Talk to me about gender disappointment

IkesHawaiian06

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I've had at least five dreams this baby is a boy. My last dream, I had the baby in my arms and checked to make sure he was a boy :-)  I've had my heart set on having a boy and a girl since I was a kid (I would love one of each). I've been trying not to get my hopes up based on my dreams because I know very well it could be a girl.With Emma, the only dreams I had, I had a baby girl. Emma refuses to believe she is having a sister, she desperately wants a baby brother.

I'm nervous that if I find out at our 20 week u/s that I'm having a girl, I'll struggle with being excited at first. This is one reason I am going team green for now. I know I will love another little girl and that when she arrives, I'll be happy she's healthy and in the end, a healthy baby is all that matters. But why do I feel like I'm going to be disappointed for awhile though? Is it normal? I'm terrified that if I don't address this, I'll wind up depressed about it.

I don't even know what advice I need, I just know that with each dream I have, the more I struggle to keep myself super neutral so that I am not disappointed somehow. It's making me feel like I won't be a good mother to this next baby if it's a girl. I love this baby already, I cannot wait for him or her to arrive, but why am I so scared about being disappointed?

pixelvixen

Hugs

Finding out you're having the opposite sex of what you *want* or firmly believe you're having, is tough.  I haven't told many people this, but when I found out #2 was a boy, I cried.  I just never thought I'd actually have a boy since I am the oldest of two girls... and there are SO MANY girls in my family.  And - I always just dreamed of Payton having a little sister, and me dressing them alike... yada yada yada.  I even bought girl bedding before my big u/s because I was so convinced I was having another girl!!  When the u/s tech found the 'boy parts' on the monitor, I was shocked.  But my shock followed by a bit sadness only lasted a little while.  You just have to get your brain to reprogram the thought process. 

And it's ok.  Totally normal.  I will have to find and send you this one article I read about even letting yourself grieve over it.  You're not going to love #2 any less.  Not at all.  There's something special about having two kids of the same sex, just as there's something special about having one of each. 

cmcmillan

It is hard, to me this was a great reason to have surprises, it made finding out a huge exciting moment with no time to feel let down because that baby is here in your arms.  (holy run on sentence, sorry)  

I was so sure W was a girl, I had washed a handful of M's handme down nb, but 1/2 the closet was girl stuff with tags on.  When D told me "it's a boy" I laughed outloud, and was completely in shock.  We didn't have a boy name decided on, and all I could think of were the cute pink summer clothes I had bought.

If you want to be Team Green, stay strong, it's an amazing moment when you find out.

Seattle_JiLLn

I think there are some freakshows who seriously are MAD that they get the "wrong" gender, but for the "normal" ones, I think it's very very common/normal/ok to have a feeling that you'd prefer one over the other.  Mostly I think it's like you said - you have this "vision" for what your family willl look like.  And of course, no matter what you end up with, you will love that baby and THAT will be what your family looks like.  But I think it's OK to have a preference and have a feeling that you want a boy or a girl.

I seriously did not want a girl.  To the point where that was on my list of reasons not to TTC #2.  I was so scared to have a girl.  Then when I was PG with Cooper, I was just sure he'd be a girl.  And I wrapped my head around it.  And I thought of all of the good reasons to have a girl.  And so I was ready at my u/s to hear "girl" even though all along I just wanted boys.  What was funny was that I had worked myself into the girl thing so much that when they said "boy" I almost felt let down and then thought "oh man, no, this is what I did want. yay!"   So I say just think about the good things with either sex and get yourself ready and if you want to find out, find out.  

No matter what, its OK to feel a little disappointed at first.  Even if it's when the baby comes out.  It doesnt' make you a bad mom. ANd it doesn't mean you don't love your baby.  It's ok.   

IdahoGirl

My story is very similar to Kim's.  In fact, she really coached me through those first few days after my U/S.

I cried too.  I also dreamed of having two little girls in bows and same/same clothes...

And it took me awhile to get excited about a boy.

I will always feel a bit guilty about that.

But I'm here to tell you that when your baby comes, you won't be able to imagine life without him/her.  I am so in love with my son it's not even funny.  I'm actually glad, now, that I had a boy and not two girls.

