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VBAC
blessedandhopeful
member
emotions after c-section (somewhat long)
blessedandhopeful
member
in VBAC
I'm posting this here because everyone on this board has obviously experienced a c-section.
I'll admit, I've kind of had the baby blues since having LO a little over a week ago. My crying/anxiety/etc. has been focused on several specific aspects of life, but one of the most (currently) difficult for me has been the fact that I had a c-section. I went in (induced at 41 weeks), knowing it was a possibility since I was only 1cm/50% when I was admitted into the hospital, but I was fairly confident that the pitocin would do its job, and I'd have my baby vaginally. After 12 hours of painful contractions that weren't doing much of anything (I went from 1cm to 3cm, no change in effacement), I was exhausted and felt like I was somewhat going out of my mind thanks to the mix of almost constant pain and the effects of nubane. I was told I couldn't get an epidural until at least 4cm. Well, at the 12 hour mark, I was stuck at 3 cm with no conceivable end in sight, and my options were wait it out and see if I could make it, or have a c-section. Due to the intensity of the contractions and the fact that it was so slow going, I just couldn't mentally handle it anymore. I went for the c-section. It turns out LO was sunny side up, which I know can cause some complications and delay as far as progressing goes, so on the one hand I feel like there was a true reason to have the c-section. On the other hand, I have felt somewhat disappointed in myself for "giving up," or being a wimp. I read about so many ladies who labor for so much longer than I did, or ladies who had to have an emergency c-section, and I put myself down for feeling so weak. I know where I was mentally when I made the decision, and I am pretty confident I couldn't have pushed myself much further without a certain end (epidural or progress) in sight. Those weren't certain, so I guess I feel like I took the easy way out? I don't know. I also keep telling myself that I'd be doing so much more now if I hadn't had a c-section because I have to "deal with" the incision healing, whereas it'd just be my plain ole flabby belly if I'd had him naturally.
I guess there isn't a true point to my post, other than to get this out and see if anyone else felt this way after their c-section. How long did it take you to come to terms with everything? I am pretty sure I want to attempt a VBAC for our next baby, but that's at least a few years down the road at this point. 
TIA
This discussion has been closed.
Re: emotions after c-section (somewhat long)
(hugs) I think many of us have had a lot of emotional baggage come with our c/s. I wondered what else I could have tried to make my induction successful, or what if I had really pushed to wait, or had a doula, or... you get the picture.
Don't beat yourself up. We all do what we feel is necessary or the best choice at the time with the information that we are given. We're also always hardest on ourselves. I don't think anyone here or elsewhere thinks you are a wimp or weak for going through 12 hours of pitocin induced contractions. That is nothing to scoff at.
I don't know that I have any great words of wisdom of how to get over your emotions - I don't know that I really did until my more empowering birth experience. However, it always gave me strength knowing that there were many other women out there who were feeling the same way and who had been similar experiences.
Also, don't feel guilty about what you're able to do. You need to take care of yourself in order to keep your LO healthy and happy. Even with my VBAC, my body was still healing at 2 wks pp. Your LO doesn't need much at this age - just love and the security of having you or your DH caring for him. This c/s won't define your relationship with your child or what kind of parent you are - you have time to develop both of those 'stories'.
I know, too, that a baby that is in the wrong position can cause a lot of pain! And everyone's pain threshold is different in many ways! So there isn't really much of a way to judge whether you gave up before someone else would have. For instance, in some ways I have a high pain tolerance,but since I have a bit of needle phobia...that upsets me and makes me feel in pain probably more than it should. It's the same with other types of anticipated pains, too....like pelvic exams which I have been told hurt me more because my pubic bone is also small and narrow.
I wasn't really sad to have c-section because I felt I had lost out on virginal birth, but I was really ....shocked! I hadn't really planned for that possiblity so I felt that my mortatlity was really staring me in the face. I felt like I would have died if I had born before the 20th century! No time travel for me!
I also had a very difficult time dealing with my c-section. Couple that disappointment with the hormones going crazy in your body and it is no wonder you're feeling bad.
For me, it took a long time, but I am feeling more at peace with it. I suggest finding other people (like some of us) who feel the same way. one of the hardest parts for me was feeling so alone. I didn't know anyone my age who had a c-section, let alone felt badly about it. Now that I have posted some links on fb I am hearing from some of my friends that they understand and we have been able to talk about it. It has helped so much.
You could look into your local chapter of ICAN, they have meetings where you can meet others in the same boat. Mostly, just hang in there and be kind to yourself. You have every right to feel the disappointment you do and it doesn't mean that you love your son any less.
