Does anyone else hate who IF has made them become? (long and vent)

mdluv21

I do not like the person I am these days at all.  I have totally isolated myself from friends and family and feel so angry.

I am still going to therapy but I think not working is the worst thing that could have happened.  I have all this time to just sit and think and well...feel sorry for myself.

I am surrounded by pregnant friends and family and newborns and it is just too hard.  I WANT to be happy for them and I KNOW that my IF and loss is not their fault but I am having a hard time actually feeling that way.

Even friends I have met because of IF from these boards and my RESOLVE group I feel jealous of these days because they can have a successful pregnancy at least when they do get pregnant.

I have had IUIs, IVF, being OOP for all it and then had a terrifying pregnancy that ended with a labor and epidural and my babies dying.  Now I am having the equivalent of a c-section and will never be able to experience vaginal delivery again.  I hate that my only time experiencing that was when my babies died; but I know that I need a trans-abdominal cerclage or else I will never be brave enough to try again knowing that my body could cause more babies to die. I am having such a pity party for one.

I know people have had it worse than I have but we just seems to be such a small minority.

 Please tell me I am not the only one who has hateful/jealous moments.  I feel like such a terrible person sometimes.

On a somewhat different note...I have started outlining a book.  I am not sure it will ever go anywhere; but I am hoping the writing process will keep me sane while I wait for my surgery date.  I had a few short stories and poems published in college and I've always wanted to attempt a full book, so I figure what the hell?

Edwina.McDunnough

Huge hugs. You have been through so much, your feelings are completely understandable. I do feel very much the same way on many of your points, though you have experiences way beyond the scope of my own. I hope your book project keeps you sane and is helpful to others someday.

stei8086

Yes, big hugs to you. All of us in the IF feel just the same way. You are grieving and it is totally natural for you to feel the way you do. IF is sooo unfair! 

 Hopefully, you will be ready to try again one day and I wish you lots of luck! 

STL34

((HUGE HUGS))  I hate what IF can do to us.  You have been throught a lot.  It is completely understandable for you to have these feelings.  I have definitely had some of the same feelings and I know that their is nothing anyone can say that will make those feelings go away.  Try not to be hard on yourself.  It will only make you feel worse.

Good luck with the book!  That sounds like a great project!  That is something I wish I could do!

OCW2010

Oh Luvie I'm sitting here in tears reading this.  I can't say I know how you feel bc you have been through so so much.  But I just wanted to offer my support and say I am thinking of you, and you have my prayers that these new things you're doing with the doctors in Chicago will lead you to a safe, healthy, and happy full term pregnancy and healthy baby.  Huge hugs my friend.

meg_koole

Oh sweetie.  You have been through way more then anyone should have to.  You would be clinically crazy if that experience didn't change you in some way.

Just try to remind yourself that there is nothing you can do to change what happened and try to keep plugging ahead.

Big Huge Hugs sweetie!

Married071709

((((Hugs))))  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I HATE IF and all the crap that comes with it.  (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

may2806

I feel exactly the same way. ((HUGS))

scooterq

Oh sweetie!  You have been through too much!  It is beyond unfair and you're feeling are so completely understandable!!  Huge ((hugs))

cookie_queen

I know how you are feeling all too well and it's not fair that either of us (or anyone else) has to feel this way. Grief is a lifelong journey. Somedays will be easier and some days (weeks, months) will be harder. Anger is a very normal part of this.

I'm pissed often at how easy it is for some people and how much people take getting pg and carrying a pg to term for granted. I just want to shake them sometimes until their teeth rattle. 

You are absolutely not a terrible person. You aren't not happy for them you are just sad for you and that is okay.

I'm terrified of a vaginal delivery since Cal got stuck and died sometime while stuck in the birth canal. My body did that. What if it happens again? 

((huge hugs)) 

I hope writing helps you.  Let me know if you want to talk.

