Fair visitation involving a 7 mo old???

shannonhanks

I usually just lurk around here since I really try my best to stay out of my fiances and BM situation in caring for their daughter.  But I am coming to see if anyone can offer any opinions as to what kind of visitation schedule to try to request when he goes to court next month. Their daughter is 7 months old and he currently is only allowed to see his daughter 2 nights a week for 1 hour under BM and her fathers supervision. This worked for a while bc fiance didnt expect to just start overnight visits with a newborn but now that she is getting a little older he would like to get a court order in place.  So now we are trying to figure out where the happy medium is...we have no desire to hurt BM and take the baby for extended periods of time, I feel like that could be traumatizing and unfair. But on the other hand fiance also deserves his fair timing. Any suggestions? I apologize for the rambling post, just not sure how to organize this situation well lol! TIA!

ambrvan

I have a lot to say here. but I will keep it short. There is no reason why a father cannot care for his child overnight from the moment they are born. My own DH had joint custody from the moment SD was born and BM had her for a week, then he had her for a week. I know many fathers who have had this same arrangement (or EOW or EOW w/ a weekday/night on the off week) at the moment with their own newborns or babies under 6mo. In fact, I think it is a very good idea and shows what kind father they are prepared to be or willing to step up to become.

At 7mo, I think he should have long ago sought a solid CO giving him regular visitation. If he is no danger to the child, then there is no reason for his time to be supervised. What was his status with BM before the child's birth? Was he involved during pregnancy? That would be the only reason I would see supervision being warranted, to make sure he is capable of and willing to care for the child.

Seek a lawyer immediately. If your FI is new and clueless in this stuff, then DO NOT try this without one. Even if you can settle outside of court (which is always the best option if you can get to a desirable agreement), it is still best to have a lawyer. Some may offer free consultations. Can you get a referral from a friend? Try to find someone who is experienced in fighting for fathers' rights. Is your FI on the birth certificate? If not, you'll need a paternity test ASAP. Also be prepared for Child Support. He may even be responsible for back pay from child's birth. Not sure if that is applicable in all states, but in some, it does work that way.

nickelbabi

You should create a transitional visitation plan that gradually increases visitation as his daughter gets older. It will ultimately depend on what your DF's goal is, i.e. at a certain age, does he want to have her 50% of the time? If so, than work towards that. A start would be to have two hour visits, unsupervised. Time could increase each month and eventually it could turn into one overnight visit, than weekend visits. I don't know what to tell you about what is "fair" as far as the milestones he sets, but this would be a slow, easy transition for everyone.

I don't know what BM's childcare situation is, but a lot of 7 month olds spend 8hrs/day in daycare and lots of 18 month olds spend the night at their grandparents house, so I think DF deserves to spend  a decent amount of time with his daughter, even as an infant. Going to court is expensive and it can take a long time to get a court date, so I recommend whatever plan your propose will work for DF for a few years, at least until she starts school. Have DF think about what he wants for holidays, too.

fellesferie

Does BM breastfeed? What is your FI's work schedule like? Does the baby go to daycare? What kind of time does your FI want?

The answers to all of these would drastically change what I would tell you.

First and most importantly, your FI needs a CO to enforce and protect his rights.

Your first steps, IMO should be get an attorney and talk to the baby's pediatrician. The pedi should be able to help guide you in terms of what would be best for the baby--and if he can't, then he can recommend someone who can. 

I've heard of judges not allowing overnights with the NCP until 12-18 months of age. And if BM breastfeeds, that would make it even more difficult for your FI to have overnights with her.

If your FI's work schedule would allow it, I think a couple of evenings a week and 8 hours on the weekend might be a reasonable thing for a baby that's seven months old.  

Maybe in 5 months (by the time she's 1 year old), a couple of overnights every week would work great.

Gradually increasing the time he has with his DD isn't just for her--it's for him, too. I think it would be extremely stressful to go from 2 hours of supervised visitation a week to having an overnight. Your FI needs to get a CO in place and then learn to care for his daughter.

And to PP, maybe I'm uninformed, but I can't see how a one week rotation can possibly be in the best interests of a newborn. My milk had barely come in at one week.  

Banana44

I am going to answer this as a BM to a 2 year old (I'm also SM to a 7 year old).  I BF until DD was 23 months old - however after 12 months I only fed at night and in the morning.  Personally, I think overnights would have been traumatizing to both me and DD before 18 months.

However, 8 - 12 hours during a weekend day shouldn't be too bad. As long as BM could supply enough milk (if she is BF).  This would give your fiance time to bond with his DD and time to learn how to care for her.  I think after the age of 18 - 24 months your fiance's schedule should start increasing first with 1 overnight then eventually to a weekend (or also weeknight overnight).

Do you have everything at your house that is needed to care for an infant?  Your fiance is going to have to make sure he has a crib, the correct foods, supplies, bathing supplies - everything thta is needed for care.

