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Parenting
MY Easter nightmare...add yours!
Let's b*tch.
I'm pretty sure I posted that my mom, my brother and I had a rather large blowout post-Christmas about her behavior during the holiday (basically: she ruined Christmas acting like a child). Neither my brother nor I were speaking to her for a few months, and because I felt guilty about her wanting updates on the kids, I've talked to her. I've kept things mostly about the kids and fairly neutral. The real issue is that my brother and I think things need to be talked about and she wants to forget it happened. The problem here is that my brother is in the army and his schedule isn't really conducive to us getting a chance to sit down w/ my mother. Over the phone is pretty tough too.
So for Easter, we made plans to spend very minimal time with my family (Sunday dinner) on our way home from visiting MH's family. This is a direct result of my mom's shenanigans over Christmas, and I felt like baby steps - and letting her prove that she is not going to be a complete nutjob - would be the best way to approach family gatherings. Well, she's acting exactly like she did leading up to Christmas. EXACTLY. Same comments on the phone, complaining about how much time she is getting, trying to manipulate the situation to get us to come earlier, lying about the times people are showing up, etc. Oh and she and my brother are still not speaking - he's not going to be there anyway because of his schedule.
Obviously, nothing has changed. We'll keep our plans this weekend because my grandparents will be there and I'd like to see them, but after this, my brother and I are going to come up with a time to sit down with her, insist she get help (there's definitely mental issues here), or cut her out. It sucks, but as I get older, and have my own kids, I realize I don't need toxic, stressful holidays. And I don't want to subject MH and my kids to this. It's ruining our holiday, already. I'm stressed and annoyed. MH is dreading the awkwardness... when we really just want to enjoy our kids and just be happy. It's hard to explain, without sounding like a tool, but we are really happy, really in love with our kids and each other, and this just sucks the wind out of that blessed feeling. I'm sick of it.
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Re: MY Easter nightmare...add yours!
My advice to try and alleviate some of the stress- stop talking to your mother about this. Don't take her calls this week. Show up when you plan to show up, focus on the people you want to see, leave when you need to leave.
Avoid her this week, avoid her on Sunday as best you can. if she starts anything up, walk away.
I know a lot is easier said than done, but if you can try to focus on the positive, it might give you some enjoyment
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks, ECB... that's actually my current plan right now. I'm going to find out what time my cousin is getting there with his family and show up then.
I'm hoping that this is the extent of it and she doesn't throw a fit at dinner (not lying, this is what happened at Christmas and she was mean to my 4YO during her fit). If she does, we're leaving and I'm done.
We have a fun weekend planned before Sunday dinner, so I'm hoping to just look forward to that and avoid stressing about what might happen.
Wow. I pretty much have the same exact relationship with my mom and same feelings as you. My husband and I sometimes get so frustrated because, just like you said, we have a wonderful life and are so happy with our family of four, but you add in all the parents and the siblings problems, and it just makes you feel defeated some days.
My mom has a lot of issues, too, and we do not have a good relationship. After years of "talks" that got me nowhere but more frustrated and being angry and not talking to her, I have just learned what sort of boundary I have with her. I've told her how I felt and what I think she needs to do, and she never tries to change anything. She is still a part of my family, so I have to be around her, and when I do, it is nothing deep, but it is plesant because I refuse to let her spoil the time with everyone else for me. I don't expect anything from her anymore.
As for your situation with Easter, I'd say to her, "With the way you are treating us, WHY would you ever think we'd want to spend more time with you?" Be happy with the time you'll get to see the kids because you're lucky you'll get to see them at all."
ETA: At least she actually wants to see your kids. Mine couldn't even be bothered with coming to her grandson's first birthday or baptism. Those days are not a big deal anyway; right? Or maybe she is just using your kids to be in control over what everyone does?
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know how hard it is.
Joseys - hugs... I just hope when I'm older and my kids are married that I can enjoy them and not be crazy. We'll need to still come to the nest and talk so we can keep each other in line, lol!
What you said - about the way she is treating us - is exactly what I want to say to her. And I also want to point out that we JUST had this huge blowup and you're back to pressuring me? I don't know why she thinks our relationship is "back to normal" and that I want to be around her..but that's her biggest problem. She's completely delusional about her actions and the people around her.
The upside of all of this is my MIL has become completely non-crazy and totally great. I think she's scared I'll cut her out if she gets out of line. haha!
A big part of it is control and being possessive of them. She has this huge issue where she is super insecure and jealous of other people in our lives (including HER family - my aunt - her sister - is the main person she is jealous of). She wants to be THE grandma now and gets mad if my grandma hosts a holiday and does an egg hunt. She claims the reason she was upset at Christmas was because she got no time with the kids when we first got there (we came on Christmas Day from out of town), but we were then spending 3 DAYS at her house and she was hung up on the first hour since we got there when the whole extended family was celebrating.
