Moving for your husband?
itsmevkb
member
I have a job which I really enjoy, it pays well, has good benefits and I have received several promotions and am next in line to take over for my boss when she leaves. My job has supported my family and has in large part helped to put my husband through graduate school.
This summer my husband will get his PhD and he has been applying for college level teaching positions all over the country. The job market isn't great right now, specially when you're looking for a tenure track job in a very narrow area so it would be hard for him to limit his searching to our immediate area. He has a job interview next week at a university well out of our area. At this point in my career I really don't have any desire to pick up and move. My job is not easily transferrable so if we were to move I'd likely have to try and find a job in a slightly different area and would certainly take a reduction in pay.
My not wanting to move isn't just about my job though, my family lives close by and really help us out with childcare so we'd be giving up a lot to move. Of course, my husband sees this as he's put in 10 years in graduate school and a tenure track job is his reward.
Has anyone made a significant move for their husband and if so how did that work out, were you resentful, did it turn out better than expected, etc.? Or, has anyone had their husband have to take something less than their dream job in order for you to keep your job?
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
Re: Moving for your husband?
I have not been through this but I can think of some serious questions you have to ask yourself.
Were you the breadwinner so someday your husband could take over that role when his graduate work was done?
Can you survive on the new income of your DH only? because you resigning and getting a new job in a new area, immediately is not a guarantee.
How much do you rely on your family? Is it with physically support of childcare or just emotional?
Can your DH find a job closer to home that he will be happy with?
I am sure there are others but these just popped into my head. GL! huge decision. I would gladly move for DH's career if the circumstances were right. I love my job so he would have to be getting paid at least double what he makes now, and awesome benefits.
Although I have always been the breadwinner it was never with the intention that someday my husband would make more than me or that I could quit my job and stay at home (which I don't want to do).
My husband would not make nearly enough to support us without me working and I would be worried about my ability to get a job since obviously we wouldn't both be able to move until that happened.
My sister watches our children at a substantially lower rate than what we would pay for daycare. With our third on the way that is a huge consideration in my mind.
As for him finding a job closer, that is what I keep praying for. I don't want to deal with the battle that will happen if he's offered something far away.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
My husband and I both have very specific degrees. He is an engineer and I'm a chemist although he makes more than I do.
He was offered a transfer within his company to a different state and took it. He was miserable at his former position and would come home in the most sour of moods. I knew for him, it was the best thing.
I on the other hand worked for an amazing company that loved me. I just been given an opporotunity for a promotion and was excited to where it would take me.
Given that, our home life was a wreck. We had just had DS 4 months earlier and it was really stressful trying to get DH not to focus on his awful job when he came home. So we moved.
I ended up staying home with DS for 3 months but found another position at a smaller family run company in the same field as my former job. It has been extremely difficult.
I'm am resentful. Probably due to the fact that DH is so happy now and I was so happy then. It is still a struggle every day but it is the decision I made and we are here for at least another 4 years. Hopefully he will have the opporotunity to move back and to a different position after that.
We moved from a large city to a suburb of a smaller city. We left lots of friends and have had trouble finding new ones with our same interests, etc. Our closest family was 2 hours away and they are now 4. So it is different but not too much of a change.
Would I do it again? Probably, if not just for the sake of my marriage.
Technically I live where I live now largely because of my husband. We both wanted to move back east to be near family, he wanted to be in Florida, I wanted to be in New England. We're in NC. It's halfway and it was a compromise for both of us. I love it. It's not near family or anything but I've been really happy here.
Currently my husband is unhappy at work and would love a new job. His dissatisfaction at work definitely effects our home life. If he could get a better job somewhere else that would make him happy I would go. There are some parts of the country that I don't want to live in (I can't handle heat well) but other than that I'd go wherever we needed to. I'm a teacher so I could teach anywhere, though I LOVE the school I work at now and would hate to leave. Also, as a teacher it's hard to change jobs at any time of year so the timing of the move would be relevant as well.
TTC #1- unexplained...lost left ovary 4/07 IUI #1 2/10/09-BFN IUI #2 3/5/09-BFN IVF # 1-BFP
TTC#2- FET 4/7/11 BFP, Natural mc 5/5/11 IVF#2 ER 9/13/11, ET 9/16/11, Beta #1 9/27/11 BFP 254 Beta #2 9/30/11 793 -Twins!
I think this needs to be in your conversation then. If he can't support the family on his salary, then he can't accept a position in a location where you have no job. I think you really need to sit down and talk about this and he needs to limit his search to locations where you could commute, enjoy living and be able to find a job or the COL would allow you to live on his salary. Otherwise, I don't see how he could even consider a position.
