XP: shld i have 2 consult w/him on her name?

mdotm0904

not going to give too much background, but just going to say that i'm not married, engaged to, or in a relationship with my child's father. I chose to walk away from this disfunctional relationship shortly before i found out i was pregnant (after dating for almost a yr). well in the months since, he's been hot & cold about his involvement with this child. he claims he'll be there to support like with his other children (3 w/an ex-wife). But he hasn't come to any doctors appointments, has only asked how the baby is doing one time. and even a couple of weeks ago told me that he was considering "letting me have the baby all to myself because i hurt him too bad & he doesn't want a reminder in the future". ETA: he said this, meaning he won't fight me for custody.

anyway, i found out that i was having a baby girl last week & i didn't call to tell him because i figured from this point out, if he wants to know anything about this baby or pregnancy then he can reach out to me. So i decided to name her myself....without any input from him. And i'm also pretty sure i'm going to give her MY last name.

Mostly everyone who knows more of the background & our history agrees with my decision. But i'm just wondering, is it wrong that i didn't consult him on her name? I realize she's half "his" but so far his actions have yet to prove to me why (other than donating his DNA) he DESERVES an input in naming her or having her carry his last name. Even if he does come around during the rest of the pregnany & by the time she's born, I still think i'd like to give her my last name....

i'm not wrong, am I?

trebmal

Considering your situation, no.  He said he was "going to let you have her all to yourself" (which is a whole other issue, but whatever) so let it be and go with it. 

thatjessie

Have you jumped over to Single Moms? They are amazing over there but anyways.

You can give her your last name if you would like to and you can name her whatever. It's entirely up to you. Hect you could give her a random last name if you wanted.

COMomma81

In your situation, no. I don't feel he should have input on her name, nor should she have his last name (IMO). He's made it rather clear he's not planning to be involved and I don't think that he "deserves" anything.

krissyh21

I think you chose the right decision. My father split when I was a baby and it was always difficult explaining why my name was different then my moms. Since you will be doing most, if not all, the caretaking of this child she should have your last name. Also, he doesn't seem to be taking part in the pregnancy, so I would have chosen the name myself as well.

soberbia

Nope. and if he really changes his mind and steps up and proves he's worth it, he can pay to have her last name changed down the road, IF you decide that's an option. but at this point, I wouldn't even give it another thought.

BTW, congrats on the girl and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

sunflower8710

IMO he shouldn't have an opinion on her name. Like you said, he's been hot and cold during the pregnancy, thats a good indication on how involved he'll be when she is here. AND you don't want a future conversation to go like this:

"Mommy, why'd you name me Telulah?"

"Your dad liked it."

And that may or may not bring up some sticky issues... ya know?

alliejo725

Yeah, you don't need to consult this dirtbag. Donating DNA does not a father make.

I would also definitely encourage you to give her your last name. From what I've heard/read, it's soooo much easier doing paperwork/going to doctor's appointments/schools/etc. when the child's name matches the primary care giver's.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Good luck! I think Eden is a gorgeous name.

Blessed06

I know someone who was in this type of situation.  She did not ask the father for his opinion on the baby's name, and she also gave the baby her last name.  She made the right choice, and I think you're making the right choice as well.

EastCoastBride

No, you are not wrong.  I wouldn't give him any say if I were in your shoes either.

cogbot

I think you have made the right decision.   If he is not going to act as a father should then his opinion should not matter and your daughter shouldn't carry his name.   

(BTW....  Eden Elizabeth is a BEAUTIFUL choice!) 

damabo80

She's only "half his" biologically. Emotionally (the part that matters) it sounds like she's going to be mostly (if not all) yours.

You should have naming rights.

zaramarie81

I am so sorry you are going through this. So tough. Let me tell you: my littlest sister was born when my parents were separated. They agreed that if a boy, dad would name him and if a girl, mom would so that they would not have to collaborate given the painful situation. So my mom exclusively chose the name of my littlest sister (and my father, in spite of the divorce, has ALWAYS been an involved dad). In your situation, it doesn't even sound like he is promising to commit to this child as a daddy should. With that in mind, by ALL means, choose the name yourself. Do not feel badly about it... you are clearly the committed parent who is already doing the tough parenting work while he is too busy playing games and "punishing" your child when he is upset with you (I am sorry, but saying he is just not even going to try for shared custody because he feels hurt by you is unfair to the child and immature. Parents have to set aside hurts for their children's sake, and separate out their own issues from that of being a parent as best they can).

RedCardinal

I agree with you not consulting him in your name choosing. He doesn't deserve any say. FYI Your baby doesn't need to have his last name for you to collect child support ! Collect away my dear...and get a paternity test. He may be the father, but right now he's not a dad.

Darth Vader said, "Luke I am your father," not "I am your dad."

mdotm0904

thank you so much for your input everyone! I knew I was doing the right thing.

ames71

I don't think you're wrong at all. If I were in your situation I would give the baby my last name and a first name that I choose as well. If he has no intention on being a father to this child (rather than just a sperm donor) than I don't see why he should have a say in decisions related to her.

lelekay

Nope.  In this case, it's alllllll you!

tct1219

i wouldn't consult with him about anything and i would give her your last name as well.

forensicmama

If I were you, I would name my daughter whatever I wanted. He's not exactly Dad of the Year, from what it sounds. Also, if you're going to be raising her alone, it seems to me that a lot of things would be easier if you shared a surname - I'm not sure about the legal stuff, but I'm fairly certain that it would just keep people from asking questions, which I'm sure would be really nice.

sunnyday016

I think you made the right decision to not include him. Eden Elizabeth is a beautiful choice. I'd also strongly encourage you to give your child YOUR last name. Giving her his last name will probably be nothing but headaches for you and your LO.

emily1414

I would do the exact same thing as you if I were in your shoes... your baby, period. I love Eden Elizabeth (PLUS MOM'S LAST NAME!) Good for you for being independent enough to do this!

BitsKD13

Of my DH's 3 nieces only one has her dad's last name (and yes he is in her life).  The other two have their mom's last name.  From what I know the dad's are MIA when it comes to the girls. 

So I say give her whatever name you want.  Should he become more involved later you could always change/alter her ln. 

shellybird101

he's not going to be there for you or her than why should he have any rights including naming.  it sounds like he was just the donor in this one.  I hope everything else goes well with the baby and enjoy!

Nanna

You are not wrong.  He has in no way proven himself to be reliable.  Name your girl what YOU want, and definitely give her your last name no matter what.

ubermoose

I would say that if he is not going to be a parent to her, she should not have his last name. I think you are also within your rights to name the her, given his level of involvement.

All that being said, though, it would be a good idea to legally define the relationship now, and let him know your naming plans. I don't see a problem with you naming her, but I think it's probably something you should discuss with him now to avoid a hassle later.

sassy_mommy

No, you're not wrong at all.  And I like the name you chose.  Glad you decided to get out of the dysfunctional relationship.  You and your baby girl will be better without it.