Am I irrational?

ann_jeremiah

So, I emailed my MIL and Step-mom asking when they would like to be notified when our baby is coming... my husband is so excited and wants to call everyone right away. I would like to get to the hospital and have the hospital tell me that we are for sure having the baby before I call anyone. Both sets of grandparents live about a half hour away from the hospital, so they would be able to get there rather quickly.

Both of them said that they would like to be called on our way there - and then once we get there so they know for sure if they need to be heading to the hospital.... sounds good to me... but then my MIL also said that she wants and hourly update. I feel that this is a little excessive. I didn't even tell DH about this part, as I knew he would be like, "Ok mom." 

 Well, yesterday we were over at my MIL house and she asked what my parents had said to the email.. I explained and then I told her that we won't be calling her every hour... she still insisted that she needed to be contacted that frequently. MH then said that he would call her that often. I continued to argue this and that the first stages of labor itself could take 8 hours... to this.. my BIL then chimed in, "Well, mom has has had four kids, I think she knows what she's talking about." I then said, "she had no vaginal deliveries." 

 I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I just don't think they are understanding any of this! To add to it - when my MIL had three of her children she lived half way across the country from any of her family - so none of them were there hovering over her constantly.

At this point, I think MH is living in la la land... and I think he thinks the baby is going to come out and he's going to want to hold him up in the air like they do to Simba on Lion King for everyone to see.... I keep trying to get across to him, that he's going to want to hold him and look at all his parts and enjoy that he made that his little person before passing him around to everyone under the sun! Our hospital encourages you to take the first hour to yourself to try to feed the baby, etc.. I thought it was going to be a struggle to get him to agree to that.

 Am I being irrational here? I feel bad - as I know every one is just excited, but I honestly don't think that they're getting it.

MrsSC9

If your husband doesn't mind doing it,what's the big deal?

Once you're pushing and need him for full support, I understand you not wanting him to leave you to give an update, but while you're okay or if you have an epi and are resting... I guess I don't see the problem.

I would just make it clear that you and baby come first and that hubby will update as much as he's able to and then drop it.

Good luck!

kimbo1216

Well... I do think you're over thinking it.  I, personally, wouldn't worry about it too much.  I would just do whatever you want when that time comes.  If you can update, great.  But if it's not every hour on the hour, then too bad.  Like I said, I really just wouldn't worry.  Tell her you'll update as much as you can and don't worry about a time line.

ashleah83

To be honest, I don't really get what the problem is.  If MIL wants to be called every hour and H doesn't mind doing it, that sort of seems to be between them (Personally if I were H I wouldn't do it but I'm not H).  I guess my only concern, if it were me, would be that MH doesn't leave me alone to go chitchat with his Mom for 5 min every hr.

Also, did your husband say something about letting everyone into the room in the first hour? I wouldn't make the leap to think that his willingness to check in with his Mom necessarily means he doesn't want that hour or so with just you and baby.

pregarella

I agree, let the man call his mom if he wants to.  It seems like maybe there are some underlying issues here though, like maybe your MIL is a control freak and you are sick of it? 

gymnst1013

I think your MIL is crazy.  You are both going to have waaaaaaay more on your mind that remembering to call her every hour only to say yep, still having contractions, baby's not here yet.  That is completely ridiculous IMO.

Edit - after reading the other responses, I guess my opinion comes from the fact that I'm planning on a med free birth.  I don't want MH wandering off making phone calls when I need him there to help me through a contraction.

ausgal

Meh... as long as I don't have to worry about personally updating anyone, I don't really care who DH updates... You can just hope that you go into labor at 11 p.m. and then they might change their minds about the every hour update once 3 a.m. hits and the message is still the same. I'm evil like that though.

alm0309

I think that you should just humor your MIL and let DH attempt to update her hourly.  I think this is a situation with your MIL that is annoying, but there really is not reason to debate about it.  If DH wants to, and is able to call her hourly, then just let it go.

samfish2bcrab

Labour is boring.   8 hours of just waiting gets old quick.  your husband will want to wander around and call people just for something to do.   once things really pick up, though, i'm sure you'll have his undivided attention.

i don't think it would have worked with my first DD, though.  The labour ward was upstairs and you had to go outside to use a cell phone.   Would have taken too long.

 

ashleah83

pregarella:

I agree, let the man call his mom if he wants to.  It seems like maybe there are some underlying issues here though, like maybe your MIL is a control freak and you are sick of it? 

I agree with this - if the issue is about MIL being a control freak in general, I guess my feeling on the matter is different.  But at that point I am more annoyed with your husband for letting himself be controlled.

MrsPBNJ0220

I have to say I agree with you, I wouldn't want DH running off to call his mother every hour.  Then again I can selfishly say I want this day to be all about me and our little guy.  I don't think you are being irrational, because if he's watching the clock to judge if it's that time again to call, that would just get down right irritating in my opinion. 

As another PP said though my opinion may stem from the fact that I'm hoping for a med-free birth, but even if I was having an epi I would still feel the same way.  My mother and sister will be in the room and I am far more comfortable asking DH to do something for me than I am asking them.

I would ask you DH if he could compromise in any way because you think that's a little much!

lynn97

MrsPBNJ0220:

I have to say I agree with you, I wouldn't want DH running off to call his mother every hour.  Then again I can selfishly say I want this day to be all about me and our little guy.  I don't think you are being irrational, because if he's watching the clock to judge if it's that time again to call, that would just get down right irritating in my opinion. 

