WWYD? DS's friend (UPDATE)

joy143dh

Obsessed may be a little harsh, but I'll let you be the judge of that...  (I'll try to make this short and quote where possible so it's obvious what I'm being told vs. my impression....)  

David has had a very good friend, "Jack", since preschool. Jack moved up to PreK 4 months before David. David was sad but happy that they still played in the afternoons together (PS and PreK share a playground).   But when Jack moved up, I was told by David's PS teacher that Jack was "having a hard time in PreK without his friend, David"     When David moved up to PreK, all the teachers mentioned how happy Jack was and how Jack became "more outgoing with David there".   

Since David has been in PreK for 5 months, the two are "inseperable on the playground" (I don't know if she meant in the classroom too).    A few weeks ago, David said on the way home "Casey wanted to play the lava game, but Jack says it's just for 2 kids, not 3" .  Since then, he's mentioned a few other times where Jack apparently doesn't let other kids play with them when David wants to play with a larger group of kids.

When I see Jack's mom at drop off she always seems relieved that David is there.   There are 2 days that Jack is there when David isn't, but his teachers tell me that Jack knows that Mon & Wed means David will be there and gets very upset when he's not there.   When David was in FL last week, Jack's mom emailed me to find out when we'd be back because Jack was having "really bad dropoffs".    Monday, when I picked David up, Jack was at the fence with his arms through the fence, yelling "Bye David" over and over.  David sort of gave him the side eye and said "bye", softly and once (as if he was annoyed).  

This morning at dropoff, (we were a little late to school), one of the teachers was in the corner with a crying Jack "for an hour" because "he was afraid David wasn't coming".

Jack is a really nice kid - polite, kind, not a troublemaker.  His mom is great, too.  Other than the thought that Jack may be obsessed with my kid, he makes a really great friend.     Plus, David likes Jack (maybe not as much as Jack likes David though).    Problem is that I'm starting to feel like Jack is "hoarding" David and that his friendship may not be healthy.   I don't want David to feel like he can't be friends with anyone else.  And in another year, the two will be seperated again because Jack will go to a different Kindergarten.  

I'm thinking about talking with the PreK teachers to find out if David has trouble playing with the other kids on Friday (when Jack isn't there) and to see if they feel like their friendship is healthy.  Am I overreacting?  Would you be concerned?

DandelionMom

Asking the teachers isn't an overreaction at all.  I'd probably be curious about that situation too.  I'd reserve *concern* until after I spoke to the teachers.

justEK

Okay, I was going to say we are sort of going through the same thing with DD and her friend at school. Then I read on.

I would talk to the teachers and explain to David that it's okay to play with other people, too.

We have issues with DD and her BFF. DD used to come home and tell me that ____ wouldn't let her play with so and so. Or that BFF would get really mad or sad if DD wanted to play with anyone else. When I told DD it was okay to play with other kids, she said she didn't want to make ____ sad.

I let the teacher know what was going on and asked if it was normal. She didn't really say much, but told me she'd keep an eye on them. Since then, I still remind DD it's okay to play with others. She now does and so does her BFF.

DaiLyght

If I were you, I wouldn't be *too* concerned, however I would suggest talking with either the teachers or even better, the director. I'm sure they're aware the problem exists, but reaching out is a nice thing. Really though, the issue lies with Jack, so there's not a whole lot you can, or should, do. When you talk to them, keep it short and simple and angled towards David. Jack is not your main concern, but rather how it is effecting David, so keep that in mind.

Jodi&Joe

I wouldn't be concerned except it sounds like Jack is limiting the # of people your son can play with and since, at this age, socialization is what they are there for -- yea, I'd be concerned.

I don't think it hurts to mention it to the teacher and see what their impression is.  Maybe they could limit the amount of time that Jack and David spend with each other.  I know that would be hard to convince them to do because, it sounds, then Jack is going to be a basketcase during the time but that's really not fair to David.

We had to limit Joey's time with C....but that was b/c they were trouble makers together! LOL  But we told Joey that he wasn't to hang out with C all the time anymore and that he had to sit in a different seat than him on the bus.  He did both and it worked beautifully.  But we had the teachers buy in and they knew what we were discussing at home.

So maybe start with the teachers, see what they say and then also ask David how he feels about ONLY playing with Jack all the time.  If he has issues with it, then let him know that it's ok for him to play with other kids and he can let Jack know that he will play with him later.

Good luck!

skippy2310

There are 2 or 3 friend "groups" in DS's class. One little boy was getting left out a lot, partially because of the other kids excluding him, partially because he prefers to play alone. DS's teachers had "mixed up friend day" so that everyone had to play with someone that they normally wouldn't. Maybe something like that would help?

joy143dh

Ladies, thanks for your advice.  You verified what I've been feeling for quite some time now but really wasn't sure how to voice it.   I also was trying to look at it from all angles because I know David really likes playing with Jack - just not when Jack gets that way. I also didn't want to be "that mom" that interferes with her kids' friends - but then again, he's 4 and we send him to preschool/prek for the social interaction, so it's ok for me to step in.

Coincidentally, the director called ME yesterday to tell me my autopayments have been over by $18/wk for over a year! I have a $1000+ credit!!! sweet.  Anyway, I mentioned my concern about Jack being a bit of a friend-blocker and asked if D has trouble playing with the other kids on Friday when J isn't there.  (The director spends a LOT of time in the Pre-K room and playground, so I felt comfortable talking to her about it.)  She said that they have noticed that J can be "possessive", but that D doesn't seem to be bothered by it and appears to have no problem playing with the other kids on Friday.   

Now that they know that D is bothered by J's possessiveness, they will work on organizing some activities where they have to play with other kids.   I told her that I don't want to break them up completely, just give D the tools to break away if he wants too, and she totally understood.   As far as J's reaction to D not being at school or being late, I told her I'm concerned for J, but that's not something I can control.   She must have spoken to the 2 teachers right away about it bc when I picked up D, he and J were sitting at different tables playing letter bingo with the class - a very strange sight bc they are usually attached to the hip.  One of the teachers winked and smiled as if D was OK with the arrangement, so I felt much better.

We'll see how this goes.  A part of me is scared for D. If J finds another friend and becomes possessive of someone else (the director warned that this sometime's happens), D will miss J.  I have no doubt that D can make other friends - the other kids in class all seem to like him - but I would be sad for him if J "dumps" him - although perhaps that would be for the best if J is so possessive.