God has a way doing things right - unanswered prayers and all.

braveangel2

My friend struggled with this. She came back from her anatomy scan in tears. She was scared to death of having a girl. She wanted a boy badly because of her how personal experience with her parents. Her little girl is 3 and-a-half and her son is almost five months. She's a great parent to both and she loves them equally. When she talks about her daughter, you can hear the pride in her voice.

I remember talking to her about it back then, and I told her what it was like for me growing up. My bio-dad's parents made no bones about me not being a boy, especially to my mom. I didn't pick up on until I was older, and it made me sad and angry and eventually I cut all contact off with them, but that was more because they were unhealthy. When their daughter had a son, they celebrated big time. It doesn't bother me so much now, especially since they're dead and gone, and I haven't spoken to that side in years. But it does make me extra sensitive to the disappointment. I must have tested my guy on it a million times. So what I told my friend was that she could be as disappointed as she wanted to be now - go through the emotions and explore them during her pregnancy, but once the baby got here they needed to be dealt with and done. Sounds something a crazy person would say I'm sure, but that's the kind of friends we were (and yes, we're still friends).

gina000

I admit I was a bit disspointed when I found out we were having a boy.  I had always pictured myself with a girl, afterall I was a girl and could relate to girls.  I cried.  I love my son with all my heart, I admit I still think about how I am going to relate to him as he gets older, what are we going to do together but I know I was meant to have a son and I love him dearly.  I have to say, walking into Gymboree and seeing all the cute girly Easter dress made me wish I had a girl for about one second ( really though who doesn't love all the cute Easter dresses). I think what you are going through is totally normal. hugs.

tfarabians

I always wanted a little girl and a little boy.  Its one of the reasons we found out what I was having this time so that I could let it sink in and get over it.  I was disappointed at first because I was so sure I was having a girl, but honestly even though I would love to buy little girl clothes and bows and do spa days it really doesn't matter now that J is here because I wouldn't trade him for the world.

IkesHawaiian06

Thank you for your responses! I'm feeling better knowing that I'm not alone. I know that I would love this baby just as much either way and I know that in the end, I wouldn't trade him or her for the world.

I'm grateful for the experiences you've shared because they've helped me realize that the disappointment doesn't last. I'm still thinking about staying team green, but I'll discuss it with DH some more. 

Thank you again. I let go and let whatever happens happen. 

MrsH_08

My sister went through this with her first.  She and I have always wanted to have more than one girl and then maybe a boy.  She had her kids first and was CERTAIN her first was a girl.  She only referred to the baby as a girl, they'd done the Shettles method for a girl, and she wouldn't entertain talk of a boy.  At her gender u/s, she found out she was having a boy. She went through a grieving process for about 24-48 hours.  She had to admit that she was still thrilled to be expecting a healthy baby.  She also clung to the hope that maybe she'd still have a girl some day.  Well, she now has 3 boys and they're done.  At the big u/s for her 2nd, though, she realized she wouldn't mind a boy at all.  They had all the stuff and had learned how to raise a boy.  And by #3, she was in the same mindset.

I was so sure that I would have the girls, then.  But my experience was not about gender so much as number.  I have always wanted twins, even though they don't run in our family.  And once we started IF treatments, twins seemed possibly likely.  Bot DH and I talked like we were having twins some day and I was so ready to hear it was 2 babies.  When we had our first few u/s for this baby, I made the RE look around for a second baby.  Nope, just the one.  DH really hoped it was a girl so he could have daddy's little girl.  I had to almost sort of grieve not having twins.  But after all we've been through to even carry a healthy baby, we lost all of those thoughts pretty quickly and were just so happy to be expecting at all!

I do plan to TTC again soon after this baby and we're both still kinda sorta hoping for twin girls to finish off the family!   We'll be thrilled to just get to be parents, truly.  Twin girls would be icing on the cake, though.

MissLauraQ

YOu can add me to the list of people who cried abut gender too.

Everyone wanted Willow to be a girl because she came from a family of all boys.

But me, I DID NOT WANT A GIRL.  I don't do princesses or dress up or bows and makeup.  I did not want the emotions and drama and pre-teen hell.

But I got a girl - and I adore her.  They are right you will love the other child just as much.

Although I will say - everytime she's a drama emotional hell - I tell her dad : "Well, here's the girl you wanted!"  I'm still not too happy about that part