 

I agree with this. DH and I have agreed that our LO's birthday needs to be about us and not pleasing the rest of the world. Sure, we'll call everyone after they are here, but I don't want an audience watching me while I labor.  I get that I seem to be in the minority for this, but I just can't fathom wanting a bunch of people hanging out or calling and texting the whole time. If we get to the hospital and get settled in, we may call a friend or two to come visit and help pass the time, but it will be a game-time decision. 

ann_jeremiah

gymnst1013:

I think your MIL is crazy.  You are both going to have waaaaaaay more on your mind that remembering to call her every hour only to say yep, still having contractions, baby's not here yet.  That is completely ridiculous IMO.

Edit - after reading the other responses, I guess my opinion comes from the fact that I'm planning on a med free birth.  I don't want MH wandering off making phone calls when I need him there to help me through a contraction.

This has been my exact thought.... what is there to update her on? Why would anyone need an obvious update of nope.. he's not here yet.. 

 And I also plan to have a med-free birth.

Birdies08

gymnst1013:

I think your MIL is crazy.  You are both going to have waaaaaaay more on your mind that remembering to call her every hour only to say yep, still having contractions, baby's not here yet.  That is completely ridiculous IMO.

Edit - after reading the other responses, I guess my opinion comes from the fact that I'm planning on a med free birth.  I don't want MH wandering off making phone calls when I need him there to help me through a contraction.

I agree, and am also planning a pain med free birth, so maybe that does influence it.

I've actually been debating with MH- I do no want people notified until after the baby's here. Personally, the thought of someone else counting the hours and waiting for any news or progress would really stress me out. We were just talking about this with our doula, and I said that if I could labor without any clocks, I probably would. I don't want to feel like I'm being timed- I just want to listen to my body and let it do it's job.

So, OP, I think you're being reasonable. Maybe talk about why the idea bothers you with your H and you guys can figure out a compromise (like, he'll call MIL when there's something to report, rather than every hour)? 

ann_jeremiah

Birdies08:

gymnst1013:

I think your MIL is crazy.  You are both going to have waaaaaaay more on your mind that remembering to call her every hour only to say yep, still having contractions, baby's not here yet.  That is completely ridiculous IMO.

Edit - after reading the other responses, I guess my opinion comes from the fact that I'm planning on a med free birth.  I don't want MH wandering off making phone calls when I need him there to help me through a contraction.

I agree, and am also planning a pain med free birth, so maybe that does influence it.

I've actually been debating with MH- I do no want people notified until after the baby's here. Personally, the thought of someone else counting the hours and waiting for any news or progress would really stress me out. We were just talking about this with our doula, and I said that if I could labor without any clocks, I probably would. I don't want to feel like I'm being timed- I just want to listen to my body and let it do it's job.

So, OP, I think you're being reasonable. Maybe talk about why the idea bothers you with your H and you guys can figure out a compromise (like, he'll call MIL when there's something to report, rather than every hour)? 

 

Yes - this makes more sense to me! To me.. the day is about the new little family we have become first. I want others to come in when we're ready for them to come in.... I don't want people standing outside the room ready to run in once the timer goes off for that first hour being done! And then not being able to hold my newborn infant again until they all leave.. Literally all of our family members live nearby.. parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc.

norbert5

gymnst1013:

I think your MIL is crazy.  You are both going to have waaaaaaay more on your mind that remembering to call her every hour only to say yep, still having contractions, baby's not here yet.  That is completely ridiculous IMO.

Edit - after reading the other responses, I guess my opinion comes from the fact that I'm planning on a med free birth.  I don't want MH wandering off making phone calls when I need him there to help me through a contraction.

I agree 100%.  I also have a MIL that expected this and it didn't happen.  DH had to put his phone on silent because she wasn't getting calls like she expected so she would call over and over and over again until I wanted to take his phone and shove it somewhere incredibly uncomfortable for him.

Let her know she will get updates when there is a break and you do not need DH for support.

AmsterdamMa*am

You stuck your neck out there when you asked them what they wanted, IMO.

amybrewster

ann_jeremiah:

 Well, yesterday we were over at my MIL house and she asked what my parents had said to the email.. I explained and then I told her that we won't be calling her every hour... she still insisted that she needed to be contacted that frequently. MH then said that he would call her that often. I continued to argue this and that the first stages of labor itself could take 8 hours... to this.. my BIL then chimed in, "Well, mom has has had four kids, I think she knows what she's talking about." I then said, "she had no vaginal deliveries." 

Annoying annoying annoying. I would be irritated too!

I would just explain that we will update her IF PROGRESS OCCURS. And as for your BIL...who asked him anyway. haha. Just ignore his unneeded input.

nicsigni

I think you're being completely reasonable and your MIL is being wacky, but I'm in the 'hoping to go med-free' camp so maybe that has something to do with it. My husband will be with me the entire time (with the excption of quick bathroom breaks) because I will need him to be for support.

I think you should just say 'sure' to your MIL, and on the day of if you- oops- forget to call every hour because you are BUSY, c'est la vie.

MommaA117

LOL @ the Simba off the Lion King part!

Honestly, she SAYS she wants the updates now and he SAYS he will call her but my guess is that you guys get totally caught up in the moment and just call her when you think of it....I'd just play it by ear. Not like she can get mad, you will be a little pre-occupied and I'm pretty sure if you are needing him at that time he isnt going to excuse himself to go make a phone call..when you are just sitting there with little action, why not?

I wouldn't sweat it.