died and my Mom has Alheimer's, so it isn't happening there. My ILs live maybe 10 minutes away, but they don't babysit often. Maybe twice a year for something important like a doctors appointment. Last time I asked them to babysit so we could have a date night they offered to take one. Um, that doesn't help if I have to take two on a hot date with DH. They have never taken them overnight. They do watch their only other grandchild for one week every other month and take him lots of places. My kids get screwed because they don't think we need any help while BIL is helpless. I try not to be bitter, but I really wish they would want to see them more than a few times a year, especially when they live so close.