Too many possible titles for this post...

chinadoll531

today, I don't want to be a mother... today, I don't want to be a wife... today, I just want to get in the car and drive (even though I haven't driven in over a year) until there's no money left in the bank account to cover gas... I want to open up the china cabinet, pull out the liquor bottles and drown out my sorrows... I want to fall into old familiar habits and dissappear for a while... I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to be someone's mother... I wasn't even ready to be someone's wife... How can I expect to take care of a family when I can't even take care of myself? the first two weeks I cried... nonstop everyday. I was cranky and WAY too easily offended. but then it passed, I was ok... Now I'm just apathetic. she cried for half an hour today and I just stared at her. I didn't pick her up, change her, or feed her... Just stared at her. I felt so far away again, like I haven't felt in months... 9 months to be exact... I felt like there was a pane of glass between us.she wasn't my concern. here was nothing I could or should do for her... her cries mirord my pain... endng them seemed trivial as I couldn't ilence the screams in my mind... Now we sit here on te porch together and I am thankful she s silently content. the pane of glass is still there, but the cries inmy ead are too loud now, she wuld push it past bearable... I would cry... I feel like I'm sufficating... sady, it doen't seem to have anything to do with her... maybe I should go back on my med and just give it up... I need a day away... all day... I should pump more and aybe we can dothat... if DH can get the time away from the cafe... I don't know... like I said, I jut want to ru away from it alll... today, just for today, I wish I had listened to my mother, just that once...

wmeasel

Oh, sweet pea.  Don't give up.  And don't skip your meds.  I've been where you are, and worse.  The medication and my family are the only thing that got me through it.  Beside, you won't be on the medication for ever. But the meds will help you through PPD.  I used to feel guilty for taking medication, like I was weak for not being able to handle those emotions without them.  Now, I realize that's silly.  Someone with Diabetes wouldn't skip a shot of insulin and someone with cancer wouldn't feel weak for accepting chemotherapy or radiation.   PPD is an illness and the medicines prescribed by doctors are meant to be part of a cure.

Right now its like your hormones are in a washing machine right now, spinning on over drive making you think that this "fear" is real.   But, you are not alone.  There are thousands, possibly millions of women who have felt the same way, or are feeling the same way you feel now.  You are not alone.

In the beginning, I was scared because I didn't feel an immediate attachment to my daughter.  Now, almost 12 months later, I can't imagine my life without her.  I went through PPD and I'm still working through it, but its not like it was in the beginning.  

 I promise that if you can get through 40 weeks of pregnancy, then you can get through this...

This quote is from the move "Hope Floats" with Sandra Bullock, and I hope it give you some Hope, and reassurance that you will get through this, and you will make a wonderful mother. 

"...beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."