Tell me your story...

Watergirl21

Hi everyone,

I am still married but things aren't great and I having been thinking for awhile about a trial seperation.  I have been married 2 1/2 years and the whole time it's been rough. At first I thought it was just adjusting to getting married, but now we have a LO and things don't seem to be any better.  DH smokes cigarettes and pot (he said he had quit before we got married) but obviously didn't, he brought a lot of debt into our marriage and then quit his job after I had LO.  even though he was unemployed he found money to buy himself a smart phone- but somehow didn't have money to buy me a anniversary or christmas present.  He is incredibly moody and threatens divorce everytime we disagree about anything.  I have caught him lying (for no particular reason) and when I need his support he isn't there for me or DD.  He has also decided he doesn't like my family and avoids them.  He comes from a very disfunctional family and I think a lot of his behavior is learned from that.  He will not go to counselling. I feel used, unappreciated, and disrespected.

I am 35 and I really want more kids- but I don't think I want to have them with him.  I really want to be in a happy healthy marriage but I am scared I won't meet anyone else and I will be sad and miserable on my own.  Not that that is a reason to stay.  I just wonder what other people have been through- why they left and if they met someone new.

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ok when considering leaving you dont want to worry about "finding someone else"- first, prepare yourself with the fact that sure maybe you WONT meet someone- and that you're going to be doing it all on your own if need be.  

you wont be sad or miserable.  you have to grow your own garden first before you can love anyone else anyway, so you need to take time to heal after this relationship, if you do end up leaving.

i left my ex because of domestic violence.

yes i did meet someone new.  but i also took plenty of time to be by myself, get my son situated in a new living arrangement, stabilize our life, and reflect, and mostly, heal.  

sure, i was lonely at times, but then my friends and family would come over and keep me company.  i read a lot of great books, started running 5k races, started coaching figure skating again, and learned how to play chess.  i knew i would be lonely sometimes, but it was worth it to have peace of mind and a peaceful, happy home.  it was so cathartic actually.

just take time and be by yourself.  dont worry about someone new for a little while.  and being cautious is of the utmost importance now that you have a child.  be very careful who you let into your life.  hope that helps.

 

good luck in whatever you choose. 

sinisterkat01

Just lurking on this board, but I saw your story and wanted to offer (((hugs))). 

fromthewomb

If you're unhappy more than happy and he is not pulling his weight, get yourself a life of your own. You'll be able to enjoy LO more too.

achase123

Yah, ditto PP, don't stay because you are scared you won't find anyone else.  That's twisted backwards way of thinking.  You should never make decisions in life because of fear.  Do you really want to bring another baby into an unhealthy situation because you think you won't find anyone better to be a sperm donor?

I can tell you my story, but I hope you aren't asking for our situations so you can look at them and be like "well, my situation isn't THAT bad" and have it justify staying.  If you aren't happy then you need to consider leaving, regardless of what anyone else has gone through.

I left for many problems that sound like what you are dealing with. XH lied, smoked pot, was unemployed but bought himself ridiculous things, was very moody and threatened divorce everytime we fought.  However, what truly sent me over the edge was when I found that his pot addiction had morphed into a full-blown meth addiction and I also found out he was cheating.  That was the nail in the coffin.  Oh and he was also very manipulative and emotionally abusive.

You should read: The Manipulative Man, it sounds like you might find your husband's traits in some of these chapters.