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Adoption
My random thoughts
Let me first say, we have a few pictures of K on tables, but we don't bring attention to them.
Last weekend all of DH's family was at our house for Easter. At one point I overheard DH say, "Oh, that's K...R's first daughter." I think my SIL had asked who was in the picture on the table. Later that day I was thinking about what DH said. I was thinking about how he has pointed to the same picture and talking to E about "This is your half sister K." That is all he says, or he might add "She lives in Atlanta." Obviously E is too young to understand any of this. But it has never occurred to me that K and E are sisters. In my mind, E is my daughter and I gave birth to K, I am her birthmother but I am not her mom. She has a mom & a dad and a sister and brother. But just because I gave birth to her doesn't make her an extention of the family I have here in California. Does that make sense?
I always knew I would eventually have to talk to E about K, but I figured it would be in a more abstract sense. Like, I was living in Atlanta, K was born and adopted and then I moved to California, married your Daddy and then you were born (and hopefully your younger sibling). Now DH has me thinking that maybe I need to add or change it more. I haven't decided if that is a good or bad thing.
When my stepdad married my mom and adopted me, I just became a daughter, grandchild, niece, and then a sister. There was no step, or half before the titles. Now while some of my dad's family didn't like that, my grandmother as the matriarch said "This is how it is." So when E was adopted in my mind, she took those titles with her to her adopted family and I "sent" those titles with her.
Gosh, I have rambled longer than I planned. I hope some of that made some sense. Anyway..those are my random thoughts for the week (gosh maybe even the month).
Feel free to add your own random thoughts or comment on mind. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My random thoughts
I understand what you're saying.
Since E is pretty young and the big discussion isn't going to happen for awhile, you've got some time to get it all right in your head. I will tell you, after worki'ng with kids my whole life, they are very accepting of differences. If you were to say, I had K in my tummy and then she was adopted by her Mommy & Daddy, then a, b, and c, happened and then I had you" She would accept it. She'll probably ask some questions and you'll just answer them. Then she'll move on.
I know "the talk" will happen more than once and it will evolve with her age, but it's nothing that you can't handle. :-)
Adoption in and of itself is complicated, no matter the form it takes or where you are on the triad. I think your attitude that you aren't K's mother is a a healthy one in that you don't pine after her all the time. You are confident in your choice of parents for her and that she is happy and well cared for.
I think the story you have in mind for E is a good one. It hits all the high points she will need while young and you can go in to more detail as appropriate as she gets older. I think your DH's approach it good, too. By referring to K as E's half sister in a totally casual way, it will become "normal" to her and there will be less of a big shock when she gets old enough to ask questions about the situation.
I've always taken this approach about the fact that our oldest 3 are adopted from FC. The two oldest have vague memories of their BM, youngest DS does not. I've always referred to them being adopted in the same manner as I do about them liking music or animals, or whatever. It is a part of who they are but not the defining part. I think if you make any issue taboo or a secret, or conversly make it a big deal then it is much harder for children to understand and deal with.
P.S. If your Grandmother is still alive, give her a big hug from me for having the wisdom and courage to set the precedent for your family. I hate it when stepfamilies/adoptive families treat kids differently and I only use the term 'step" myself when absolutely necessary to explain a situation. (IE: to explain why my "step" nephew doesn't look like my sister/his "step" siblings. etc)
PAL/PGAL Welcome
I don't think there's a right/wrong answer and I totally understand what you're saying! I have a stepparent as well, but she is my MOM, period. And my sister is my sister, not my half-sister.
I don't mind referring to T as mom, birthmom or T...for me, it's all about what she is comfortable with. Her oldest child does refer to Payton as his "sister" - but T doesn't necessarily like that. She will occasionally correct him and say P is his half-sister and I've also heard her say that P isn't their sister, but she is our baby. I don't know, I can see how it is can be confusing.
Our plan, while Payton is small and developing ideas about relationships (at T's request) is to identify T as her birthmother, and her half-siblings as T's children only and not use the words sibling/brother/sister. T does not want her to be confused and she has stated she wishes she had the ability to do the same with her three at home, to keep confusion at a minimum until they can better understand the circumstances and relationships. When Payton is older, obviously she will recognize the relationship and we will leave it up to her what she wants to call them (beyond their first names), just like it will be up to her what level of relationship she wants to have with them and with T.
I am glad it has helped you to think. If I could do it all over again, I would have requested more regular updates from the APs, but not necessarily face to face contact. I wish I knew what K was doing, what her interests were, etc. Just so I could talk about her more than in astract "guessing."
This is why it was important to us that Luke's Birthparents feel open to communicate with us what they need at the present time and that we can navigate this adoption together. We recognized that relationships need to evolve as time goes on and wanted BP's who did too.
Could you request from the agency to K's parents for more information? I can not wait for the day I can talk with DD's BM to compare notes on DD.
I have requested a couple of times and I am not sure if there is no communication because my SW is no longer there and the girl I worked with has been promoted to doing more national work. Also, the adoption was 10 years ago so most of the SW there don't know me. Also, the AP dad was a professional basketball player in Europe and they have moved & changed their phone number. So it is hard to contact me.