(big hugs) Being a new mom is so hard, but being a new mom recovering from a c-section (both physically and emotionally) is really underestimated in our culture. I think you are ahead of where I was about 10 days postpartum, because I was so shocked by my experience I wasn't really connecting all the dots right away. It took me a while to connect my birth trauma/disappointment to my overall mood and coping with being a new mom. So, I think you have early awareness going for you. You've also found sympathetic ears here who get it. For a long time I didn't have a sounding board besides my DH. While he is a sensitive guy and listened to me, nothing replaces another mom who's been there. My family downplayed the effect of my c-section for a long time, so I didn't have a lot of people who really heard me out. Ultimately, I found talking about the birth and its disappointments was most therapeutic. I did see a counselor for a while, but the most healing thing honestly was figuring out I wasn't alone.... finding moms here who'd experienced similar things and eventually getting pregnant again and finding a midwife who really "gets" what I went through the first time and is 100% supportive of not just VBAC but making my next birth the best it can be from all angles, for everyone involved.
So, step one....please don't call yourself weak. You are strong, even if you don't feel it now. Think, you came home from the hospital and cared for your new baby while recovering from major surgery. You didn't take the easy way out by any means. Surgery takes a long time to recover from! I know it's so hard to second guess ourselves about the circumstances of our deliveries (the what ifs). I spent a long time wondering what if I had refused my induction (also at 41 wks like yours), what if I had waited for spontaneous labor, what if I had known to refuse having my water broken right after they started the pit, what if I had delayed getting the epidural, etc. At the end of the day all that loop does is make me feel like it was my fault. We all make choices, and yes, I would make different choices today if I had my first pregnancy to do over again. But, I don't. So I have to let go of the choices I made the first time (including my OB), and use my experience from last time to hopefully influence a better outcome this time. I know it is pretty crazy to expect someone less than two weeks out to be able to "let go" of the what ifs ... but I'm just putting it out there as a longer term goal. It took me a very long time to let go of my self doubt and criticism from the first time, probably 16 months or so. I hope you are able to be gentler on yourself and move through the doubt sooner.
The most important thing right now is to take good care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. You're not alone and your feelings are valid. In time, it will get better. You'll have ups and downs. We're always here to listen and offer our experiences/advice. Again, (hugs).
Big hugs.
I can totally relate to how you are feeling right now and I know a lot of us on this board can. The best advice I've seen anyone post is to be kind to yourself. You wouldn't judge another mother for this situation, and you don't deserve to be judged for it. An induction with a sunny side up baby is HELL, and you did great. The people who went longer in labor without meds weren't having your labor and you just can't compare two people's experiences.
It took me a while to come to terms with my c/s. I had good days and bad days and I definitely went through a grieving process, but what's important is that it really does get better. I did make peace with it and you can too. Take care of yourself in the coming months and don't be afraid to ask for help. And feel free to post on this board as you heal--physically and emotionally. I know it's a bump cliche but this board really is here for support.
As others have said, do not call yourself weak. Someone will have always had a worse experience, but it's not a competition, and you don't have to prove anything. You did the best you could with what you had, and that's all anyone could have asked for. I will also say, though, that anyone who has not had a posterior (sunny side up) baby, just has NO IDEA. I have had people tell me things like "oh, labor isn't that painful" or "it isn't that bad." I correct them. "YOUR labor wasn't that painful" or "it WASN'T that bad FOR YOU". They did not have your labor and they do NOT KNOW. Do NOT let anyone else say something like that and make you feel like you could have done differently. Having now been through two labors, both girls almost exactly the same size, but one sunny side up and one not, they were orders of magnitude different.
It took time for me to be at peace with what happened, but it DOES get better. ((((hugs))))
Don't beat yourself up, you did the best you could and made the decision that was best for you and your baby at that time. That's really all that matters. Every labor is different and everyone handles pain differently, you aren't weak at all. 12 hours of labor with a sunny side up baby wouldn't be fun for anyone.
And I know it's hard not to look back and wonder how much better you'd be feeling right now if you hadn't had the c-section....but just know that all vaginal births aren't wonderful either, I'm proof of that! With my situation, I can't help but wonder if I'd done the repeat c-section if I would have had a better experience. I had a wonderfully successful VBAC when you look at just the delivery. But during labor I had a failed epidural that they had to redo...in all I think they stuck me 6 times to get it to completely work. So they got it to work, I had the VBAC, then I developed a spinal headache. It's from spinal fluid leaking out...no wonder it happened to me from all those holes they created!
