How do you deal with coworkers asking about conceiving?

danafromslope

Its stressful enough going through the whole process of trying to conceive, but how do you deal with nosy people? My DH and I only got married in 2009 so people feel they have the right to ask, "So when are you two gonna have kids?" I want to tell most of them its none of their business, but that would be as rude as their question! I am over 40 and we are having trouble conceiving and every time this happens I have all these feelings of FAILURE and stress bubble up again...How do you silence this question?

klm195

Hi there.  I don't really have an answer, but I thought I'd write and say that I totally understand.  I'll be 40 in less than a month (ugh...that hurts!!) and
I feel like a total failure too!! I am getting pressure from everyone.  "When are you gonna have kids?"  Sometimes I want to say - "Nine months or so after we get pregnant".  But that would be rude - just like telling them it's none of their business.  I wish I had a witty answer for you.  Luckily it's not so much the co-workers or even my family that is pushing.  However, my FIL - oh boy!!  There is not a conversation I've had with him since getting married last September that he hasn't snuck in "....and when we have grandchildren - God willing".  Yeah - that's exactly right..God willing.  Do you not think I pray nightly that this is the month/cycle I get pregnant and have a healthy, happy baby in 9 months?  Sometimes I want to ask him if he'd like details of how his son and I are having s-e-x and maybe he can give us pointers!!

Sorry - I totally ranted on your post.  My answer is that I'm not sure - maybe say "we are trying and we'll let you know when we know?"  Just thought I'd let you know you are not alone in your feelings!

happywifemomofone

None of my coworkers know that we are TTC.  One of the reasons that they don't know is because, like you, it's none of their business.  This has come up once or twice by rude people, I usually say-"don't know, when are you going to have kids?"  Usually that gets the message across pretty clearly.  Don't let their nosiness ruin your day.......as you will have success when the timing is right.  Taking a bit longer does not necessarily =failure

danafromslope

No one knows we are trying to conceive/going the IVF route, not even my family (just the hubby of course). My Mom has been nagging me to death, saying things like, "Was your childhood so horrible that you don't want kids?" or "Will I still be alive when you finally have kids?" I have blown up at her on several occasions but haven't told her about the IVF because it would start another round of nagging I'M sure!

I love the line "Nine Months after we get pregnant" even though its a little cheeky! I just think having or not having kids is a very personal decision and its ballsy to ask...

lmydogally

It's so weird because no one ever ask me.  If they ask me if I have kids I tell them we are trying. 80% of the time they say "oh god, you can have mine. why would you want to do that to yourself."   It's so rude.

Country Girl in the City

It depends on the person.  The people that I cam close to at work figured it out due to lifestyle changes and moving from a really cool condo to a bigger house.  When my intern asked me I told him, "you need to learn that you don't ask people things like that at work.  Do you really want to think about your boss' sex life?"  Everyone else I just say we will see and redirect the conversation.

Family is much harder.  In 11 days I will have been married for 12 years.  They just assume that we will not have kids. 

Mrs.McIrish

I'm the opposite of all of you.I am pretty open about it if someone asks. I just don't care anymore about keeping it a secret. It's easier for me to just talk about it versus hiding it.

lindaeverly

Mrs.McIrish:

I'm the opposite of all of you.I am pretty open about it if someone asks. I just don't care anymore about keeping it a secret. It's easier for me to just talk about it versus hiding it.

Mrs. McIrish you are amazing!  You are always the first to encourage someone when they are having a hard time & you being so open about what you are going through is great!  I think that so many people just take it for granted that it's an easy process.  Teaching people that it's not always easy & sometimes down right hard is a great thing!

 

KR1505

danafromslope:

No one knows we are trying to conceive/going the IVF route, not even my family (just the hubby of course). My Mom has been nagging me to death, saying things like, "Was your childhood so horrible that you don't want kids?" or "Will I still be alive when you finally have kids?" I have blown up at her on several occasions but haven't told her about the IVF because it would start another round of nagging I'M sure!

I love the line "Nine Months after we get pregnant" even though its a little cheeky! I just think having or not having kids is a very personal decision and its ballsy to ask...

 This, for my best friend and her family.  This Mother's Day, her grandmother said "you should catch and keep a man, it would be nice for you to finally settle down, I'd like great-grandchildren before I die".  Yes, let's make my bff feel bad because she is -gasp- 32 and still unmarried and childless. 

Side vent: Her grandfather actually said, after she broke up with her fiance a few years back, "by the grace of God, you found a man who was willing to marry you, and you threw it away".  That's the type of family she has.  They make me so angry.

The furthest I will go is to ask a coworker if they WANT kids.  After that, how or when they have the kids is not my business.  And as far as family saying "I want grandbabies", I think it's really selfish.  They already got their babies.  Now they want grandbabies?  I'm sorry if my life isn't going according to your timeline here, but unless you're offering up your womb/checkbook, butt out. 

lmydogally

I'm sitting on Mrs.McIrish's couch.  I am very open because I feel like hiding will only make me feel even more anxious.  I don't blast it on FB but if someone ask, I tell them. 

Mrs.McIrish

lindaeverly:

Mrs.McIrish:

I'm the opposite of all of you.I am pretty open about it if someone asks. I just don't care anymore about keeping it a secret. It's easier for me to just talk about it versus hiding it.

Mrs. McIrish you are amazing!  You are always the first to encourage someone when they are having a hard time & you being so open about what you are going through is great!  I think that so many people just take it for granted that it's an easy process.  Teaching people that it's not always easy & sometimes down right hard is a great thing!

 

Thanks for this!  So nice to hear:-)

HappyMrsK

I'm pretty lucky I guess because I don't get asked this very often. I got married in 2010, so I'm thinking now that our first year of marriage is over I may be getting those questions a little more.

So far, when I'm asked I just say something like "I don't know yet," or "we're thinking about it." I don't go into details but that's because I'm a pretty private person in general. No one really knows, not even in our families, that we are TTC.

If you are comfortable being upfront about it go ahead and share. However, I think this might invite people into continuing to ask questions like this to get updates. so be prepared for that. If it doesn't bother you to have them know you are TTC and answering their questions then I'd say go ahead and share with them. If it's something you would rather not talk about at work I think just giving a short answer like "I'm not sure" would be fine.

If someone is really nosy and keeps asking after you given a polite response then  I would be very direct and tell them "it's personal" and you don't "care to discuss it at work."

ForTheLoveOf Pink

yup me too...married for 2 yrs and now 41yrs old. I don't get many questions, but my close friends really were all about asking about "our" intentions for children as soon as we got back from the weddingmoon. "yup were trying" We kind of joked about it.

Now two years later....I think now they don't really ask unless they have some time on their hands......I let them all know about our issues!!! Really if you don't see someone on a regular basis...there is lots to tell......and I let those fertile mertles know how blessed they should be.

Of course there is a place and time, but now if someone asks me.....I tell them the truth....."it is not working".......you never know I may meet a millionare and they may feel sorry for me and my old eggs......and give me some fresh eggs!!!!!LOL