advice please

Daniellepolito

Hi,

I'm hoping you don't mind me posting on your board- I just need a little advice to avoid possibly being insensitive to a friend. If it's inappropriate for me to post here, I'm very sorry in advance.

A close friend of mine had a m/c in March and has just gotten the okay to start trying again.  They are actively trying and excited to hopefully have good news again soon.  She's been really positive throughout everything and very open-- but obviously I don't know how she REALLY feels, only what she tells me.

The advice part- I'm taking a "happiest baby on the block" class soon and my husband is unable to attend due to work. I am allowed to bring a "support person" and thought it might be nice if my friend was able to come since she will hopefully benefit from the information in the near future.

Do you think she would like to come? or would it be hard for her to be in a room full of pregnant women?  would she feel like it would "jinx" things?  I can totally see all sides of this and really don't want to hurt her feelings in anyway- shes been through enough.

Thank you so much for any insight you can give me and again, i'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this.

JoAnna914

I, too, had a miscarriage in March, and if not for the fact that I got pregnant again right away, for me, now would probably be too soon.  However, if a friend of mine asked me to go with her to this, I would not be offended at all, and would be really glad she was comfortable enough to ask me - I would just simply decline the invitation and ask for her understanding.  What would piss me off is people tip-toeing around me, making decisions about what I can and can't handle without asking for my input. 

So my advice is to just ask her - let her make the decision for herself - but let her know you totally understand if she's not up for it.

Edited to add:  The fact that you were sensitive enough to even think about her feelings before asking her is going to show through when you talk to her - you're a good friend, and I'm sure she will think so, too.

eli_and_jeff

Everyone is different. After my first m/c I was really hopeful and would have loved to go to a class like that with a good friend who was pregnant. After my second, I couldn't even look at babies.

I'd go ahead and ask your friend if she'd like to attend with you, for two reasons: first, she might really enjoy it; second, if she's in a bad place and isn't sharing, she might open up to you, and it really helps to talk it out. I'd also tell her just what you told us, that you're inviting her because you think she'll be able to benefit from the information in the near future (it helps to hear) and that you don't want her to do it if it will upset her.

lotus88

I agree. I'd ask her. One of the worst things about recovering from a m/c is how people pussyfoot around you or completely ignore that it happened. Just tell her why you thought of her, but that you understand if she didn't feel comfortable doing it at this point. I wouldn't have been ready, but maybe she's in a different place. Good luck.

ColleenS629

I guess everyone is different. I would have been way too upset to go to the class or even to think about going if I was asked. I'm talking right after my m/c or 7 months after my m/c. I just couldn't be around pregnant women without dying inside.

jamilynn9

Very nice of you to consider her feelings.  Personally, I wouldn't want to go.  As excited as I was to conceive, being in a room of pregnant women would make me sad.  I talk about my miscarriage openly with those who knew about it, but I still don't think I'd be able to be in a room to prepare for childbirth/parenting without being brought to tears.

Daniellepolito

Thank you so much ladies!  I think I'll ask her and let her know that I understand if she's not up to it.  I agree that it's best to let her make her own decision and I'm sure she'll be honest with me if it's just too much too soon.  I really appreciate your insight and I'll understand/support whichever she chooses. You all are really wonderful!

maymaymia

Daniellepolito:

Thank you so much ladies!  I think I'll ask her and let her know that I understand if she's not up to it.  I agree that it's best to let her make her own decision and I'm sure she'll be honest with me if it's just too much too soon.  I really appreciate your insight and I'll understand/support whichever she chooses. You all are really wonderful!

First off, you are a great friend for thinking so much about her feelings. And I think asking her would be fine as long as you do the bolded and address her loss and how you understand how she might be hurting too much to go. That way she knows you are still aware of how much pain she is in and will understand if she can't.

Daniellepolito

maymaymia:

Daniellepolito:

Thank you so much ladies!  I think I'll ask her and let her know that I understand if she's not up to it.  I agree that it's best to let her make her own decision and I'm sure she'll be honest with me if it's just too much too soon.  I really appreciate your insight and I'll understand/support whichever she chooses. You all are really wonderful!

First off, you are a great friend for thinking so much about her feelings. And I think asking her would be fine as long as you do the bolded and address her loss and how you understand how she might be hurting too much to go. That way she knows you are still aware of how much pain she is in and will understand if she can't.

Junebug060609

Personally, when I was TTCAL there was NO WAY I'd have been able to handle going to a class like that.  Being around pregnant women was a huge reminder of what I'd lost and where I should be (had the first pregnancy stuck).  A class like that would've been a nightmare for me.

That said, you know her better than we do.  If you think she might be interested, ask.  Just be prepared for the possibility of a no if she feels it would be too much. 

sytom

I wouldn't be able to go and I would feel really bad to tell you that.  I hate myself for envying every naive pregnant ladies.  Even if I'm really happy I'm pregnant, I'm not able to enjoy it as I should.  I can't even imagine going to your class if I wasn't pregnant.  Plus, you should bring someone that can really be there for you a 100%.