Not sure if it's PPD, or PTSD, or just stress.

Leeghsy

The background:

We got married, I found out my DH cheated on me just days before the wedding, and then again after the wedding.  We end up on the rocks and I am looking at moving into my own place for a seperation so I can figure out what I want to do but decide to wait until after the holidays so as not to overshadow our families christmas spirit with bad news.  We get drunk, I get pregnant.  We do some couples counseling, stick together to try and work things out but I end the counseling because I'm exhausted trying to work extra hours to pay off our tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt and because I'm a pregnant hormonal wreck.  I end up on bedrest, gain 80 pounds with all sorts of health issues, fighting with my DH, crying myself to sleep every night, and end up with an unplanned c/s.  But I do manage to EBF which made me happy :-) After several months of serious fighting I gave DH the ultimatum that things get better or I am taking the baby and myself and getting out. And... now he's honestly the best DH ever, he's done a complete 180 and we haven't fought in... months at least.  Not even a little.  I love the man he's become, I love my amazing little boy, we're financially stable (for the first time EVER), we have a nice house and car and good friends and everything is great.  I'm really HAPPY with where my life is right now.

But I have a problem now with explosive anger.  Like, so angry I can feel my heart pounding behind my eyeballs, and I've been having panic attacks.  SOME of these are related to my anxiety disorder, which is generally well controlled, but a LOT are related to pregnant women, babies, and especially labor and delivery.  When I see a pregnant woman or a girl walking around with her new baby I get a pang of regret in my heart over all the happy moments I missed because of all the drama that was going on around and with me... when I see a pregnant women go into labor (on TV or at work, etc) it's like I can't breathe because I feel robbed of the experience unnecessarily, I feel as though all the stupid things my DH put me through were definite contributors to the chaos and unease surrounding my son's birth.

I love where we are NOW, but it's like the past keeps bubbling up to haunt me.  I'm hoping this is something that will fade with time but am concerned that it might not be.

Thanks for listening.

KatieMiami1220

I think that the wounds your suffered at the beginning of your marriage take time to heal.  Is there someone you can talk to about this?  Maybe you and DH should still consider couples' counseling to make sure you stay on this happy path. I just want you to know that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself because it sounds like you've been through a lot.

Leeghsy

Thanks, I try to not be too hard on myself but I feel like I'm the worst mom in the world sometimes.  We will likely resume couples counseling, it will probably help.  It just sucks being so... explosively... angry all the time. I'm not an angry person and I hate it!