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Pre-School and Daycare
I need to vent but would like some feedback. ;o)
I wanted to see how you mommas would feel, I am going to make this story short as possible.. Yesterday, we had celebrated Mother's day with my MIL in the morning. We met for breakfast, now I had my SIL, BIL, their twins, DH, myself and my DD, and MIL and FIL. As we were all ready to sit down right away my MIL takes my DD and tells her to sit next to her. Now I thought alright don't be upset, but I was b/c I wanted to sit next to her since it was MOTHER's DAY. Ever since my DD was born, my MIL has this weird obsession with her and it is getting out of hand. My DD was eating butter out of a container and I told my MIL to take it out of her hand please b/c I didn't want her to eat it. (YUCK) Anyway, MIL looks at me and she tells me that she did it when she was a kid! I was like, that's fine but take it away from her please and she DIDN'T!! SIL helped and got it out of her hand. Then we all decided to meet at a park for the kids to play. My DD wanted to go down the slide and asked my MIL to come with her. Well MIL leaves my poor niece in the swing by herself and goes with my DD. I felt so bad for my neice and thank god she is only 1 so she didn't understand what her Nanny did. But I went over to my neice and finished swinging her. I want to talk to my SIL about how I feel about her mom being all weird with my kid, but I don't know how she would feel??
I just feel that I need to tell my MIL how I feel, she never listens to me with how I want my DD to do or not to do. When we are at their house she leaves with my DD and disappears for hours and we sit there and do nothing. Should I address her how I feel or is this like an OBSESSION that will never go away??? UGH So sorry but its been bugging me for years and I think it was the last straw yesterday!!! I would like other opinions to help! Thanks for listening and I hope I don't sound so MEAN!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I need to vent but would like some feedback. ;o)
Thanks, I did tell him how I feel but, he doesn't want to hurt his mom's feelings. I don't want to either! But it is just really getting out of hand and I feel like she is trying to take control of my little girl and I have nothing to say! But I do agree, I really want him to tell his MOM not me!!!
What do you mean she disappears for hours with your daughter? Huh? And you sit there and do nothing?
Clarification needed here.
Alright here goes, this is my thought on this. Your MIL is odd but her connection with your dd is a good thing. I would simple say that you are the mom and she needs to respect what you say. Frankly, I would not encourage your dh to talk to his mom. While it is easier, it is your issue and you should handle it. Having him do it will create an odd three way tension. Repeat this sentiment, and be specific. In the instance at the resturant, afterwards I would have talked to her alone and said that she undermined my authority and that eating butter is not acceptable for xyz reason. (That being said, my dd does it all the time. Gross. I try to spread it smoothly on the bread but she totally picks it off)
I would leave the wanting to sit next to dd alone. I get it, it is mother's day but on the flip side, you see dd all the time and she doesn't. It sounds like this brunch was a special get together. We don't all get what we want, sit next to who we want etc. It just sounds immature. I'm sure it bothered you more because it was MIL and her past behavior
The disappearing and over grandmothering sucks, and is weird. There is no way around it, I doubt she is going to change. Try to see it in a good light, they are having special time. Perhaps arrange it as such, create time for them just to be together. My husband was really really close with his dads mom (MIL and she had a terrbile relationship which made it weird and awkward to this day) My mom is really close to dd1, afterall we did name her after my mom. I love to send dd to her, and then get a pedicure
Use it to your advantage.
I am not saying she is a bad person, however, I think she needs to take things into consideration. Leaving my niece when she was pushing her on the swing to rush to my daughter to take her to the slide. Asking her if she could please take the butter away and she flat out ignored me and let her keep on eating it. I agree, I think she should have her one on one time but when we are all over to visit it would be nice to be talked too and not be away when we are there. She also watches my DD once a week when I am at work so she does have her alone time with her. I feel that she needs to listen to my needs. My own mother listens to what I want for my DD and I thought usually its the other way around. I know that if my DD has a child I would not do things to her child that would make her feel uncomfortable. My dd is 3 now and it's been going on since the day she was born. I know I am not the only one who sees it, my family does and my DH sees it as well. I just think I need to address to her but I don't want to hurt any feelings.
While I agree with the pps that these are "little" things, I very much agree with you on your two main points. #1- she should NOT be abandoning other grandchildren in swings to play with your DD or be playing grandchild favorites like that. This will just create tension between siblings (this is the case in my DH's family). #2- whether she thinks eating butter is fine or not, you are the parent and she must respect that. She should have removed the butter from your DD when asked to do so.
Who brings it up with her depends on your relationship with her. If you feel comfortable doing so, definitely bring it up yourself with solid examples (and make sure your DH knows that this conversation is taking place- if he would like to be a part of it or not, etc). I get not wanting to hurt anyones feelings, but it appears that your feelings are repeatedly being hurt also (I am sure your MIL doesn't realize this) and your DH should be concerned about that as well.
My MIL is Satan Barbie so I guess hearing your stories, they just don't sound too bad.
With that said you are the mom and you are entitled to your feelings. If you feel it is getting out of hand than you need to work something out with your DH. You stated he doesn't want to get involved, IMO that is too bad. If you just tell her your feelings she will probably assume you hate her and want to start WW3. It needs to come from you both and you need to be reasonable about things. Don't just say you spend too much time with my child. Rather say, we have rules in our home and we need you to follow them. This includes things like not letting her eat things we feel are inappropriate.