To get rid of the headache they do another procedure where they do an epidural and inject your own blood in to close up the leak. They did that once and it worked and we were discharged on time. The headache came back that night and I was readmitted to the hospital the next day. I spent more than 48 hours in the hospital alone while my DH was at home with the baby. I had two more procedures done to try to get rid of the headache. I was on complete flat bedrest the whole time. I couldn't pump, so by the time I was released I couldn't get any sort of supply established to breastfeed and we were forced to formula feed. I had my heart set on bfing, so I can't help but wonder if I'd had the c-section and only one spinal done if we would have had a better outcome.
So things can happen in any delivery that are not ideal, so don't beat yourself up over the decision you had to make. Hang in there!
The first few weeks are really tough. Your hormones are running wild. It's very normal to feel anxious, sad, and depressed, especially in the evenings. You will probably start to feel a little better in a couple more weeks. If you don't, it's definitely worth talking to your doctor.
As for the feelings of failure, those will be harder to work through. My story was very similar to yours. 16 months later, I still feel like a gave up. I was tired, nothing was happening, and I consented to the c/s. Every time I have incision pain, I get mad at myself. You have to remember, that everyone's experiences are different. My induction lasted for 60 hours, but most of them I was watching TV and reading with very mild cramping. So, # of hours doesn't really tell the whole story.
I have found only three things that have helped me heal somewhat:
- time - as they say, "time heals all wounds"
- hearing other C/S and VBAC stories. I love hanging out on the VBAC board and talking about our shared experiences.
- studying VBACs and mapping my plan for a successful VBAC.
Try to enjoy this time getting to know your baby.
I couldn't agree more. The worst part of my recent delivery was still nothing compared to the pain of early labor with my sunny side up labor.
i definitely went through all those same emotions. I have a general high tolerance for pain and am generally a very outspoken person and through my L&D process with my first son, i felt like i "let myself down" in both aspects, i gave in to the pain and i didn't speak up for myself when interventions were pushed on me. you can't change what has happened, you have to find some way to forgive yourself (even though you did nothing wrong) and try to find ways to cope with it.
In some ways preparing for a hopeful vbac with this pregnancy (i'm due 5/13) has brought up a lot of those issues again of dissapointment in myself etc. But it has also been somewhat healing for me. I'm learning things that I didn't know then, i really didn't know better the first time around. I think that in my preparation for this birth I have found my "voice" again if that makes sense. I am very vocal in my OB appointments and with my husband about what my wishes are for this birth. I have hired a doula to help me through labor and asked my one sister to be in the room with me as well. The first time around i let my pride get in the way and i thought for sure i could "go it alone" and didn't need anyone telling me what to do etc. The truth is, i really needed the help and I have opened myself up to it this time.
big hugs and I hope you find some peace with everything soon.
I have beaten myself up about having a c-section at 41 weeks and 1 day. The doctors didn't know what his position was other than he was head down. I went in the night before they put me on pitocin, to get cervadil inserted. Turns out I was only about a 2 and still 50% at 8:00am when they started pitocin. My contractions were not as strong as I thought they would be and went 10 hours on pitocin without an epidural, because in all reality they were not as bad as what I thought they were. All my fiances family said all the while I was laying in the hospital bed, "it will be so much easier to have a c-section, just go ahead and get a c-section, why are you willing to put yourself through induction just get a c-section". This may sound weird, but I wanted to feel the pain that everyone talked about. I wanted to know that the pain I was putting myself through would all work out and in the end I would have a beautiful baby to show for it, instead of going for the "easy way out". I know a c-section isn't the "easy way out", it hurts. There were days where all I wanted to do was get up and clean or go for a walk but I couldn't because I have an cut the size of texas in my stomach. I bugged the nurses to let me get up and walk, I wanted to feel human again even if I took 10 hours to get up on my feet.
There were so many emotions going through my head, I was hurt, scared, nervous, the "what ifs" kept going through my mind. Then I thought about the spinal and was even more nervous and scared, the thought of being paralyzed all of it.
I just think of the beautiful baby that came out of all this and he is my heart and soul, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
I posted this article a while ago but I thought you might like to read it. I found that it was accurate to my experience and how I felt about my c-section and I've used it to help explain to others how I've felt.
https://birthingbeautifulideas.com/?p=142 (sorry its not linky)
FWIW, it will get a little better when you are more healed and not feeling the physical pain as much. Turning point for me was 2 weeks. Take care of yourself and hugs.