My DH seperated when his DS was 2.  DH and BM started out slowly with visitiation - first DH went back to the house everyday to see DS and then he would have him at his house for a weeknight and then 1 weekend day and night.  DS was past 3 before DH was getting full weekends.  Now, I don't think it needs to go this slow - but oyu definitely need a transition plan that gradually increases custody.

Is there any chance of working with the BM to create a fair schedule?

ballmom

Have you looked to see what your state's guidelines are for PT with an infant? That will give you a good idea on where to start. For example, IN's is the following for infants:

2. Parenting Time In Early Infancy. (Birth through Age 9 Months)

(A)   Birth through Age 4 Months:

(1)    Three (3) non-consecutive ?days? per week of two (2) hours in length.

(2)    All scheduled holidays of two (2) hours in length.

(3)    Overnight if appropriate under Rule 1 above but not to exceed one (1) 24 hour period per week.

Commentary

The custodial home is the preferred place for this parenting time to occur. However, in some cases this may not be practical. Parenting time should occur in a stable place and without disruption of an infant's established routine.

(B)   Age 5 Months through Age 9 Months:

(1)    Three (3) non-consecutive ?days? per week of three (3) hours per day. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(2)    All scheduled holidays of three (3) hours in length. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(3)    Overnight if appropriate under Rule 1 above but not to exceed one (1) 24 hour period per week.

3. Parenting Time In Later Infancy (Age 10 Months through Age 18 Months)

(A)   Age 10 Months through Age 12 Months:

(1)    Three (3) non-consecutive ?days? per week, with one day on a ?non-work? day for eight (8) hours. The other days shall be for three (3) hours each day. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(2)    All scheduled holidays for eight (8) hours. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(3)    Overnight if appropriate under Rule 1 above but not to exceed one (1) 24 hour period per week.

(B)   Age 13 Months through Age 18 Months:

(1)    Three (3) non-consecutive ?days? per week, with one day on a ?non-work? day for ten (10) hours. The other days shall be for three (3) hours each day. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(2)    All scheduled holidays for eight (8) hours. The child is to be returned at least (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(3)    Overnight if appropriate under Rule 1 above but not to exceed one (1) 24 hour period per week.

(C)    Age 19 Months through 36 Months:

(1)    Alternate weekends on Saturdays for ten (10) hours and on Sundays for ten (10) hours. The child is to be returned at least one hour before bedtime, unless overnight is appropriate under Rule 1.

(2)    One (1) ?day? preferably in mid-week for three (3) hours, the child to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime, unless overnight during the week is appropriate under Rule 1.

(3)    All scheduled holidays for ten (10) hours. The child is to be returned one hour before bedtime.

(4)    If the non-custodial parent who did not initially have substantial care responsibilities has exercised the scheduled parenting time under these guidelines for at least nine (9) continuous months, overnight parenting time may take place.

 

Karma1969

I hate to be the negative one, but you are two weeks away from giving birth and your FI is trying to get more time with his 7 month old.  Things seem to be moving prettty quickly.  The Mom might worry about him having more time when he has another newborn at home.  Has your FI tried taling with the BM to see what she thinks is a reasonable plan?  That should be the first step.

Ginlyn0

Our original CO for DD when she was 9-12 months was that her BD got her 2 hours every Wed and every Saturday because she was EBF.

ambrvan

In response to what someone asked (don't feel like going back to quote or see who), a lot of mothers have no interest in BFing, so that would not be an obstacle.

Reading back over my response, I left something unclear. I wouldn't recommend a baby spending overnights with anyone until 6wks old (granted, doesn't mean I ever let DS spend the night even with his grandparents until he was several months old), but when you think about it... what if mom works graveyard and goes back after 6wks? Or what about a 6wk infant staying in day care from 6:30a-5:30p? Lots of parents don't have much of a choice. And if you will trust your infant with a "stranger" for that long, why not with their father?

And I know my DH and BM's situation was not like everyone else's, so it's not necessarily something everyone can follow or understand. But in their situation, BM did not want SD very often, and even on BM's weeks, DH's mom normally had her if he was working. So for them, it worked well for him to have her from infancy up. His home was the safest place for her.

shannonhanks

I love the idea of setting up a court order that gradually increases, really does seem like a happy medium to me. I was under the impression it was a set schedule type of thing. Baby is breast fed, which we totally support, but I believe she is incorporating some other foods now and also pumping when she needs/wants. Yet another reason he didn't expect to take off with his daughter for nights at a time in the beggining, or even right now. We are well aware of everything that she needs (crib, clothing, etc.) and anything we dont have we are prepared to purchase. And yes, I am pregnant but I don't feel that the fact that he is having another child, or his relationship with me should change the time he should or shouldn't get with her. I do not directly speak to BM but it is my understanding that she is in no way upset/resentful/concerned about my baby and I.

 Thanks so much for everyones opinions and advice!

Littlejen22

shannonhanks:

And yes, I am pregnant but I don't feel that the fact that he is having another child, or his relationship with me should change the time he should or shouldn't get with her. I do not directly speak to BM but it is my understanding that she is in no way upset/resentful/concerned about my baby and I.

It speaks to stability.