I did move for DH's job. He makes significantly more than I do and ever will. We moved before we had DD. It was hard to move away from family and friends, but we are still within traveling distance (4.5 hours). I was able to find a job, and daycare that DD and I both love. Our lives are very different here, than if they would be at "home."
If fact, there is a possibility that we may move again in the next few months. If this is the case I would really like to move and get settled before #2 arrives. I am not resentful. His company has been very good to us, his job has provided alot for our family. I do miss being close, but it is something that I have been able to overcome.
I completely agree with this. We are planning a move in the fall because DH has accepted a transfer. I make more $ than he does now and I love my job so it will be an adjustment but I have hope that I will find a great job in the new city. The only reason I agreed to it is because we have significant savings so we are covered for a few months while I am looking for work and daycare. Also, we will be so much closer to both of our families and that is very important to us in the long term, especially now that we have LO. Right now, our families are 5 and 10 hrs away and we dont have any one here with us. Good luck! Definitely speak to DH about your feelings.
You sound like me when we're talking.
This isn't a new topic and it is something we've discussed in the past but it's not as though we could ever decide one way or the other without having a specific job offer on the table. My view has always been that we can't move just so he has a university job UNLESS that job was paying him enough that I would not have to work. Picking up and moving so he can make $50,000 just makes zero sense to me. Of course, it makes sense to him because like someone else said, he's put in 10 years of work and he feels he's earned the right to take his "dream" job even if it may not be what's best for me.
My view is that I may not have a graduate degree but I've also put in a lot of long hours and many, many years getting to where I am in my career and leaving now would mean major back sliding in terms of my pay, work flexibility, time off, etc. If my job were easily transferrable this wouldn't big as big of an issue.
I guess something that bugs me is that I don't even think we'd be having this debate if I were the man, there would be no question that we'd just stay.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
I don't think that's a fair characterization, honestly.
In most fields, the farther you go in higher education, the fewer and more specialized the jobs are (although, it sounds like your job also is fairly specialized). Virtually every person I know with a PhD (and their spouse) comes out knowing they will have to move, potentially several times, if they want to continue to advance. Like the others said, this shouldn't be a surprise being sprung now. No one, man or woman, is going to be happy coming out and knowing they couldn't use something that they've put that much time and energy into.
I'd avoid giving yourself the advantage purely because of the status quo at your job. I think you both need to honestly weigh the advantages and work together: you shouldn't move someplace where you can't get a job you like, but neither should the plan be to stay forever where you're at if he can't. Every successful couple I know with two professional, working spouses finds a place they both can be happy, and often, the employers of those people in specialized fields (including academia) work to help find professional spouses a position.
My perspective may be a little different because I'm in the position of your husband (I have a PhD, and we've moved twice now for my career). FWIW, I'm the sole breadwinner in the family, so there is no issue of DH's job, but he has been 'dragged along', and there are aspects of that he doesn't like. But, overall, it's best for all of us.
Good luck!
I don't think that's completely fair. If you were the man and had supported your wife and watched her work for 10 years to get a degree you're saying you would make her stay where you live and waste that degree because your job is better? I think that in the attempt to point out the sexism in the situation you made it worse. The point is that neither spouse's job should be more important than the other and when you decide to go after a specialized job that means that you and your partner agree to pursue that job. If you weren't ever going to consider moving for his job you probably should have told him that 10 years ago so he wouldn't waste his time.
On another note, I'm a professor's daughter and my dad got his degree before we were born. We were able to spend our entire lives living in the same house and it was wonderful. He has complete job security and we knew we'd never be leaving. Even now I try to convince my parents to retire and move closer to their grandson and they aren't going anywhere. So, it's entirely possible that your husband will find a job and you'll never have to move again. Which is good for your career too.
I am going through this right now but our situation is reversed a bit. I have the PhD and an academic job. My husband moved twice and quit his job so that I could focus on my career. Both times he found better opportunities after our move. This time it is different though. My husband's company is relocating out of state and I am leaving my academic job. After a few years in academia you become MUCH more mobile and I have several opportunities in the new location. After finishing a PhD, there are usually only a small number of offers. But if you do well for a few years, you can usually end up close (or at least closer) to where to want to me.
Another thing to consider... getting a PhD isn't exactly a career highlight but it is a stepping stone. The true highlight is landing a job. Your husband is likely going to be miserable if he cannot accept a tenure track position because you refuse to move.
