Lurker but HAVE to vent
Normally, I just lurk. There's so many 'back-stories' to my blended family situation and there's often 'drama' involved when it comes to BM (and her husband). But today I just have to vent. Without going into a huge long story I just want to say I hate how BM and SD(9) make FI feel so low/guilty/unimportant etc etc. There's always SOMETHING going on during FI's time with his daughter- church events, birthday parties etc. And SD always wants to go. Poor FI is constantly saying yes to these things because he doesn't want SD to miss out (or think he's the bad guys because he says no). So the last three weekends something has come up- a special dinner, a church event, SD grandma's birthday and then today SD cousin's bday party.
We've asked BM to stop telling SD about this stuff before asking FI but of course BM tells their daughter all about the fun things that are happening while she's supposed to be at daddy's and then says to 'ask dad if you can go'. It's a ridiculous manipulative move and it's getting on my nerves. I hate to see FI so upset because he's missing out on spending time with his daughter. Today he even teared up. My stance is to start saying NO. But I do understand what he means by not wanting his daughter to miss out or be punished because she WANTS to go to these things. But BM won't compromise or trade times etc to 'makeup' the time FI is missing. Ugh. I hate to see him so upset. 
Re: Lurker but HAVE to vent
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
YEP! I am willing to bet this will nip BM's behavior in the butt real quick.
BM taking her daughter to events is not necessarily a "ridiculous manipulative move." Sounds to me like she's just taking advantage. Your FI needs to take a stand and enforce the CO. He can either take her to these events, or if it's something that's strictly on BM's turf, then he can drop her off right before the event starts and pick her up right after.
Every now and then, things do happen. But not letting your FI make up the time sounds like a flat out power play.
Most these things are not things FI would be able to take her too, although when it's school events we do.
I think the manipulative part is telling their daughter all about it then telling her (the 9 year old) to ask her dad. Rather than BM talking to FI first.
It stresses me out because it stresses him out. But he needs to make those decisions- and I hope he can find a balance where everyone 'wins' but I just feel like BM is (like someone mentioned) taking advantage.
Why? If he would be spending the time with her anyway why can he not take her?
"Poor FI is constantly saying yes to these things because he doesn't want SD to miss out (or think he's the bad guys because he says no)." And as for this, this is not "Poor FI" this is a father that is not so worried he might make his DD mad that he is not parenting.
In the last month these are the events that have come up. Their church had a good friday thing- I'm not sure what that was as we are not members of that church, but SD and BM are. We would absolutely not feel comfortable taking SD to an event at their church. SD's Grandmother's (on her BM side) birthday dinner (after the dinner an impromptu sleepover was arranged for the cousins), this would have been inappropriate for FI to insist going to/bringing SD too. Today was SD's cousins birthday party at a local kid's party place, this cousin is BM's sister's child- again, probably not very appropriate for us to go to.
I agree, that FI is too concerned with making his daughter upset so he continues to say yes to these things. But she's 9 and if he says no she's not seeing the big picture or the reasoning behind the reasons she can't go- she sees it as daddy not letting her participate in these fun things.
I lurk here from single moms.
I would have your FI plan some really fun events for his week-ends. Then tell your SD about it. So when he says no because you have predetermined plans, it'll soften the blow and distract her.
Right now, you are functioning at status quo. BM is doing that because she knows she can. It's up to your FI to stand his ground and change it. At the very least, if she's missing a big chunk of time with FI, then he should ask for the time made up a different day.
In an "intact family", fun events are turned down ALL OF THE TIME. It does not create irreperable harm to the child/parent relationship in those situations.
So why would it now.
Your DH isnt looking to be the nice guy, he is looking to not deal with the immediate fall out of a disappointed 9 yo. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE there.
BM and her mother do this to SD all the time. So we take her. We took her Easter Sunday to BMs church for an Easter egg hunt. She looked at us when we got there and said "Oh, are you staying?" and we said, "Yep, it's our day to spend with SD, and this was important to her, so here we are." Was it uncomfortable, yes. But did it hurt anyone, nope.
On our next weekend there is a birthday party for SDs cousin. We told BM we would drop SD off when it started and she could stay 2-3 hours and then we would pick her up.
I agree with PP, your FI should make plans for his days and then he can politely tell SD and BM that you already have plans, and maybe next time. Otherwise accompany SD or drop her off for a specified amount of time. Yeah FI may have to make her unhappy sometimes and say no, but maybe, just maybe BM will take the hint and back off.
I know that is the correct term for a non-blended family, but every time I hear it I think of an uncircumcised peen, lol.
^This. Parenting time doesn't mean "alone" time. For things like friend's parties, school events, even church events, he should be able to bring her just as easily as her mother can.
In addition, missing the odd dinner or church event or birthday party is not going to ruin her childhood. Hell, my DD missed a birthday party this past weekend because she refused to brush her teeth the night before. Life went on and she was fine.
Unless it's really a once in a lifetime event or something she has been looking forward to for a long time, it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
Rather than saying "no", can he offer an alternative?
Typically, in my situation with my DD, if a birthday party comes up, I just have her Dad take her, or if it is an even on my family side, we will just do a switch of days. This coming weekend, we are all over the place, and it's her dad's weekend, so I offered to keep DD this weekend, and then he takes her for the next two weekends. It made sense and we both agreed. It's only as complicated as you make it (not you, but people in general).