Do you think it's rude to ask if a child is adopted?

hereonceagain

My LO has a friend in ballet and the girl is AA.  her two dads are white.  They are all very nice.  I am dying to know their story.  They are such a happy family and I'd love for our LO's to hang out more (of course adoption has nothing to do with this).  Is it rude to ask if she's adopted?  Is it more ok since my LO is adopted too? 

Edit: the girl is only 1 so she wouldn't understand our discussion.

Dr.Loretta

I'd just ask if your LOs could hang out more, and let them tell you when they're comfortable.

While I wanted to ask a (Causasian) couple of 3 (South American) kids if they adopted when I saw them last weekend, I couldn't think of a non-rude/startling way to ask.

ctbride08

I think this is one of those things thats "in the eye of the beholder".  Meaning, I bet there are plenty of people who wouldn't find it rude...but, there are others who would. 

Your best bet might be to strike up converstation with one of the dads and somehow try to work in that your LO is adopted and see if they volunteer the info. 

 

jehnm

I agree that some might be offended.  However, if someone approached me and said, "we are looking into adoption and were wondering if by any chance that is how you built your family" I wouldn't be offended at all.   

I would just ask if you could set up a play date some time and then work into that conversation!  New friends are always a good thing!

hereonceagain

fredalina:

I don't know. I mean, honestly, how can the child not have been adopted? I suppose it's POSSIBLE that she's biracial and one of the dads is the bio father and then got into a committed homosexual relationship within 2 years or they had a GC and AA egg donor or embryo donor, but the chances seem pretty slim. I'm sure if they're reasonable people they won't be offended by a well-intentioned question. I guess the only reason it might be offended is if they think you may be a) defining their daughter by her birth origins or b) judging somehow their sexuality and its adoption.

I think the bigger question is "does it matter?" Which is why I never end up asking, because in the end it makes no difference to me or my child if they're passing strangers or casual acquaintances. If they do become friends you'll probably find out anyway. But in your case I don't see it as "rude".

 

I just love adoption stories.  I also would like to have a friend or two who's been through what we have.  She is likely adopted from fostercare as she was just placed in their home.  They started the ballet class late.

soon2Bkranz

If it were me I might just approach and say I am asking since my DD was adopted...yada yada.

I would not be bothered if somebody asked, ut wouldnt like it in front of my kids

Sally J

Depends on how you ask IMO.  I am less offended when people ask where we adopted from or if we chose adoption to build our family, rather than asking if one of my children 'is' adopted.  My child was adopted but now she is just my DD.  I have no problem talking about her story, but I don't like the question being asked in such way that makes adoption the defining thing about my child. 

Jermysgirl

Edith was playing with a little boy (also AA) at the pediatrician's office today and I asked his Caucasian mom "Are you guys an adoptive family too?" and it turned out that she was the grandma, and that the little guy was adopted from Uganda and that his mom was in the exam room with his little brother who was just adopted from the Congo. Holy run-on sentence, Batman.  And I knew of their family through my vast adoption friends network!  COOL!

It's always cool to meet other adoptive families and I don't mind being asked (I mean, hi, we're clearly not Edith's bio parents and it's silly to pretend that we're not conspicuous) so I sometimes ask if I'm pretty sure.  I don't think it's rude.

foundmylazybum

Where I worked a mom came to our programs with her adopted child from...I think the Caribbean (I can't remember now which island)..and she was pretty open about parts of their story..they would speak French to each other, and the mom told us some parts of the story--and we thought it was so awesome. We (sorry my work partner and I) just told her so and how much we enjoyed ALL the parent's stories, but especially how much we enjoyed them coming to the programs and how much they added.

I know it's a little different b/c of course we were educators..but I would say that helping promote a welcoming, safe and open environment made everyone feel like they could talk (and um this was a program for 2-5 year olds about animals ) as much or as little about whatever they wanted. 

If you are interested, I agree that setting up a play date is a good idea-showing interest in the entire family...and also remembering that it seems (to me) that your interest is driven from the fact that you seem to think you might have common ground with their family and have a common story of adoption. That does make sense as to why you would want to ask.