tacky or not?

MrsMillerTime

I'm attending a wedding in June and recently received this email from the Best Man (obviously bcc'd to some/all of the wedding guests).

Hi Everyone,

There's just a couple more months until Bride and Groom's wedding.

Some people have been inquiring about Bride and Groom's gift registry. They did not register for house items as they'll be moving at the end of June to their parents' or a friend's home, so they're trying to minimize their belongings as best as possible.

A nice gift would be a monetary donation to their honeymoon fund. You can bring a check/cash with you to the wedding to contribute to the money box. They hope to honeymoon in Europe in late Fall and I know our donations will help get them there.

Thanks,
Best Man

I can't decide if it is tacky or not -- I appreciate that it didn't come directly from the couple but it is obvious that they were consulted...how else would the Best Man have gotten my email?

WDYT?

mlf625

Tacky.

joyco

Eh, I vote more honest than tacky.  I would hate to get some house crap when I'm trying to get rid of house crap, KWIM?  And money would be nice.  Why is it a big deal to give someone money (not that YOU are making it a big deal, I just know lots of people think it's tacky to give money or ask for it and I think that's weird), saves having to shop, yeah? 

Deltadee

I understand the logic behind it but still vote tacky.  

FeistyFille

Yeah, that last paragraph is a bit tacky IMHO.  Not totally because I personally would rather give them money as a wedding present if that's what they needed.  But I think he could have found a less money-grabbing way of phrasing things.  Maybe if he just didn't have that middle sentence.  I'm sure people would figure out a way to give them cash if that's what they wanted to give. But it also kinda sucks that it was dictated to guests not to give them house presents. Meh.  I appreciate honesty.  But in situations like this I also appreciate subtlety.

bluestreet

I think a better solution would have been to have a wedding website with a registry link (among other links), and to have one of those honeymoon websites linked.

HSartteach

bluestreet:

I think a better solution would have been to have a wedding website with a registry link (among other links), and to have one of those honeymoon websites linked.

this.  I agree here.  I think that he might not have thought it was tacky to ask this way. IMO, he might not have known any better.  The couple might not know those honeymoon registries exist.

mcurban

Way tacky.

Of course, I don't know their situation, but I question why they are spending $ on a Euro honeymoon while they are moving in w/ either parents or friends. 

 

Taytee

Tacky and poorly worded. Not that there IS a good way to say it. Maybe in a phone call? If someone calls to ask MIL/BM etc "Where are they registered?" Yes, I understand. I didn't like moving houses with a gigantic cake stand I didn't want that doubles as a crystal Stanley Cup either. However, email is tacky for talking about wedding gifts with what is essentially strangers. It's definitely not appropriate to tell people exactly what form of payment to bring, when and where to leave it. It's all rather "the money's on the dresser" if you ask me.

And I don't like donating to people's honeymoons. I just don't. I like the idea of people eating off a plate I got them or folding a towel and thinking "Stacy got this for us!" It doesn't bother me that people register for their honeymoon - to each their own. Certainly people who are more travelish than I might like the idea of paying for a SCUBA dive, dinner or a night at a hotel or something. As for me, if they want to waltz around Europe, they can do it on their own dime! The email makes it sound like they won't get to go if everyone doesn't go along with this little money making plan. It's not cool to plan a trip you can't pay for on your own because that will inevitably lead to some sort of shortfall in their plans of how much each person will 'give' at the wedding. Disappointment in your wedding guests tithe is never pretty. Anyone else read the Bridezilla book?

Although in other cultures/countries, cash or a monetary gift is very expected. I remember a friend telling me about going to a Korean wedding? There was hundreds of dollars involved, in cash, and you gave it to the FOB? as you walked into the reception in the receiving line. Can anyone confirm that? The dinner I recall she said was elaborate, $50-100 a person. So you're expected to cover that and then your gift on top of that.

BLONDIE6FT

tacky. just plain tacky. all they would have had to do was change the wording or like pps said offer a website.

i think couples should be able to register for whatever they want. how many people need plates by the time they get married?? i want the couple to get whatever is going to help them out. yes, i would love it if they looked at something and remembered me by it, but i hope they just look back at their wedding day and remember i was there and had a great time!

what i give now? almost always cash now. i remember the nightmares exchanging  duplicate gifts and not wanting to register for all this stuff our families told us we needed! i remember how broke we were and grateful to get $$.

SarahPLiz

Had he just said. "People have been asking about a registry, but there isn't one because they are moving soon after the wedding. Please spread the word if anyone asks you about it", then I think it would have been an appropriate email to send to WP members. The rest of his wording went on to EXPECT a gift, which is what is tacky to me. 

If you don't have a registry, people will either give you useless *** or money. No need for a honeymoon or house downpayment registry (yes, those exist) that may take a cut off the top before they send you the gifts. If people want to give cash, they will, and then you can spend it anyway you like. I love how he specified cash or check, like he needed to clarify that they don't take credit cards. DOH! 

Chicklit

The wording is eye-roll inducing, but what really gets me is sending this out to everyone. That's just as bad as registry cards in the invitation. I'm a stickler, but the rule for this stuff is simple: only mention gifts when the guests inquire about them.

SaraLouiseBride08

We registered for our honeymoon. We'd lived together 5 years by the time we got married and didn't need or want that much stuff. So we did a small registry at Target since I knew there would be people who wouldn't want to send money for a honeymoon. I do have a few items around the house that I think "oh so and so gave us this for our wedding" but I can name every single person who contributed to our honeymoon. We wouldn't have been able to go otherwise and it was the most fun, most perfect vacation I've ever had. I don't remember how who or how we told people about it ... I think it was mostly word of mouth since there were only two main groups of people there (my family and our friends).

