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Single Parents
A few questions..
H and I have had a rough relationship, to say the least and we are at a point in our relationship where we don't know if we should be together anymore. We have been down each others throats and we both feel like there is no real love in the relationship anymore.
Tonight we talked about our relationship and we have come to the conclusion that our relationship is more "friend-based" rather than "love-based", if that makes any sense. We feel like we love each other but we are just comfortable around each other and aren't really in love anymore.
I asked him if he felt like he was truly in love with me anymore and he pretty much said no, but in a different way (it's not the same.ect..)
He is a great person and a great father but I kind of feel the same way as him. The sparks just aren't there anymore.I guess my questions are if any of you have gone through this and that is why you are a single parent now? We don't want to force each other to stay together but we also don't want to make a mistake, ya know? I just don't want to jump the gun but I also don't want us to stay together for the wrong reasons.
Any suggestions would be wonderful. Thank you!
Sometimes it's okay to follow. (Picture is a clicky)
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Re: A few questions..
Hey, I recognize you from the age boards!
Have you guys tried any type of counseling? Not saying that's the be-all end-all answer, but if you're worried about jumping the gun and making a mistake, maybe it's worth going a few times to try and figure out exactly what happened?
I grew up with parents who stayed together "for the kids" and we had a completely miserable upbringing, with fights on a daily basis, and both parents taking out their frustrations on me mostly, probably because I was the oldest. So I'm not a fan of people just "sticking it out". But I AM a fan of people at least doing their best to get to the bottom of their problems and assess what's really going on, because after all, you DO have a child together, so you can't take the decision to leave or stay lightly.
The same thing happened with me and my ex, although we were never married. After we had C, things just sort of deteriorated and fell apart, and neither of us put in much effort to stop it from happening. We did have a lot of family problems going on that took our focus away from our own relationship, but it is what it is. We messed it up. The feelings we did have for each other are still there, but buried under all the built up resentments we have now. He even went so far as to start dating someone else right after he moved out of our house.
We're currently in counseling now. If nothing else, we've gotten to the bottom of what caused the distance in our relationship, and while Ex is still a royal douchecanoe sometimes (see my post below), things HAVE gotten better overall. We feel closer as friends, and are both more open to seeing where things might go beyond that if we allow them to develop. And I'll state again that fixing the relationship is only a small part of why we are in counseling, and not even the initial reason we went. That sort of has developed out of the sessions we've had since starting, and at the insistence of our counselor.
So I guess what I'm saying in this huge long post is, if you're not at the point where you're comfortable just walking away, maybe try counseling. That could either refocus your relationship, or get you guys to the point where you're comfortable walking away, and can do it in a way that's more conducive to an amicable parenting relationship.
Also, where in FL are you?
Do either of you have any want to try to see if that spark can be restored? It's common for marriages to go through phases, especially if there are kids involved. People become comfortable with each other, and may even take the other person for granted. They assume their "roles" in the family and just get used to things benig that way. It's easy to stop doing all the little and romantic things that kept that spark alive. If you guys want to work on things, take turns planning a date night every week or something similiar. Take the time to focus on being a wife and a husband, not just a mom and a dad.
Or, if you feel like the marriage has already run its course, take the steps and file for divorce. It's better to do it now while your LO is still too young to know any differently.
Thank you for responding! I am currently in New mexico but I am from Pensacola,FL. We will be going back shortly.
totally agree
marriage IS worth fighting for barring other serious dealbreaking types of problems.
definitely try counseling. give it a good, honest college try before calling it quits. divorce is expensive and messy. even in the most amicable cases.
I never wanted XH and I to stay together "for the kids" - but because I knew we were in a slump, and needed to start putting energy into OUR relationship. When times were bad, I remembered how good they were once and thought with enough hard work, we could get back there again.
He decided he was bored, found a skank who was exciting and fun, while *I* was working my tail off on trying to keep him "happy".
I hate being a divorced parent and dealing with raising my daughters mostly on my own, but it's better than being in a marriage where I was the only one willing to do the work. (And this is after we had a great marriage/relationship for almost ten years - then came kids...)
If he had agreed to counseling instead of going skank-hunting, we would probably still be married today.
Thanks everyone for the replies. Affection has always been one of my biggest complaints and after all this time, nothing has changed. I just feel like if you truly love someone then it should come naturally, not forced liked he does. He even admits that he forces it just to make me happy. Idk, maybe I'm doing something wrong.
I'm not saying he is a bad person. I'm just beginning to think we are meant for each other and might be better off apart.