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libbyann
member
How far apart is too far apart for you?
libbyann
member
We are supposed to start TTC #2 in January. I know that's a long way off, but I am SO not ready. Like the thought of being pregnant again right now makes me start feeling nauseous. I'm being selfish of course, but I'm really excited about the direction I'm headed with my fitness and I do not want to give my body up for ~2 yrs again anytime soon (9mos pregnancy + 15ish months nursing). If I'm being honest, this is probably 90% of the reason I'm not ready right now. Other reasons...I'm still really young. And having one baby completely rocked our world - what will having 2 do? I feel like we've gotten to a point with Will where he's pretty independent and I'm not ready to give up the little bit of freedom we've got just yet. I feel like DH and I are finally (finally) getting back the spark in our marriage - I want to go on dates, go to concerts, go dancing just the two of us and not have to worry about a newborn.
So we're thinking about delaying it ~2 yrs until Will is closer to 4. He'd be nearly 5 when the baby was born. Is this too far apart? I want our kids to be close as siblings - is this going to make it a lot harder for them? I'd really like to hear your honest thoughts b/c like I said, I know I'm being selfish. But I'm just not sure that not wanting our kids to be more than 3 years apart is a good reason to have another baby, KWIM?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How far apart is too far apart for you?
first of all, you aren't being selfish. if having a baby (trying) right now isn't making _you_ feel good, you shouldn't do it.
if we have another, H will be at least 4 when we the baby is born.
lots of people have em close and it suits them fine, and some spread em out and that suits them fine.
i asked the board out here and got a wide range of answers, but someone told me that you can't plan assuming they'll be best friends. if they were suited to be best friends, they'll still be that way if they are 2-3-4-5 years apart.
good luck with your decision.
I don't think so. 3-4 years apart to me is still great, plus only 1 in daycare and college at a time
My sister and I are 7 years apart and still very close. My DH and SIL are 4 and also very close. Then again, my mom is one of 6 (15 year span there) and they are all close as well.
I think closeness has more to do with how you raise your children rather than age.
ETA: My brother and I are 2 years apart, and really not that close. I mean I love him and we talk to each other, but not close.
Thank you so much for saying that. I've never looked at it that way and that makes a lot of sense!
Marisa was 3.5 when Natalie was born, and the spacing is awesome. She's interested in her sister, helpful, and understands that sometimes I have to tend to baby first. My brother and I are the sme age apart, and were very close for our childhood...we're not as close now, but it's mostly because I'm so close to my SIL.
If you're not ready, don't rush it! As PP said, closeness is never a guarantee, and kids can be close regardless of spacing.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
My brother and I are about 3 1/2 years apart and we're super close. He's one of my best friends in the world, so I think that's playing a part in my insecurity with waiting so long. But I guess just having another baby doesn't mean that they'll automatically be best friends like my brother and I
I told DH that if we aren't PG with #2 the day Audrey turns 5, then the babyshop is closing for good. It really isn't so much about how close the kiddos will (or won't) be but the idea of shipping one kiddo off to kinder (
:) and "starting over" with a NB at home just does not sound appealing at.all.
I have no intentions of going back to my pre-baby career but I would like to think that at some point I would like to re-enter the workforce, too, and if my intention/hope/plan is to SAH with my baby(ies) until they go to kinder, then too much of an age gap just prolongs that plan.
But ditto Brandy. If *you* aren't ready, then there is no pressure to TTC. I know many people who have kids that are 5+ years apart (and many of my friends are 5+ years apart from their siblings) and they all survived just fine.
DH was already in Kinder when his sister was born. He remembers her coming home and although he never said any of the "send her back" kind of things, he remembers wishing she would just go away. She was not a welcome addition to his little world. They were never close and still don't talk much. To him, she was always a baby. When he was learning to drive and dating, she was barely getting out of Elementary school. When h
So for him, having our kids close(r) together was very important to him. For me, I knew if I didn't take the plunge to subject myself to pregnancy and newborn life soon, I might never be able to rationalize doing that to myself ever again! You know, the shock of having a newborn only becomes more acute the more years you go between having them! Plus, OMG, you forget so much! Abby was 2.5 and it would take me days/weeks with Emily sometimes before I went "Oh, duh, I remember this stage. Here's what works".
It's OK to be selfish. There are definitely pros and cons to both situations. A HUGE pro to spacing your kids longer is only having one in college at a time, especially if you were planning on helping with that financial burden. The independence thing IS great for kids. I wanted a little more for Abby before a 2nd, which is why we don't have 2 under 2 (or 2 under 1 =P). Some people want/need even more. Do what is right for you and your family.
ditto the pp's. i don't think age is a dealbreaker on whether or not siblings are close at all.
for me, i wanted the baby phase done & done (&done. lol) and wanted my body back for good. i didn't want to get back into great shape and then go back to pg, etc so my reasons for having them close are just as 'selfish' as yours! i think a healthy happy mom is key to healthy happy kids
I'm glad you said that, because a lot of the sadness I'm feeling right now is because my children won't be spaced the way I had hoped they would be. I know, know one can plan on this kind of thing, but not having any issues with ttc#1, I just thought it would be just as easy, and now I'm really bummed about it.
libby- only you guys can know when the right time is for you. And January is quite a ways off, I wouldn't stress about it too much right now. Re-evaluate in December and if you still feel the same way then put it off for 6 months, re-evaluate again. I think when the time is right you will definitely know and you won't have to even think about it.
