Be my sex therapist!

AutumnBride81

I need some insight. My son is nearly 9 months old and I still have NO libido. Zero, zip, NONE. I try to psych myself up for sex every now and then, but I can't. When push comes to shove, I am completely uninterested. A little background info: I'm still breastfeeding, I work full time, and DH works a 12 hour day, so pretty much all of the childcare and much of the household work falls on me Monday - Friday. When I have a free moment, I just want some damn time for myself. Hubs wanting sex just feels like another demand on my time.

DS doesn't sleep through the night yet, so yes, I'm tired. But I think there's more to it than that. We went through a really rough patch after DS was born. To some extent, we aren't completely out of it yet. DH had a hard time adjusting to parenthood, hardly helped me at all, even after I went back to work, and I honestly think the resentment that has built up over time is what is making it impossible for me to want to have sex with him. Even though he's helping more now, I still don't want to. Obviously this is not good for our relationship - the lack of sex, the resentment, the unequal sharing of responsibilities, none of it.

So what now? I'm terrified that I won't ever feel those sexual feelings again, terrified that our relationship will slowly fall apart until it becomes something that neither of us recognizes. I've been wanting to go to counseling together for months...DH refused for a long time. He has since said he might consider going but it's clear he's still not jazzed about it.

Thoughts? Advice?   

kimmyt09

I think you guys should try and lay it all out, or maybe go to counseling just to get you started. A counselor might help you sort things out faster, and maybe bring some peace instead of a fight.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think a lot of couples struggle with the adjustment in the beginning- the roles do shift tremendously, and its hard. I ended up having a "come to Jesus" talk with my H, and things changed. Starting with some communication first will help get things going again. Good luck to you guys! 

mrs.kapow

I think the counseling will really help.

But, until then, maybe there's a possibility that just trying to find that time for intimacy would help you move past the resentment?  Schedule it if you have to. It's not just a physical thing all the time.

It's not easy, but hopefully it will be worth it. 

SarahWaggy

If it had to do with just the sex, I could possibly have some ideas. But since you guys are having issues that stem deeper then just sex, my only real suggestion would be to talk to a professional. Be it you, both of you, or him... a little goes a long way.

Sex-wise, I would suggest maybe some roleplay, an adult night, toys, talking about your fantasies? Is there something that you feel like you aren't physically getting that you want?

I know it's not a lot of help, but maybe those are some things to think about. I hope things get better soon! 

XCrissCrossX

Forget sex, try to have some cuddle/intimate time that has nothing to do with sex. (He will need you to tell him this explicitly. And probably you'll have to remind him a lot). Feeling closer to him will probably help you want to be closer to him.

 But yes, you two need to talk. 

ashf4i

Oh hun, sorry you are dealing with this.  I will try to offer some advice, you can take it or leave it.

First, you must forgive your husband - not just outwardly but in your heart and mind.  From what you said, it's clear that hasn't happened completely yet.  Harboring resentment and unforgiveness will only fester and push you further and further away from him and make you more bitter toward him inside. 

Next you must put the people in your life in their rightful place.  1) God 2) husband 3) child(ren)

I know it's super hard to adjust to parenting.  DH and I went thru this as well - didn't see eye to eye and disagreed on almost everything when it came to DS.  I, like you, was not interested in sex at all. I was tired, didn't want to "waste" valuable sleep time on DH. especially since I didn't get much sleep and DS was up several times a night.  (DH didn't get up with him.)  I was sooo frustrated and felt like a single mother having to do everything myself.

Have you and your DH had a heart-to-heart about this?  Maybe it would be helpful to explain to him how you are feeling inside and that you really need his help around the house.

Anyway, what worked for me in the end is I gave all to God admitting that I am unable to do all and be all to everyone all time and that I desperately needed His help in order to be a good wife and mother.

God bless you and I will be praying for you and your husband. 

Ilene&Scott

Hey Ash, sorry you are going through this...It's so frustrating and totally understandable.

I recently read a book called "babyproofing your marriage".  Its available on i-tunes too if you just want someone to read to you too and from work...It really helped put things in perspective for us.  Give it a try...

Hope things get better...

 Ilene 

kg_08

I think counseling would be a good idea for marital issues, but I doubt it will cause you to get those sexual feelings again. The last time I was horny was at about 4 weeks PP (Sorry if TMI but that's the last time I had an O too). Anyway, since then, I can NOT get horny no matter how hard I try.. That special feeling.. yeah, doesn't happen. I mean I want sex, and when we do have sex I love it, but it's that "Oh my gosh I need you now or I'll die!" feeling that I can't get no matter what I do.

I'm a SAHM, breastfeeding and on the mini pill.... it's got to b the breastfeeding.

J+MS

I'm with KG. The BF'ing will completely zap your sex drive. It's suppresses those hormones and you're getting intimacy from the baby so you don't need it as much from your husband.