In my experience pick the hills to die on but I wouldn't fight the little things (like her sitting next to your daughter on Mother's Day). It will only lead to non-stop discord. And again you need to get your husband on board and he needs to represent your feelings or she will likely take it personal.
Is your DD, her 1st grandchild cause that might explain the favoring side. I believe that most ppl play favorites, I would feel lucky that your MIL CARES! Just saying cause some others DON'T!!!!!
OMG...we have the same MIL. She's obsessed with our son..he's the last grandbaby and my DH is her youngest son. It's just odd...I honestly think that she thinks she's completely in charge of DS when she is with him and does whatever she wants despite my wishes. DH is now almost 5. My advice is handle it NOW. I no longer see MIL much and she is not welcome in our home. It finally blew up bad about 1 1/2 years ago. It has caused huge problems in our marriage.
I guess as far as handling it, you need to start setting boundaries. SHe continues to push and push and there are no boundaries. If you wanted to sit next to DD you should have said, "oh, she's going to sit here"...period. No room for discussion. I can tell you I started doing the boundary thing with my MIL and she got really mad. That's what made her blow because she had no control anymore and I wasn't putting up with it. I also think that your DH has to be involved completely and he should handle as much of this as possible. You two have to decide what the bondaries are together and stand as a united front. You should also have a password...when she's doing it, give GH the password and let him handle it immediately. I would also decide how you can eliminate the situations from happening. For example if it's easier to control in your house, then only invite her there. For me we do restaurants....neutral turf and I know we won't be there long. I don't want her at my house because she does whatever she wants and it's offensive and rude.
All I can say after going through this for several years is that it stinks. It is a huge source of tension at every family event and holiday. I hope you can find a way to handle it better than we did. Don't wait though. I also don't think I would talk to SIL about it. I would keep it between you and DH.
Thank you for the response. I understand that everyone keeps saying that I should be lucky that she loves my DD, that is not the point! I am very happy that she loves her. I feel that she is over stepping some boundaries with me. I talked it over with the hubby last night and we are going to just say things out loud for her to hear but it is not going to be directly towards her to hurt any feelings. I feel that this is a step to try it out and hopefully she will get the hints that we say around her. Thanks for your responses everyone!!
Hi there -- lurker from School-Aged Children. I agree with ecoppins' statements above. I think your MIL's behavior falls into the "annoying but not wrong" category.
Furthermore, I would urge you NOT to discuss this "problem" with your FIL or your SIL. It's almost a guarantee that the FIL, especially, will go right to MIL and give his version of your conversation. In that retelling, he will almost certainly not take your side. Your SIL might secretly feel the same way about your MIL, but nothing good will come of the two of you discussing it behind MIL's back.
My own mom is fairly obsessed with DD, her oldest (and longed for) granddaughter. It's annoying at times because my mom has, without realizing it, butted her way into some special moments that I felt I should have "dibs" on as a mom. My DD's first Easter eggs were done with Grandma, she always hovered over the opening of the Christmas presents, she has run out and purchased many gifts that DH and I wanted to be able to give without asking, etc. However, on the other hand, it's nice to have a Grandma around who truly LOVES spending time with my kids. She has provided literally HUNDREDS of hours of free babysitting over the past ten years. My DD's life has certainly been enriched by having a doting Grandma who actually WANTS to play "kitty cat" or "dress up the dolly" a thousand times. All in all, I have just come to accept that the most important thing is that my DD has a Grandma who really, really wants to be with her. That's more important than my feelings.
Three things:
1. What you describe is really not that bad. Like wanting DD to sit next to her at the breakfast. Disappearing to go play together. I think that sounds like a wonderful relationship between a granddaughter and grandmother. Enjoy it. Like pp said, go get a pedicure or something. I really don't see any of what you described in that respect (more on the butter and abandonment of the other GD later) as a "bad" thing. I would just be happy that they are so close. That is a great thing. If you think she is horning in on the little time you get with DD, start setting up specific times to see them so you give yourself that time alone with your DD. Otherwise, let it go.
2. The Butter Incident: if this kind of thing is common, where you say "please do/don't let her do X" and she just blatantly ignores you, time for your DH to comb the house, find his cajones and talk to his mother about respecting your and his wishes as the PARENTS and that if she disagrees with what you are requesting, she can talk to you all in private but there is to be no questioning or undermining of your parental authority in front of the kids. This is a clear boundary issue and one that should be set.
3. The Neglect of the Other GC: I will say I see this ALL.THE.TIME. On my side of the family, my sister's kids are the clear favorites. On DH's side of the family, right now our kids are the clear favorites (time will tell how this goes once SIL has kids). I was one of the favorites of my mom's parents while my sister and brother were with my dad's. It is pretty common in most families quite frankly. There is nothing you can do (i.e you can't make your MIL like her other GC more or less) and I think trying to "talk" about it with your SIL will merely create more issues. If she brings it up, that is one thing but otherwise, not your duty to become the Family Equality Fairness Police. Let it go.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Thanks for the responses.