Foster Mommies

joeandkristie

Did you have a difficult time letting go of all the new baby events that seem to be tradition such as baby showers etc?  Struggling with the whole infertility issue today.  I am thankful for the children we have to love on everyday but working on letting go of some of the dreams I have had since I can remember and trying to make new ones.

 

 

***pity party over***

jenn5-26-07

Yeah I did and still do.

My mom and sister thru us a shower when we were placed with our kids (for adoption).  so I got that. 

I used to work in an in-home daycare. It was me and my boss and 12 little kids for 9 hours a day- We became pretty close. I'm a pretty open person and I shared just about everything with my boss/friend. Her husband was deployed for over a year while I worked for her- I was like her childrens other mom- She didn't have much family that supported her durning that time and dh and I were there for her.   I was working for her while we discovered our if issues. Fast forward to adoption time. She had a lot of friends having babies about the same time as we were adopting- during a visit one day she was showing me all the stuff (blankets, burp rags, ect) she was making for all these people she new having babies (several of these people I hadn't heard of after working for her for full time for 4 years plus 4 years part time before that.) Our adoption/baptism weekend came and went without any acknowledgement from her. That hurt. I know it would of been celebrated had I given birth.  (We had this kind of ignore the situation from a couple people - that was pretty hard to deal with.)

We adopted older kids- our son is in kindergarted now and we should of gotten to take him to get Kindergarten shots- but his foster family had them done (we had him all summer- plenty of time to get it done.) This is something that bugs me when I let it- I didn't get to experience a lot of the "first" with my kids- kinda wish I would of gotten to be the one to comfort my son when he got his shots.

I just try to remember I get other "firsts." and I get all the forevers for the rest of their lives.  Hope your day gets better.

Cissi64

I kind of had trouble with this at first.  We were lucky enough to have a few friends who gave us gifts with our first placement. (placement...not finalization) One was barely more than an aquaintance but some how she knew that it would mean a lot to us.  We did not send out announcements at finalization and I wish now we had.....not for the gifts but just for the acknowledgement KWIM?

The sense of loss over the first and traditions (like showers) intensified when we had our bio DD.  I was wishing I could have had/done all those things with my oldest 3.  When we sent out announcements for her birth, a couple of my aunts sent gifts for them, too, apologizing for not sending anything when the adoption was final..even though it had been almost 6 years. I think because we didn't send out announcements, some of the extended family was confused as to whether they were "ours" permanently or not.  I think this may have been the case with friends also.  Immediate family was kind of weird about the whole thing.  They bought our kids gifts for sepcial occaissions and treated them okay but also kept them at arms length ( in case they go back) until finalization.  Then, when we finally got to the big day, they kind of ignored it.  To be fair, I did't push it with them because their interest had been dubious at best and I didn't want to be disappointed by  expecting them to be excited and them not really caring. Since we were the first on either side to adopt ( well DH's  second cousin did but 2 of his 3 ended up having major mental issues and everyrone assumed ours would, too) I think no one knew how to react and they weren't too interested in finding out.

PrincessShay80

A little- my friends threw me a shower when the TPR was granted, so I felt like I had that, it was more of just a fun girls spa day with some gifts- but it was nice to at least have DD acknowledged. We had a really big first birthday party for DD and we are planning a big summer party in July to celebrate her adoption.

I would almost rather organize and plan the parties, becasue I'm such a control freak- so I'm totally happy planning our own celebrations for DD. It took a little time but I am completely past all the jealous feelings from infertility and I don't feel like I'm missing out out anything anymore. It will get easier, it just takes time!

ctbride08

Yes, it does make me sad.  I love a good party and my baby shower is one of those things I always looked forward to.  The celebration, the joy, the coming together of family and friends to offer support and love in a very special time.  I think my saddness over not having a baby shower is symbolic of my saddness over having a general lack of support from family - not that they dont love the kids and help when asked...but its just different. People dont really know how to act when the script is changed.

Floridamom224

Yes.  I was thinking about this over the weekend, as we are now working towards adopting our little foster son.

DS was 9 months when he came to us.  We have very supportive family and friends, and they gave us tons of toys and clothes, which was SO nice.  My coworkers actually threw me a shower after we adopted DS (he was 3), and he ended up coming and getting to open all of those toys which was so special to me.  One of the teachers at my school made him a quilt, which I adore.  She does this for all the teachers when they have a baby, so I was SO excited that they did this for me.  They have NO IDEA how much it really meant to me.

Now with our FS, he is 11 months old.  I miss that I am not going to get to experience all of his baby moments with him...I did not think about this so much with DS1 because we didnt know we were infertile.  I am trying to cherish as much as I can with him...he actually started walking with us so that is something I can cherish.

It was hard for me to deal with not having all of the special moments of getting a nursery together.  We made the foster kids room in our guest room since there was already a bed in their, that older kids could use.  WE put a crib up, and I tried to decorate in neutral colors...but it still wasnt the same.  Last night we actually moved FS's room to the other that we had always planned to use for our next child...it is right across from DS's and they would share the bathroom.  So, that made it a little more special.