Need advice for friend leaning on me during my difficult time.

mariat

 

Hi gals,

I have a friend who is overall sweet & has good intentions but she has become very needy.  We've grown close the past few months and part of the reason is that during the past few months without fail (and I am not exaggerating) she calls me up every week, sometimes every few days with a new drama in her life needing advice of some sort.

She's divorced with a child and in a relationship and she often call me when she is not with her child or boyfriend to vent or seek advice because she has more spare time, but often she will call when I am in the middle of something with my own family...and most conversations are about 45 mins because she talks non-stop.   And when I have to say I have to go and do such and such she simply tells me to call her after I'm done.

I don't mind lending an ear or helping a friend in need but she is leaning on me on a regular basis and for things that are not big problems but problems that she makes into big situations.  Unfortunately she does attract drama and often makes situations worse with over analyzing and such.

She knows I am trying to have another baby but I don't go into detail w/her (she also tends to gossip).  I am doing my best to alleviate stress and be more postive and overall I'm doing a good job but then I get hit with these phone calls every few days like clockwork.

Just yesterday she called me as were preparing to leave for our IUI.  I didn't pick up the phone because I knew it would take awhile and I couldn't be late for our appointment and to be honest I didn't want the added stress.  Still she left a message saying she needed my advice on something so I should call her asap because she will do what I suggest and so as she put it 'the pressure is on' me to make a decision for her.  I was fed up to be honest and didn't call back.  Yesterday was about us and having a positive good day...but there she was first thing in the morning today calling again (but this time she didn't leave a message).

I care for her and I do listen when possible and honestly give the best advice I can but it can draining and very negative...and to be honest I do have my own situation as you all understand with Sec IF and my own family and my own life with highs and lows.

How do I politely tell my friend that I'm there for her but I don't want to be her go-to therapist? 

 

 

racampbell1

I'm new to posting here (usually hang out on the Parenting over 35 board) but had to jump in on this one. Sounds like your friend is what I would call an "energy vampire".  I've had several of these in my own life, and they seem to get especially hungry when I have the least amount to give. I think you need to have an honest conversation with your friend and set some boundaries.  You only have so much you can give and she needs to understand that.  If she is a true friend, she will.  If she is unable to examine herself and her own behavior she'll get mad and punish you in some petty way.  I think if it were me I would really think about how much I wanted this person in my life.  If you talk to her honestly, as an adult, she may get angry and the friendship will go downhill.  If that's a risk you're willing to take, I would talk to her.  If its not, then you should be asking yourself why, kwim?  The other alternative I see is to limit your contact with her - don't be so quick to answer the phone and take your time calling back.  I prefer the direct approach and personally would buckle down for a talk, but follow your heart on that one.  In my opinion, if you're feeling like you're her therapist, she is taking way too much from you, especially during a stressful time.  Hope that helps.

mariat

 

Thank you. I think I will have to sit down with her one of these days..and it's not going to be easy or pretty but I can't deal with this stuff that is almost like high school drama.....for example, I finally got back to her today. Her dilemma was that she was dropping off her child at her ex's house and she was embarassed b/c she's been under the weather and not looking her best.  I can't be helping her with little things like this while I'm going through treatments and have my own problems to deal with.  I'll have to talk to her but I'll try to do it as nicely as possible and let her know that I am there for her but she needs to handle the small stuff on her own.

The friendship may change after that but if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

JMay

I've been thinking about this post since I first read it yesterday.  I'm not sure if my thoughts will make sense, but I'm going to give it a shot.

The thing is, usually people who continue behaviors such as you describe are doing so because their needs are being met.  In this case, I would guess you are (maybe inadvertently) giving her the advice or opinion or attention she seeks.  If you cease to fulfill her needs, she will discontinue the behavior.

I do not know the exact context of your discussions, so this is a little difficult to pin down, but you can answer her phone calls and have conversations with her while at the same time, redirecting her behavior. 

For instance, maybe she normally says "what should I do?" and you answer with something like "I would...xyz..."

Next time, try responding with "that sounds like a tough decision. What do you think you will do?"

In short, refuse to give advice.  Listen, care, but do not advise. 

Throw it back to her (kindly).  Let her know you care, and will listen, but you can't possibly make decisions or advise on the course of her life, as you are not able to experience it first hand.  If the attention is what she seeks, this may not work.  However, if the problem is that she is unable to make her own decisions and is paralyzed by the thought of taking responsibility for her own actions, this may help her and relieve you.

GL. Let us know what happens!

mariat

 

JMay thank you for the advice. I have been given it some thought too since I last wrote.

I think my problem was that you hear your whole life how it is important to be a friend when someone is in need and so I am there practically every time she needs to vent or seed advice about something because I think that is what a good friend should do, but I think in a way I have become an enabler in the process and that doesn't serve her nor me.

I will listen next time and ask her what she thinks she should do and let her build up her confidence to make her own decisions.  If that doesn't work I'll tell her that she needs to be more self-reliant and not second guess herself so much...and if she still continues to call constantly (this week was a record 3 days in a row with 3 different problems) then I will have to sit down with her and simply tell her that I cannot be on call for every problem.  I know she won't take it easy but if she is my friend she will understand that I am only doing it as a friend and we can move forward in a much easier paced friendship.

Thanks again to both of you for your posts.