I understand your frustration but what did you expect?
did you not discuss this years ago? did he never explain or understand for himself what a job in academia would entail? what is his field? was this path always his intention? what did you have in mind for yourself and your career when you married him? is your career worth leaving your marriage or living apart? what is the priority for your family for the long run?
this is why there is a lot of divorce in academia. it's a really long process, families move a lot, and really, assistant professors are not making 6 figures.... not unless they are at a research 1 Ivy league school and getting a ton of grant money for big research... and even then it's doubtful. (a friend who fits this description is making about $75K at an Ivy in a hcol area). dh got his phd at an ivy and his tenured, full professor+gov't research scientist boss who had been there for decades made a salary $129K/yr while we were there. and he's well published, huge in his field. had full articles in the NYTimes and Science and Nature (big publications for scientist), cover article in NYT magazine. full professors at small liberal arts colleges make closer to the $90s (that's full professors). it most likely will be the case that he starts out below or around $50K (depending on location) and many colleges are not giving raises or not hiring or just starting to do so a little... but the long term benes tend to be good. some are 9 month appointments (great for research over the summers and childcare during the summers), flexibility with hours (dh can work 45 hrs over 3 days, then work half day the other two or take one day off (he has one day he does not schedule office hours at all. we can take the day off together or if he needs to focus on his research he can do so without going in on the weekend, he took a position at a private liberal arts college for this reason, research 1 is a totally different ballgame that he had no interest in joining after earning his phd at an R1), great retirement matching (dh gets up to 20% of his income matched), free college education at the college for me (if I wanted an advanced degree) or our kids, or a massive discount if in the college exchange program, discounted daycare at the college, a campus full of kids who would LOVE to babysit... just to name a few.
now, what jobs is he interviewing for now? the regular cycle is over. most tenure track positions/interviewing occurs dec/jan/feb. during dh's final year in grad school, he was interviewing for post docs in Dec and Jan of that year. most schools do not interview and hire this late in the year. most just get adjuncts for the positions professors left behind and start listing the positions next fall. did he do a post doc? it may be just in the sciences, but a post doc is necessary... and even then, many do more than one before getting a tenure track position. I wouldn't stress about the move until he actually has an offer. many times the first job is just "to get the foot in the door," so to speak... especially now w/ the economy the way it's been. tenure track positions are scarce and very difficult to get. If I were you , I'd have a sit down (try to be supportive) about what his plans are if he is not offered a position. Can he adjunct close by? go into research? Once out , it is very difficult to get back in... so a community college or going h.s. would be a career breaker if he wanted the usual academic route. I wouldn't come down hard on him now about your stress b/c in all honesty, he may be very depressed if he doesn't get a position and the last thing he'll need is to think you're happy he didn't get the job he wants. not to say you shouldn't discuss your concerns. but seriously... don't freak out just yet.
I understand how you feel... I'm an academic's wife and we're about to move for the 4th time in 10 years. I've left good jobs, worked in positions I wouldn't have opted for had I had other opportunities, gotten some great opportunities, and have made so many great friends. there are times I have felt resentful at the fact that I don't have family close to us, or that I'm not in that job I thought I'd be in at this time, or that I'm not in the house the kids can come home to and say " this was my house as a kid " ... I mean one day they may... but we're not in that house now. but the positive experiences far surpass the negative. I knew 10 years ago when I agreed to move with him so he could go to grad school, that this was his career path... and I knew almost 7 years ago when I married him that this was how his career path worked. I signed up for it. He has thought of me and the kids in where he's applied to work and this move is honestly for us b/c I'm so stressed out here.
Good luck to you both. I hope he can find the job that he wishes for in an area that you can continue to advance in your career.
I know a number of women in academia whose husbands have followed them. it's not about male vs female. it's a long career path and it's not necessarily great for families early on.... but once in that school that dh wants to be in for the long haul, once tenured... there's a great deal of stability and security that you may not find in other careers.
your career has value... you have value to your family. if this process is making you doubt that, I'm sorry. but this is a part of his path. you've had to have known this for a while. you both will find a way to make it work.
GL.
I think you need to really sit down and be realistic about this process. DH is graduating this May with his PhD and we are in the same boat. The tenure track options didn't work for us the past 2 years on the market (despite 2 campus interviews) and so he's looking at visiting professor positions for this year (starting this fall)> I am fully and 100% aware that I will be moving so he can take a job that pays about 1/3 of what I make, if that. But this is what he has worked for for years. I respectively disagree with the others that it's all about the money. The first few years are going to suck and be tough, but it's what I signed up for in this marriage and we'll make it work.
I am *hoping* that my company will let me telecommute so hopefully we'll be in amazing shape rather than struggling, but I"m still working out those details. But expecting your DH to land a tenure track job right out of PhD is a dream world, expect a long and winding road ahead....at least from our experience. We are now looking at places I never thought I'd go, but we'll do it for a year or two and hopefully he'll keep moving into better and better jobs like the others have said on here.