Thank you for all of your responses-husband does not want the baby
Hi Everyone (formerly Dene0505),
Thank you for all of your supportive responses to my original post. I'm 7w pregnant and my husband has expressed repeatedly that he does not want me to have this baby. We have known about the pregnancy for a few weeks now and nothing has changed. In fact, he keeps telling me that he wants an annulment or a divorce. He keeps saying that we both agreed that we would wait a few years and he keeps saying that we won't be able to do anything that we planned on doing if we decide to have this baby. We're going back and forth about this and nothing is being solved. His final word: I made a decision and I'm choosing this pregancy over him. He's "not doing this". He does not want to be anyone's father and he does not want to do this now. He does not want to be a part of someone that will "permanently" come between him and his wife. My final word: I didn't make this decision, God made it for me. I'm having this baby.
It's so bad that I left our home and decided to stay with my parents (been here for two weeks). He said that he doesn't want me in the house at all. I'm fully aware that as his wife, I don't have to leave if I don't choose to. However, I'm tired of waking up with pins and needles.
Background: Lavish wedding only 4 months ago and we've been together for 10 years before that. I own a town home that we were in the process of doing modest renovations in to rent it out. I may end up having to go back to a home that I already moved out of.
I'm so sad about this that I'm crying just about every day. My parents love me so much that they've been offering to do stuff for me and following me around. I know that they are trying to help but it's very annoying. I want to go back to my house because I don't really feel like talking to anyone but there's paint everywhere and the contractors are not finished working yet...not to mention that it's vacant.
I read everyone's post about their husbands coming around but I don't think that this is the same case.
FYI: His decision has nothing to do with finances.
Re: Thank you for all of your responses-husband does not want the baby
it doesn't help with your feelings right now but this is truly HIS loss. I'm so sorry he's put you through all this. Assuming it wasn't birth control that failed, he's 50% at fault in all of this - babies are the result of TWO people having sex (typically). I'm sorry he's turned out to be such a difficult person.
Please stick around here - it's not a requirement to have a supportive father in the picture and you've already met the age requirement...
Please, take care of yourself - let your parents help, let your friends and family support you through these tough times.
And finally, if he does come around, please, look into counseling for the both of you so that you can get to the root of what the issue is in all of this for him.
Good luck!
Sweetheart, I am truly sorry for what is happening to you. It is a heartbreaking story, especially since you have been together with your SO for such a long time. I know that there is nothing that can make you feel better now, but it is good that at least you have loving parents that are supporting you. And we, the grown up ladies, are here for support as well. And you know...time heals everything... Hugs.
Take care of you and your baby and better times are about to come.
This breaks my heart! I can only imagine how you are feeling. I am a week behind you pregnancy wise and I am a hormonal mess as it is I couldn't even imagine having to deal with this on top of all that is changing inside my own body.
I send my prayers. support and am very proud of you for holding fast to your true feelings. You could have easily appeased him and made this go away. You are one strong, brave woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chin up and I hope he comes to his senses but if not as others have said seek solace in your wonderful family and friends.
We will support you here, please feel free to vent or ask questions whenever you want. And try as hard as it is now, to put yourself in a happy place. The baby deserves good vibes and so do you.
Wishing you the very best.
I am so very truly and deeply sorry. Please stick around this board and feel free to post whenever you need a soft place to land. The ladies here are wonderful.
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I am so sorry you have to go through this but glad you have your family to lean on. Like a PP stated, it sounds like your Husband is using this as an excuse to get out of the marriage. It might help you to deal with things if you find out the real reason he wants a divorce. I highly suggest counseling.
After 8 months of marriage a friend of mine came home and her husband announced he didn't love her anymore and he didn't think he ever did. This was someone she had known most of her life and she thought they were madly in love. She quickly divorced him. She eventually found out that he was having an affair. She was in therapy for at least a year. She needed it so she could trust again and know that it wasn't her fault.
Good Luck with everything you are going through.
Im very sorry to hear you are going through this! Sounds like he is being very selfish and will loose out if he doesn't change his emotions soon. A baby is a wondeful thing to live with, regret is not. I hope for you and your baby he comes around but if he doesn't please stay strong, let your family and friends help you and do whats best for you and your baby. You will be an even stronger woman and mother for going thru this. Men don't always end up "coming around" so to speak but you can always rely on you. I wish you all the best and really hope things look up for you soon! :hugs:
You're in a difficult situation. While he claims that he wanted kids at some point, it doesn't sound like he really ever did.
The fact that it took 10 years before you got married probably indicates commitment issues from the get go. And now that you've finally tied the knot... he's adjusting to his new role.
Adding the complication of an unplanned pregnancy into the mix makes a volatile situation worse. If you didn't have a birth control failure, and didn't talk to him first about no longer using birth control, I could see where he'd feel trapped now.
As I mentioned in my earlier post, you can't make someone want something they don't want. It's got to be your decision to keep the baby and be a single mom if necessary, or give up the baby for your husband. It sounds like you don't have any interest in giving up the baby.
Finances or not, it sounds like the responsibility and life change is not something he was ready for. You can't force him to be ready, you can't blame him for not wanting something he didn't ask for. You can only do what's in your own control.
If divorce is what he wants, then give it to him.. he may come around later. He may never come around.
It's not a good situation, but when is life ever easy?
You will get emotional support from the ladies here... it sounds like you have support from your family, no matter how annoying they are being right now. Just tell them you need some room to breathe and that you really appreciate all of the support they are giving you.
