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Need advice 2nd time moms
I've never posted on here before but I really need some advice. DS1 is about to be 8 next week and DS2 just turned 7 months old. DS1 has done really well adjusting to DS2 and only gets irritated sometimes with DS2's crying. Well DS2 has been really fussy for about 2 weeks now. I've taken him to the dr called the dr and had to take him in again this morning. While we were in the dr's office getting check out by the dr, DS1 started complaining about DS2 and his crying and making jokes about him. He then said he wishes I had never had DS2. I was stunned. He was laughing when he said it and I told him that was really rude and of course he said he was joking. I was so embarrassed by how he was acting and by what he said. More so I'm upset and sad by what he said. I haven't said anything else to him....I don't know what else to say. I know it's been an adjustment for him and hard to now share me and his father. Does anyone have any suggestions of how to go about dealing with this? What should I say???
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Re: Need advice 2nd time moms
Do you both take a little bit of time out to have one on one time with him? My second was also a fussy baby. Though, my oldest was only 2 when she was born. When my third was born my girls were 4 and 6. They handled it better than I thought. It was tough to do a lot of one on one time with them since my husband was in Iraq but every chance I had I would pull one of them aside, whether it was to help prep a meal, read a book, whatever it may be. I think that really helped them. They were also really busy with basketball and gymnastics. Our routine pretty much stayed the same, other than adding in a baby to drag around and it taking more time to get out the door. Maybe one day a weekend you and your husband could take turns taking him out of the house to do something special, even if it is just a walk around the neighborhood to talk.
If you are already doing that then I am out of ideas. I hope things get easier for you!
I can't recommend the book "Siblings without Rivalry" enough. I think it really helps deal with these things.
I think it's pretty normal for a child who was an only child for 7 years to feel ambivalent about the baby from time to time. After all, now that the excitement of having a "new" baby has worn off, what's he getting out of being a big brother? Right now, pretty much nothing that an 8 year old boy would care about.
The baby takes time and attention away from him.
The baby cries a lot, which probably makes him feel a combination of sympathy and annoyance, but he's powerless to do anything about it. And when the baby cries, it upsets you. He can tell this, but he doesn't have the emotional experience to understand that you'll all weather this rough spot with the baby and things will be fine.
The baby isn't yet old enough to play with him or bring anything positive to the equation.
So, it's pretty natural for him to feel negative about the baby at times. Honestly, don't you feel a little negative about the baby at times yourself, when he's crying a lot and you can't get him to stop and you have chores to do, etc.? Talking about it openly is normal and healthy for DS1, not a sign that he is a bad, unsympathetic kid or a bad brother. I would support his need to "vent" these negative feelings about a situation that -- for now at least -- is actually kind of negative! I wouldn't make him feel guilty for saying that he wishes that things could go back to the old way, the comfortable way, the easy way, before DS2 came along.
FWIW, my kids are 4 years apart. DD was pretty open about "not really liking" her brother for the first several years. When he was old enough to become a playmate (at around age 4) things got better. Now, they're good friends, but she still reminisces about the good old days before he came along.
Kids just say things sometimes, and you know he was joking. Just keep reminding yourself of that because it is really easy to take it personally! It hurt your feelings and kinda stabbed your heart a bit I know, but you kinda just have to brush off what he said and move on. I mean, it's probably helpful to show him that it hurt your feelings, but I wouldn't dwell on it with him (or in your own head) unless it becomes a reoccurring issue. Good luck!
9 Years Later