Emer

MrsRosie:

mcurban:

Of course, I don't know their situation, but I question why they are spending $ on a Euro honeymoon while they are moving in w/ either parents or friends. 

My thoughts exactly.

Ditto. My impression is that while they "hope to honeymoon in Europe" they are likely in need of money and are really just asking for cash. I don't have a problem with a honeymoon fund and requests for it, but this seems more like a don't give us crap, give us cash kind of thing.

ssinca

I did a HM registry too, but I think I told all of 2 people about it because I was too embarrassed - IMO, I was basically just asking for cash. A better idea for the B&G would be to register at a place where they can return gifts for cash. Tacky too but not as tacky as what they did.

L L CG

Horribly tacky.  Especially the cash/check part.  Horrible.

AustinMimi

I think it's tacky. IMO, why jump the gun with this pre-emptive email from the best man? People will ask if they want to buy a couple a wedding gift. If I asked and someone told me they had a honeymoon registry, I'd contribute to it. No biggie. But requesting cash or check (even via a wedding party member) out of the blue just seems so gift-grabby to me.

thethomps

Taytee:

Although in other cultures/countries, cash or a monetary gift is very expected. I remember a friend telling me about going to a Korean wedding? There was hundreds of dollars involved, in cash, and you gave it to the FOB? as you walked into the reception in the receiving line. Can anyone confirm that? The dinner I recall she said was elaborate, $50-100 a person. So you're expected to cover that and then your gift on top of that.

I know this is the tradition in Chinese weddings.  BIL married a girl whose family is originally from Taiwan and basically, the FOB got all the money and took out what it cost him to throw the wedding/reception and BIL & SIL got whatever money was left over from that.    (Sorry, I know it's a tradition but I think it's kind of sucky.)  FWIW, we ended up getting them an appliance b/c we thought they would actually get to use that instead of it being included in the wedding costs.

ETA:  And, yes, the email from the Best Man was tacky for all the reasons above.  I'd give 'em a GC to a restaurant or something that maybe they could use and think of you during a nice night out. 

joyco

Wait.  Please tell me why it is tacky to get the bride and groom something that they will actually USE and prefer instead of giving them some stupid plates or something?

 

And ha at remembering who gave what to the wedding couple!  When we eat off our registered plates, I cannot remember who the heck gave them to us but when I do use my broom, I do think of my sister.    That's about all I remember who gave us what.  I do remember how fun it was to return a bunch of crap that people thought we'd like and get money back for it and then use it on our freaking honeymoon.  Geez.

mcurban

joyco:

Wait.  Please tell me why it is tacky to get the bride and groom something that they will actually USE and prefer instead of giving them some stupid plates or something?

 

Oh, I don't think it's tacky to give money as a gift. I actually *prefer* to just bring a card w/ a check (travels easier). What is tacky, to me, is the fact that the best man sent out this email. If someone had approached him (or MOH or MOG or MOB) w/ a, "Hey, what would the B&G like?" then, I think it's fine to be all, "Oh, they are trying to save up for a Euro vacay!" But, sending out a mass email like that- no bueno. 

I agree w/ one of the pps. If the b&g wanted moolah, they could have registered at BB&B and then just returned the items for cash. 

And, as previously mentioned, I *definitely*  give the side eye to the fact that they are moving in w/ either a parent or friends, but want money for a vacay. Dude, take that money and put it into savings. Hello, rent? Down payment for a house? Full disclosure: I went back to work the Tuesday after I got married. No fancy honeymoon for the Urbs, not on a teacher/ student salary. I might be bitter. Or, practical. One of the two.

KittyFX

joyco:

Wait.  Please tell me why it is tacky to get the bride and groom something that they will actually USE and prefer instead of giving them some stupid plates or something?

 

And ha at remembering who gave what to the wedding couple!  When we eat off our registered plates, I cannot remember who the heck gave them to us but when I do use my broom, I do think of my sister.    That's about all I remember who gave us what.  I do remember how fun it was to return a bunch of crap that people thought we'd like and get money back for it and then use it on our freaking honeymoon.  Geez.

I hear you Joyce.

I can't help but wonder why the HM registry site makes it less tacky than the email?

Personally, I would feel bad asking for HM money in any fashion. If I had gotten married young, I suppose I would be ok with the traditional registry, but getting married older, I asked for no gifts (and struggled with how to tactifully do this).

ditzydi_2000

Tacky.  I could MAYBE understand if they said that they needed the money to start a home since they're having to live with their parents (yikes!) but I have a real hard time with them knowing that their finances suck and they want the guests to pay for their honeymoon.  Lame. 

ndluvsrk

mcurban:

joyco:

Wait.  Please tell me why it is tacky to get the bride and groom something that they will actually USE and prefer instead of giving them some stupid plates or something?

 

Oh, I don't think it's tacky to give money as a gift. I actually *prefer* to just bring a card w/ a check (travels easier). What is tacky, to me, is the fact that the best man sent out this email. If someone had approached him (or MOH or MOG or MOB) w/ a, "Hey, what would the B&G like?" then, I think it's fine to be all, "Oh, they are trying to save up for a Euro vacay!" But, sending out a mass email like that- no bueno. 

I agree w/ one of the pps. If the b&g wanted moolah, they could have registered at BB&B and then just returned the items for cash. 

And, as previously mentioned, I *definitely*  give the side eye to the fact that they are moving in w/ either a parent or friends, but want money for a vacay. Dude, take that money and put it into savings. Hello, rent? Down payment for a house?

Ditto this.

lilrunner

Chicklit:

The wording is eye-roll inducing, but what really gets me is sending this out to everyone. That's just as bad as registry cards in the invitation. I'm a stickler, but the rule for this stuff is simple: only mention gifts when the guests inquire about them.

This exactly.