Take your time to grieve the loss of your husband, and move on.
This!
I'll try to be short, but here's my experience:
My first husband and I separated when my oldest was around 5 months. The marriage had been on the rocks from the start. I had to swallow my pride and move back in with my parents as I didn't have a dime to my name. He had been hiding a prescription drug addiction among other things (boy, was I naive!) and we had been renting so I didn't have my own home to keep. I had dropped out of college 2 years prior to work 2 jobs to keep up with the bills and I was left with nothing but a lot of credit card debt.
There is no way I would have made it without the support of my parents. My mom and I have our tense moments and it was awkward, to say the least to be in my old bedroom with my own child.
I went back to work and saved up enough money to move to FL and start over again a year later. I was a single parent for 7 years. I had court ordered child support but the ex kept moving every time the state would find him. How he's avoided jail is beyond me.
I've also learned that blood is thicker than water. My ex inlaws are in denial about it and we used to have a wonderful relationship but now they believe I'm the one to blame that he's is so much trouble. None of them ever call to ask about their grandson. Occasionally at Christmas, I get a gift in the mail from my son's great grandmother.
I won't lie, it was tough. There were many nights I would cry myself to sleep, but I found my strength in the eyes of my little boy. He was my rock. He didn't ask for all of that to happen and is still having some issues with being rejected by his birth father even though he doesn't remember him.
I remarried almost 4 years ago and my husband is a wonderful father to my son. We will eventually move forward with his adoption but our attorney advised us to wait another year so it will be a done deal and let the ex nail his own coffin shut, so to speak.
All of that to say, I wish you the best. It's not going to be easy, but you'll find the strength as a mother to survive and move on. You've got the best part of the situation.
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kikijbunny (formerly kikijbird)
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Hi,
I have never posted on this board before but want to tell you that you are one very strong woman. Your baby is going to be so lucky to have a mother like you. I can't say anything about your husband because my thoughts about his behavior have caused me to have some heartburn so I can't even imagine your sadness or stress.
You are pregnant! You have been given a wonderful gift and you will be such a fantastic mother. Hang in there, at this point I woudl start to think that God has some kind of plan for you that you have not yet considered. I wish you the best and hope to see some updates from you, this will not easily leave my mind!
Take care and stay strong.
I echo all the PPs and say how sorry I am for you that you're experiencing this... just focus on taking care of you and the baby.. and lean on your family...as difficult as it may be... you are so lucky to have them...
It truly is HIS loss.. to miss out on the joy that a baby brings...
I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you have supportive family to help you navigate this difficult time. I agree with PP about counseling if he is open to it.
I too got married after being together 10 years. I found out I was pregnant the day after we came back from our honeymoon/family trip. To be 100 % honest I freaked out. It wasn't planned as I was on BC. I had always wanted to have children but it was the idea that things were going to change that freaked me out. I wasn't ready to be someone's mom just yet. I never considered ending my pregnancy but I spent a good portion of the pregnancy being depressed and withdrawn. I think I felt that being pregnant was an end to the carefree life I led. It wasn't and I wouldn't trade my little monkey for anything in the world. I guess my point is that your pregnancy may have made him confront issues within himself that he had never noticed. I'm not saying he is handling things in a good manner but I do understand feeling trapped (not saying that you trapped him) and scared. I wish you and your baby the best.
I'm so sorry for your situation. What a horrible experience for you. I can only second what has been said above, but I also wanted to add that you should consider going to see a lawyer as soon as possible. If you do end up divorcing, the things you do right now (like moving out) may have an impact on the eventual division of property. Please go get a lawyer's advice so that you can make the best decisions now for you and your baby.
I too have a similar story
My oldest was not wanted by my then DH. He wanted to me to "get rid of it". I didn't. he seemed to come around and be reasonable excited about the baby.
However the night I delivered he told me he was not going to be in her life or mine as "this is not what he had planned". I moved home ^ weeks later after I had helaed and got a legal seperation agreement and put the house up for sale. Moving home was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I cried for a long time. My only regret was not leaving him while still pregnant instead of waiting and hoping he would come around. This Would have changed oh so many things.
I am now married to a wonderful DH and my Daughter calls him DAD. It is tough, you are stong enough and he doesnt deserve either of you.
My heart goes out to you.
I found out I was pregnant with my daughter when I was in college. I told the bio, he did not want the baby, but...outside factors influenced and we "did the right thing". I spent a few long years being told "I don't want this, I don't want you, I never wanted her" along with a plethera of other things spoken with words and fists. I divorced him. He insisted on paying child support (rarely done), visitation (I never objected, he saw her twice) and then just dropped off the face of the earth. Soon after, a man who I had been friends with for some time initiated more and well...here we are about 11 years later. Our daughter is now almost 16 and we are expecting her sibling (finally!) in the fall.
It is going to be hard. No lie. But regardless of him and whatever stupid games he plays, cherish the life growing inside of you. You obviously have a support network. Raise the baby with them. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't. Don't live your life (anymore) waiting for him to realize anything. You have another life to plan for and care for. Do it. Go to the appointments, take a friend, take a parent, take a camera. Enjoy what you are about to experience. It will hurt from time to time, but holding that little life in your arms will make most of the pain go away.
My T&P are with you as you go through this. If divorce ends up being the the final solution and he chooses not to be a part of this child's life...his loss. As another poster (and myself) have experienced, DNA does not make a father...love does.
Hugs,
Nikki