I'm 4 1/2 years older than my sister, and 8 years older than my brother. I was adamant about NOT having my kids spaced out that far (wasn't exactly aiming for the 17 months thing though, lol). As kids, my sister and I always wished we had a sibling closer in age and were so envious of the friends we had who had a brother or sister at the same school. We fought a lot - she wanted to be doing what my friends and I were doing, but she was so much younger that nobody wanted her around. Obviously sisters fight no matter the age gap, but it was definitely worse because she was so much younger. I felt lonely sometimes at home because there wasn't a lot that my sister and I could do together (and any interaction with my brother was more about me helping to take care of him). We didn't really get close and have much in common until I was in college and my sister in high school. I will say that now, as adults, we are all extremely close .... that relationship just didn't really get there until we had more in common. I'm not saying we didn't love each other - we absolutely did - but we just didn't have a lot of common ground until later in life. My mom even says she always wished we were closer in age, it just wasn't possible for them since they were extremely young - 17 and 20 - when they had me and had to finish school and get careers going before having more kids. She says it was tough to have kids in such different life stages - I was 10 and wanted to go to a movie, but there was a 2 year old making that impossible, kwim? So for my family, I wanted closer-aged siblings, even if it was going to be tougher work for us upfront.
We go back and forth on a 3rd, and we've decided it needs to happen in the next year or two or not at all. We don't want our kids (#2 and #3) more than 3.5 years apart. We want them to grow up together, and I also don't want the baby stuck at home for years after the next-oldest sibling leaves the nest. My brother was home with mom and dad for 4 years after my sister left and was bored to tears as an "only" child.
All that said, obviously there are a million families with wider age gaps, and I'm sure many would say it's the best way to go. Do what feels right for your family.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
I think you're plan is wonderful and I don't think it sounds selfish in the least. I think it sounds very self aware, which I think is awesome! :-)
And after seeing how life changing the second was I totally changed my stance on thinking having kids close in age is the "better" way. I always thought that growing up since my sister and I are 18 months apart but now that I've been through 1.5 years of two kids I totally see the other side and I totally see why its also awesome to wait! Think of all that one on one time you're going to get with Will and how precious that is. And how when you have your second Will could be in school (or soon to be) so you'll get to still have lots of one on one time with the new baby (and with Will when the baby is napping). I guess what I mean is that there are pros and cons of both and I can totally see why people wait and that big gaps in age can be wonderful too!!!
And I totally agree with fjaril's point! I think personality and parenting (as in not messing up siblings relationships) have a way bigger impact on whether or not they are close as adults. And even though it may seem like they are far apart as kids when they are adults that's not much difference at all, and our adult life like ~75% of our life.
Jakob and Layna are 6.5 years apart. He was in first grade when she was born. When I was pregnant, I was worried that they would never be close and that the age gap was too large. I was wrong.
They are awesome together. Simply awesome. Jakob was spectacular when she was born. There wasn't any jealousy issues. He understood that he would have to wait for something if I was busy with the baby and he was totally okay with that. Most of the time, he could help himself - like get a snack or just go to the bathroom. He was a huge help when she was little. He could fetch the pacifier in the backseat, hold a bottle, entertain her while I cooked dinner....It was so easy to adjust to having two kids I can't imagine how anyone manages with a toddler and a baby!
Besides all that....they adore each other. Jakob is as proud of Layna as we are. He points out cute stuff she does and he tells anyone who'll listen about his little sister. They play together, she tags along when his friends are over, they fight and wrestle with each other, she cries when we drop him off at school.
Having kids close together is no guarantee they will love each other and be close. You do what's right for you and your family and everything will work out just fine.
My sister and I are 8 years apart. While we weren't the closest when we were young (she did let me hang out with her), we are very close now. My brother and I are 3 years apart and we weren't close growing up. I think it will depend upon the kids personalities on whether they will be close or not. You could have them as Irish twins, and they may not be close at all.
I think you need to be ready for another baby, and if you are wanting some more time for you and your husband right now, then have it. You are not being selfish--you are being honest and realistic.
just tossing out the ditto when it comes to close (in age) sibs =/= close (relationship) sibs.
my brother and i are 2 years apart. we only talk at Christmas when i go home.
conversely, i had a great friend in high school/ college whose younger sister was born when he was in middle school and they are besties. i think so much of it has to do w/ the kids' personalities, family dynamic, etc.
