How do you know if it's baby blues or PPD?

biblionerd

I know there's a PPD board, but I feel more comfortable here. I just never thought I would be this way, but I feel like I'm losing my mind. I was great in the hospital, on a new-mom high I guess. I was scared to bring him home, but aren't a lot of first-time moms? It seems like right at the 1 week old mark on Wednesday things just started getting bad. First would be just waves of sadness or hormones or whatever it is. DH was changing DS and he peed up at him and I started cracking up- we both laugh our butts off every time it happens. He said something that was probably completely innocent, but I started bawling like a baby. Just something like "well the first time he does it to you I'll make sure I laugh at you too". I know he didn't mean it the way I took it, but all of a sudden I felt like I wasn't doing enough, wasn't good enough, and was completely overwhelmed.

Pretty much  ever since then I've been a mess. I think I've cried at least 1/3 of the time I've been awake today. I knew it would be different, but I'm just having a hard time coping with the fact that EVERYTHING is different. My normal routine is obviously completely out the window. I haven't been able to take care of my horses. DH and I used to go outside to the barn together and we can't now because I don't think I can leave Linus inside alone sleeping. I love him to death- so much I can't explain it, but I'm still just sad that things are so completely out of whack. I feel so helpless, like I can't control anything and I miss the way a lot of things used to be. I'm already terrified at the thought of DH going back to work and feel so alone. I don't know if any of this or all of this is normal baby blues that will go away or if it's PPD. I feel embarrassed to talk to DH about it, like I'm not a good mom or that I don't love Linus enough. I guess I'm just having a hard time coping with change. I feel like I was so much better as a pregnant person than a mom. I knew it would be hard, but I never expected to feel so useless. 

BF'ing is so hard on me. I feed him for 40 minutes then still have to give him a bottle. I feel so lonely just sitting with Linus for hours at a time. As soon as I'm done changing and feeding it starts all over again and I haven't even had time to eat. When I do have time to eat I have no appetite. I don't know how much weight loss is normal, but I've lost 20 lbs in just over a week. I have a horrible headache that won't go away even with my prescription Ibuprofen. I stare at him for hours while he's sleeping just to make sure he's still breathing. He wheezes and is congested and the Dr. said it's normal. I don't know if it's because of his stay in the nicu, but I keep having these morbid thoughts that something's going to happen to him. I just thought I would be on cloud nine celebrating my little man who we fought so hard to get. 

Scout05

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I know I cry a great deal these days - from exhaustion, from feeling overwhelmed, from second-guessing every thing I'm doing. I often just sit here and feel like I'm already screwing up at the whole mom thing.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm FFing, and feel like I'm not doing it right. I keep mis-reading how much she needs, so I'm either throwing away expensive formula or scrambling to make up another bottle while she screams. My point being - we all feel like this, no matter how we're going about taking care of LO. It's just not an obvious thing.

The best thing you can do is talk about how you're feeling - to DH, your mom, sister, friends, doctor, any one who you trust to offer you support and encouragement. Also, take the opportunity to let someone else watch LO for a bit so you can sleep, run an errand, read a book. Whatever. We need to recharge, and that doesn't make you a bad mom.

And if you really think it's getting bigger than you, seek help. I am still seeing our grief counselor, and she's helping me navigate these new emotions as well. I don't think I have PPD, but talking it out with her has helped nonetheless.

shaindelr

Scout05:

The best thing you can do is talk about how you're feeling - to DH, your mom, sister, friends, doctor, any one who you trust to offer you support and encouragement. Also, take the opportunity to let someone else watch LO for a bit so you can sleep, run an errand, read a book. Whatever. We need to recharge, and that doesn't make you a bad mom.

And if you really think it's getting bigger than you, seek help. I am still seeing our grief counselor, and she's helping me navigate these new emotions as well. I don't think I have PPD, but talking it out with her has helped nonetheless.

This. Exactly. I'm making a quick run to the store just because it keeps me sane to just get out of the house by myself for a little bit. I don't know what the weather's like there right now, but try to take Linus out in a baby sling...maybe just to look at the horses and talk to him about them. Sometimes doing less baby-centric stuff helps--like I read to Liam out loud something that I'm reading just so I'm not just reading baby books.

From your previous posts it sounds like your DH and family are really supportive, so definitely talk to them. A few times I've just burst out crying to Jared that I get SO LONELY being home alone all day with a baby (and Jared takes college classes MWF only and only works part time a few hours a night). If he were at work 40 hours a week, I'm sure I'd be worse. But since then, we've started going out for walks together with Liam in a baby sling and going out for a drink or appetizer once a week with Liam with us. It helps a lot.

Hugs!

campbaby76

I agree with the pps. But I wanted to say that I gave the same morbid thoughts, I think it is because we almost lost our baby. I do think it is worth talking to your ob or midwife about. I also wanted to say that good parents are parents that question whether or not they are good parents. I was thinking also that there might be a neighborhood kid that could come and sit in the house while your baby sleeps so that you can go at least see your horses. I have learned that it is ok to ask for help, people even appreciate being asked. Hope that helps.

ellaNu630

I could have pretty much written this word for word. Because we're still in that transitioning period, I think the best thing any of us feeling this way can do is make sure we let someone know how we feel so they can help keep a look out in case it's not simply baby blues and instead something bigger.

For me, I have such an alpha personality that it's driving me crazy that I can't control situations. Today poor LO was drenched from me crying over him for an hour because he was being fussy and I had no idea how to calm him down.

I'm sure it will get easier for us, but for our sake and our babies, it's important that we don't try and just deal with it and lean on our support systems.