It's so stupid too, because her grandma died when I was 20. And up until that point we did holidays at my great-grandma's house. THEN when she was gone, we moved to my grandma hosting things. I asked her after Christmas if she wants me to act like she is doing now when she is 80. Or if she'd like to see her whole family together while she can. No answer, of course.
Could her issues at all have anything at all to do with Empty Nest Syndrome?
It sounds like she is jealous of other people getting your time and not getting to see you much. Maybe she doesn't know how to communicate her true feelings to you? I hope you get a chance to talk to her.
I sometimes feel like if my mom didn't pass away, we would have the same relationship you two have. My mom was very controlling and had to talk to me at least once a day everyday. She had to have us over for Sunday dinner every week and became very upset if we didn't come. I used to stress so badly with the crap from her. I now think about all of this often and wonder how I would react if she were still here. Damn, I miss her.
We have a similar situation with MIL and one of DH's brothers/SILs (the one set it great, the other - not so much). After a huge blow up in Nov and then not doing TG we had a family meeting to work things out. Basically we agreed to disagree and play nice for MIL if she stopped her guilt games and pitting one brother and his family against another. It was better for a little while but she's still doing it.
Christmas was awkward but manageable. We did a family dinner in Feb when we were in our home town and honestly that was the last time I talked with BIL/SIL. So we're doing Easter and she's playing some of the same games (and thinks all is well amongst the kids even though we have told her it's not). The BIL/SIL we get along with and us have agreed to stay firm and attend the hours we can attend. Not feel guilt over not doing an entire weekend. We have other families plus our own to spend time with besides ILs.
I guess I can't offer you anything except what we have learned: put your immediate family first, attempt the relationship with her but know when it comes down to it her behavior is on her, not you.
EK - I could handle the jealousy and wanting to see us if it wasn't 100% irrational. We spend more time w/ her than anyone else EVERY time we visit. Yet, she throws a fit during the bigger family get together and ruins it for everyone.
But it's not enough. It's never enough and it never will be because she is delusional and will always see herself as the victim. And the idea of never seeing her again? Does not make me sad. It makes me feel peaceful.
If that makes me cold, so be it.
e, I hope the day is pleasant, at least and noone gets into it. I can't stand ackward post-fight holidays. I think your plan to show up with the crowd is a good one.
I'm flying with DS to FL to spend Easter with my family b/c Dad was just diag w/ cancer. It's treatable, so I hope everyone will be able to relax a little and be positive. On top of that, my neice, who is recently divorced with a 5 yr old, is having her ex-H and his parents over for Easter dinner. Ackward. She is already dating and asked me if I thought it would be OK if her boyfriend make an appearance. I told her I would like to meet him, but another time - maybe later in the week. I think she's going to have him come anyway. Ackward. Oh, and I look like a freak'n whale and I know it's on everybody's mind that I've gotten fat - not just pregnant fat, but fat. So, although I'm excited to see my family, I really wish it was more of a vacation trip than a holiday.
David "BD" 2/8/07 Spencer 9/12/11No nightmare, here. I have a VERY high maitenance, mean MIL (she's the one who said that if my BIL (her SIL) is going to die, she wished it would happen sooner rather than later so he would stop putting everyone (read: her) through hell. She said this while he was on the transplant list, waiting for a new heart. Which he received weeks after her statement and is doing fine with today.
So anyway, knowing how tough my MIL, my mom called several weeks ago and told us not to worry about them, they would go to a friends home so that I wouldn't feel like I had to split time between them and my MIL. So recently, my MIL broke 2 vertebrae and what she refers to as her saddle (yeah, there's a lot of jokes you could insert here--we think she means her sacrum). She has decided not come come up to our house for the holiday. I suggested to DH that we should travel to her house. Dh said no--he doesn't want to spend the entire holiday traveling. (It would be a 10 hour drive on Friday then 10 hours back on Sunday, getting in well after midnight) DH says he's not willing to give up time with his family for a woman who has never been kind to her family. So we are suddenly commitment free and can do whatever we want that day. I'm thinking we will get together with my SIL and her family and have a stress-free, fun holiday.
Several special needs diets, way too many dogs, and several sugared-up kids!
But I shouldn't complain because this year we don't have to go to the ILs.
We're getting a drive by visit from MIL and DH's niece and nephew. They were going to come for the weekend, now it's going to be less than 24 hours that they're here.
I was annoyed as we can no longer do any of the stuff I was planning, at least not together. So, our little family of 5 will enjoy the Easter festivities without them and see them for one night and wave goodbye. I'm glad they're still coming, but part of me feels like telling them to just forget it, that short of a visit isn't worth the travel time.