Ditto this! i don't think the age apart has much bearing on whether siblings will be close and get along. my brother and i are less than 2 years apart and did not get along growing up and are not close now. but i don't think that has anything to do with being 2 years apart. it's just that he's a jerk. lol.
i personally wouldn't want to start the baby process over when i've got a 4 or 5 year old. i feel like i'd just be getting more and more "freedom" and then bam, start over with the baby stages again.
another ditto. My brother and I are only 18 months apart and not close. We had times that we were when growing up, but really only when we were forced to be. (dad was military and we moved. so we had no other friends for a few months when we got to a new place). DH and his sis are much closer than my brother and I ever were and they are 3.5 years apart.
My daughters are 23 months apart and that is what I have always wanted, very close in age. However, it was SO difficult for me to adjust and I know that a large part of that was b/c of DD#1's diagnosis with RS that happened at the same time that DD#2 was born. But it has still left such a bad taste in my mouth that IF we have a 3rd, it will not be for at least another year or longer. That means that we probably won't have a 3rd because DH does not want to be what he considers to be too old (he turns 41 in a couple of months).
Back to your question though, I would not want them more than 4 years apart. I think it would be really hard to go back to the newborn stage if it was too long. I don't think you are being selfish with your decision though considering you will be the one making most (if not all) of the sacrifices. I feel the same way about finally getting your body back. I am just now getting in shape again after getting pregnant with DD#1 and my second child is 15 months old!
i don't think there is a right/wrong answer here. i grew up with 6 siblings - some were close in age (i have a brother who is 15m older and one who is 16m younger) and yet, now that i'm an adult, i'm closest to my oldest sister who is 7 years older than me, and also my little sister who is 6 years younger than me. i really do think it comes down to the personalities of the kids. sure, it was nice growing up to have siblings close in age, but now, our ages really don't matter at all.
i think it's great to wait until you're ready -- everything will work out.
That's kind of what I worry about - we'll get too far out and I won't want to go back to the newborn stage. But adoption has always been on the table for us too, so that might be something we consider when the time comes. I know I don't have to make any hard and fast decisions right now and that's really comforting.
Thank you all again for sharing your stories! It helps a lot to read from others' perspectives!
I'll tell you something--I'm one of 5 kids. I have two brothers: one who is 1.5 years older than me, and one 12 years older than me. I am much, much closer to my brother who is 12 years older than me. I think it just has to do with our personalities being more compatible. You do what is best for you and your family!
:-)
I can relate when you say you're not ready to be pregnant again. I'm down over 115 lbs from when DD was born and I'm scared to death of having to start over!
I am 4.5 years older than my sister and I know my mom enjoyed it because I was a big help (and a free babysitter when I got older). It was a big adjustment for me because I was used to being an only child (and grandchild, and niece) for so long. I also think it was beneficial to me to learn that the world did not revolve around me (though it was hard to deal with at the time) and that's part of the reason we definitely want a second child.
We also keep getting questions about when we're going to have #2 and my response is always "whenever you decide to pick up the daycare tab."
The Blog
1. Don't make a decision for next January based on how you feel now. Things can change in the matter of a couple of days or weeks regarding how you feel about being pregnant again. 8 months is a LONG time to change (or not) how you feel about being pg again.
2. Ditto all the others--I think sibling closeness is a factor of personality, not of age gap. My brother and I are 20 months apart and are super close. My sister and I are 5 years apart and are still super close. We weren't so much growing up, but now that we are adults and able to relate to each other a little better. Our oldest brother is 5 years older than me (10 years older than my sister, who is the baby), and he's not really close to any of us. He was always so far ahead of the rest of us in his life stages that he just wasn't really around to bond.
3. To answer your question, 4 years would have been too far apart for us. There was no way I wanted to get THAT far out of the baby stage, only to have to start all the way over. We wanted our kids close in age so that not only would they be in the same relative life stages and interests as each other, but we would be dealing with only one relative life stage at a time as well. But that is just as "selfish" of a reason as the one you state. It's all about personal preference--there is no right or wrong!
OP- by now I'm sure you get the point, but I do want to add a l'il something regarding being afraid of having to start over with a newborn once your current LO is 4.
I felt just like you do when my younger was 18 months (even though she was my 2nd daughter she was my first experience with newborn/infancy). It had been so hard, and I needed some time to adjust, reconnect with DH, and figure out what the flip I was doing.
By waiting until DD2 turned 3 to start TTC, I really wanted a baby, a newborn, and all the crazy sh*t that comes with it (chalk it up to mommy amnesia). So I don't feel like I'm starting over in a bad way, more like I'm seasoned and really excited in a way I wouldn't have been if I hadn't had a break to adjust to the insanity that becoming a mom entails. I've surrendered, in a good way, and now I'm like "bring it on!"
My two daughters are 28 months apart and are besties and have been since day one. #3 will be 6.5 yrs younger than my oldest and 4 yrs younger then my youngest. I hope all three girls will be besties but you just never know.
I know someone whose DDs are the same age differnece as my girls and they HATE each other.... So SAD
As for the body thing - trust me you will bounce back with #2 just like with #1.
About being out of the baby stage and jumping back in.... ask me in 6 months when I have to do that. HAHA
Only you and DH and know what is best for your family - you will make work what ever you decide!