MG7

Being a mom is really hard work. There is no parenting book that is specific to your child so you have to write your own as you go along. At first being a new mom is very lonely, I can't imagine how much more lonely it must have been for our moms who didn't have Internet strangers to vent to, laugh with and ask questions to. There is a lot of self doubt for even those of us who have done this before. I constantly find myself questioning if there is something wrong with DS even though I know there really isn't anything to question.

The constant routine can really get to you, just doing the same thing over and over day in and day out can be rough for someone who is used to working in their former life. But remember that each day your LO is growing and learning new things about their world and about themselves. Before you know it your LO will smile when you pick him up from his crib, he'll coo at you when you talk to him and it will melt your heart over and over. 

I think that a lot of us have the morbid thoughts everyonce in a while, I can't tell you how many times I accidently woke up DS1 from naps to make sure he was still breathing. I've learned my lesson and don't do it anymore with this baby...well I don't do it nearly as much. 

I think you should probably give your dr/midwife a call. S/he will be able to help you out and get things back on track. Remember this is part of their job, their care of you doesn't end the second you birth your baby. It's hard to remember that as moms we need to take care of ourselves but we really do.

SushiNoMore

I would talk to your doctor about your headache if you haven't already.  That was one of the warning signs that they told me about when I left the hospital.  You shouldn't have a massive headache.

As for the PPD, I don't really know what to tell you.  I have wave of anger, but not sadness.  Have you asked your husband what he thinks?  Maybe having an outsider perspective will help.  Or, maybe hang in there for another week and see if you feel any better?

Good luck, and lots of hugs! 

GHBEA

HUGS

If it goes beyond two weeks its usually ppd.  I had it with my second and are keeping tabs on it for this time.  It can show up weeks after the birth of a baby.  If you feel so upset, having these thoughts or anything else out of your normal relm call your OB. THEY are there to help you and want you to call them if you need them.

Talk to your DH how you feel, you might be surprised how understanding your DH can be.  He might even have suggestions.  My DH has been a HUGE supporter and I am so thankful he is here for me. 

Being a new mom is hard even if it's not your first child.  Olivia is my third and I'm finding things to be hard at times.

Can you take your LO out to the barn in a carrier or stroller just so you can see your horses?   I bet getting out of the house will help you alot.

Good luck HUGS again. 

RachieTK

I had the blues for about 3 weeks.  I cried almost every day, mostly about not being able to breast feed due to supply issues and a lot of weight loss for LO.  It hit me out of nowhere, and I could not control it.  But most days, it was just once per day, usually in the late evening, when the day's difficulties hit me hard.  If you're crying as much as you are, it doesn't matter if you call it blues or PPD, you should talk to someone.  My OB asked me at my 3 week visit how I was doing, and made it clear that he is there for me if I need to talk or need a referral for someone to talk to on a more consistent basis.  At the 3 week and 2 day mark, I snapped out of it, and didn't end up talking to anyone... but you might want to think about it.  I'd start with a call to your OB if you're comfortable with him/her.

biblionerd

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate having people to "talk" to that are at similar stages with all of this motherhood stuff! DH got home after I wrote my post and was came in the nursery with all of the stuff my mom sent home with him for Linus. As soon as he sat down he said "you looked depressed. Are you okay?" I just started crying. He asked if I thought it was just hormones or if we should call the Dr. Apparently they talked to him in the hospital about warning signs to watch out for, which I thought was nice. I could hardly talk honestly and just told him that I felt really overwhelmed and was really sad all the time. He said he was there whenever I was ready to talk more.

I took Linus out to the barn for the first time tonight. Thanks for the push! It felt really nice. I couldn't do anything out there, but just going out there with DH was such a tiny step towards feeling normal. We have the pack n' play set up in the living room tonight finally so I'm not holed up in the nursery. I even brought my laptop out here to just plain ol' sit and watch tv with DH. It's silly but I think we were just plain terrified to do anything with DS other than feed him and put him in his crib/rock n' play or hold him in the nursery for fear that he would just become inconsolable. I don't know... some weird comfort zone I guess. Thanks again!

BBColt78

Hey hon,

I remember feeling the exact same way. The first week the was hardest. I was crying and crying and worried that I would never go back to normal. Slowly things got better, and I noticed it did when I started doing things that I normally did before LO was here.

I love Scout's reply. She's so right. I too am FF now and I still feel like it's all I do and I'm not doing it right. I constantly mixing, throwing away, and cleaning bottles. I have not doubt that BFing plays a little more into it because you are doing it alone.

It looks like you were able to talk to YH. Keep talking to him and keep talking here  

HUGS!

darceyf

I'm so glad you posted this!  I was sobbing while reading this feeling almost relieved that I wasn't the only one!  I had a c-section(not planned) and felt guilty about not being able to hold my baby right away or even be able to experience the happy emotions when she was born because I was so drugged up.  Now, because of the incision, I feel that I can't move around as well, can't shower the same way, and really things havent' been "normal" since we got home.  My husband just went back to work today and I sobbed last night thinking about how I have to do it on my own today.  I know it will get better, it's just so overwhelming to see laundry build up, or my floors needing to be vacuumed/swept, and not have the time to do it because I'm tired. 

 If the crying for me doesn't stop by Monday I'm calling my OB and talking to her about it.  I just feel that I'm missing out on the special moments by being upset all the time (which makes me more upset...)  I hope that you find the balance that you need and please share how you do that!

MG7

I'm glad you got a chance to talk to your DH about everything that's been bothering you. Sometimes the smallest things can make a world of difference in helping us to feel better.

As the weather starts getting nicer and you start feeling more able to do things take Linus out for walks even if it's just around your backyard. We all need a little fresh air every now and then too.