feeling really sad

lhcooper

Ok, so I have held it together (mostly) through 6 IUI's and a scary ectopic pregnancy -- and that's not counting holding it together through the miscarriage back in 2009 and then being really hyperthyroid sick for 4 months in early 2010.  But the other day it hit me that this past Monday--April 18--was the due date for that 2009 pregnancy, and if that had gone well I would have been holding a 1-year-old's birthday party last weekend.  And that thought, which I so wish I hadn't had but now I can't get rid of, has just made me so incredibly sad, on top of my FP arriving yesterday right on schedule.  I know it's not over, we have another cycle to go naturally and then IVF in mid-May/June, and then even if that doesn't work there will be other options--including just trying naturally or doing more IUIs, especially since it now seems DH and I will be able to live together next year, which is fantastic--but I just am feeling like I carry this sadness at not getting successfully pregnant around with me all the time.  I'm even starting to cry as I write this.  I feel BAD.  Good thing I see my therapist on Monday; I can't believe I didn't take the earlier appointment they offered me for this past Monday, but I didn't have the thought about the due date until that evening.

I need a drink, but I've been so good about avoiding alcohol (maybe 6 drinks, total, since mid-January) and I don't want to make a bad situation worse by wondering if I've ruined my eggs if I have a drink tonight.  What do you think--should I just have a glass of wine?  F-ck.

Thanks for listening.

cmyrck

Oh, I'm so sorry.  That's a lot of really rugged stuff all piled together.  FWIW, I'd vote no on the wine.  I doubt it's likely to actually do any damage to your eggs, but drinking while in a bad place emotionally just isn't a good idea and is likely to make you feel worse on down the road.  Plus you don't need the anxiety of wondering if it did cause a problem.  But please consider calling someone - it looks like your DH is not nearby at the moment? - a friend, somebody it's ok to be a little emotional around if necessary and ask them to keep you company or get you out of the house to do something silly and fun - distract yourself.  I had a miscarriage a few years back and I swear I cried for forever.  And ever.  And then again every time my thoughts would drift in that general direction.  It gets easier in time, of course, but it does help if you're not slammed against thinking about it over and over like IF will do.  In the meantime I don't know a better thing than to just try to take your mind off of it.  Even a highly engaging book can help.  Feel better -

winidpu

Have the glass of wine. We all need a glass of wine every now and again. I say it's better than therapy any day!

I am sorry you are so very sad and I can sympathize. We all can. Hang in there. I believe it will happen for all of us in one way or another...it has to.

boymamaco

((((Coop)))) Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. I'm so sorry you are feeling that way. I definitely understand the weight of it, and am so sorry you are reexperiencing those emotions. I say enjoy the glass of wine, guilt free, and then get back on your healthy, no alcohol kick tomorrow. I'm glad you are seeing the therapist soon, and I hope you have some friends or healthy outlets over the weekend.

BTW, I didn't know you and your hubby were going to be able to be in the same place again. That is super exciting! Congrats!

danish16

No advice; just sending you lots of virtual (((hugs)))!

solarflare

I am SO sorry.  I am also having a rough night of IF woes, and just wanted to tell you I empathize with you. I hope you had that relaxing glass of wine. It's ok to do that, especially if it brings your stress level down. In my mind, stress is a worse toxin, but of course that is a personal decision.

I hope you feel better tomorrow. We will all get through this somehow... 

MelleTX

Hang in there Coop - big hugs to you!

MrsJordanalmond

((((((((  big squishy hugs   ))))))))

irishgirl0525

I am so sorry that you are feeling sad. I don't have any advice either but I'm wishing you well. I hope you had that glass of wine.

 

mtlaurel

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and continue to go through. You are strong and brave, but even the strong and brave need a drink every now and then! Big hugs.

Mrs.McIrish

I'm too late to chime in on the wine but still wanted to respond. I hope you are feeling a little better this morning. Sometimes sleep helps.  Hang in there and Hugs:-)

CityPixie

jumping in late to give you a hug, coop.  hang in there.  Let it all out over the would-be party and then remember...onward.  -Pix

owlprof

I echo everyone else in sending hugs your way.   I hope today is a better one!