Bella2u07

BIG (((HUGS))) 

IF is terrible to all of us, it's all unfair and none of us should have to go through any of it and you have been through so much, it's expected it would change you.  IF changes all of us.  Today you are having a bad day, tomorrow might be bad too, but you will feel a little better each and every day that goes by.

You are always in my thoughts!

madelyn07

((((hugs))))

 

vanessagorc

Huge Hugs, I can't even imagine how hard this has all been.

Yes, i do relate to what you are saying.  I don't like who I have become.  I feel like i am full of hate, towards all and everyone.

I irrationally have anger towards people who conceived naturally.  I would rather watch TV than be social...and some friends, i can't even stand the idea of talking to.

I'm seeing a therapist too, but no "light bulb moments" yet for me either.

Ginger71

I'm sorry....no one should have to feel this way. I also struggle every day with baby pics and pg announcements and baby shower invites,etc. Some days are better than others and it really depends on my mood. That is the scary part sometimes becasue I have been caught in situations where I tear up or get red and I hate showing vulnerability. 6 failed IVFs,m/c etc and now we are onto DE $$$$$$. So, I get how you feel.

You are not alone. You can page me any time and I'll give you my email if you want. We're all here to listen ((hugs))

mdluv21

Thanks so much ladies - it helps to not feel so alone.  I just feel so guilty for the way I have been feeling...I look in the mirror sometimes and barely recognize the person I have become.

I know many have you been through more years of IF and IVF than I have by far, and I admire your strength for not giving up more than I could describe.

 

etoyama

HUGE, HUGE ((((HUGS)))) You have been through something that is, as Edwina said, above and beyond what most of us on here have. How could you possibly not feel angry, sad, resentful? I know you already know this, but sometimes it helps to hear - whatever you're feeling is the "right" way to feel. You are a strong, kind and brave, and I know you will heal in time. Not ever forget, but heal. Publishing your work sounds like a perfect way to begin that healing process. I hope to read some of what you've written some day!

Jackie2200

Hang in there sweetie.  It's so hard.  So, so hard.  I've been getting worse lately too.  It's like right when our babies died, we went into shock.  Now that time has passed, the wall that we put up to be able to live is coming down and we get in a rut. 

My SIL is about to deliver and my sister is due in September.  Several friends just had babies and are due through July.  I feel so selfish but I can't even talk to them because of my own issues.  My sister is my best friend and all I could do was text her on her birthday 2 weeks ago.  I cried even doing that. 

This is the absolute worst club to be in but you're not alone.

 I absolutely love the idea of you working on a book.  I think it will be therapeutic! 

Thinking of your angels and mine....

 PM me if you want to chat more.

 

 

DeputiesWife

::huge hugs::

You have every right to feel the way you feel. You have been thru so much.

I hate myself for the things I think, for being unhappy sometimes (read, a lot more than i ever was), for putting on a fake smile or voice when an announcement happens.

I have become a bitter person, a very jealous person and i truly do try to look at the positive things, I try to focus on what you said, that it is their fault we have IF and they dont, because its truly not. its so hard.

My bff just had a baby yesterday, while happy for them, i am just so sad for me, for us, that im failing DH. I feel that way a lot.

Good luck with your book, hun.

::hugs::

07may07

Sending you huge huge ((hugs)).  IF sucks in so many ways.

I feel so similar to how you described (although we've had different IF paths.)  I hate IF for robbing me of being able to have a normal pregnancy.  However, there is collateral damage to being IF and that makes me equally as sad.  My relationship with friends and family has been seriously affected by IF.  I hate that it has and wish I could change it.  But emotionally, I struggle with friendships and when I have such feelings of jealousy b/c they can get and stay pregnant and I can't.  I'd rather stay home most nights rather than go out and pretend I'm happy.  I avoid reunions b/c I can't bear the thought of answering the "Do you have kids?" question.

I wish I had some words to make your pain and sadness go away.  All I can tell you is that you are not alone in having these moments.